Copyright holder: Tyndale University, 3377 Bayview Ave., Toronto, Ontario, Canada M2M 3S4 Att.: Library Director, J. William Horsey Library Copyright: This Work has been made available by the authority of the copyright owner solely for the purpose of private study and research and may not be copied or reproduced except as permitted by the copyright laws of Canada without the written authority from the copyright owner. Copyright license: Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License Citation: Stanberry, Kern Orbin. “An Integrative Model of Spiritual Formation: Incorporating Practices from Christian Spirituality and Psychotherapy.” D. Min., Tyndale University, 2020. ***** Begin Content ****** Tyndale University An Integrative Model of Spiritual Formation: Incorporating Practices from Christian Spirituality and Psychotherapy A Research Portfolio submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Ministry Tyndale University By Kern Orbin Stanberry Toronto, Canada June 2020 Copyright © 2020 by Kern Orbin Stanberry All rights reserved ABSTRACT This portfolio presents an integrative approach to Christian spiritual formation that refutes the dualism of the modern era. This dualism, which has dominated the western world for approximately three hundred years, places a sharp divide between the "spiritual" realities - one's relationship with God and its imperatives - and the subjective realities of people's lived experiences. These include, but not limited to, our personal, social, relational, cultural and physical existence, experiences and functioning. As a result of the dominant dualism, these "non-spiritual" realities - which are key components in shaping what I call the contextualized self - are often left out of the process of Christian spiritual formation, as it focuses primarily on a person's relationship with God - one's "spiritual life". While this, predominantly single-dimension approach, produces some degree of growth and spiritual development, it does not allow people to bring the full range of the realities of their contextualized self into the process of growth in their redemptive walk with God. Christians, therefore, are often not able to encounter the fullness of God in, and through, the subjective realities of their lived experiences. Yet, it is through the impacts of these very contextualized experiences that each of us develop core understandings of our self, God and others. These core understandings then shape our patterns of interaction with self, God and others. To address the shortcomings of the Western dualistic approach, in the process of spiritual formation, this portfolio posits an integrative model of vi spiritual formation which bridges core concepts, theories and practices of Christian theology/spirituality with those of psychology/psychotherapy. This approach employs key elements from both disciplines as unified agents in a process of Christian spiritual formation which engages both one's relationship with God and the contextualized self in the process of being transformed into the image of Christ (Rom 29:8). This integrative approach is developed though the author's exploration of four perspectives of the relationship between Christianity and psychology. These include a historical overview, assessments from the author's lived experiences, the development of a conceptual and practical integrative model of spiritual formation and consolidated evidence of the efficacy of this integrative approach from the findings of a recent qualitative field research study conducted by the author. This research examined how a diverse group of twelve Christian adults experienced intimacy in their relationship with self, God and others through meditation on scripture and learning about adult attachment styles. This portfolio represents an integrative approach to Christian spiritual formation that moves from the dominant dualistic mindset. It invites Christian educators, pastors, spiritual directors, Christian psychotherapist/family therapists and the lay Christian community to be intentional in including the subjective realities of people's lived experiences in the process of their spiritual growth and development. This portfolio also has potential as a catalyst for further research on integrative approaches to spiritual formation. vii DEDICATION To my three children: Bethney Melaney Joshua May the trace of the Spirit through my footprints inspire your paths and the lives of those you touch. viii ACKNOWLEDGEMENT My journey through to the completion of the DMin program has been an exciting, transforming, and challenging one. As I have come through this process, I have a profound sense of gratitude to several persons who have supported me in various ways during these three years of study. I am forever grateful to Dr. Janet Clarke for her encouragement and support; to my amazing wife, Lois, for restructuring our home life and doing everything she could to ensure my focus and success; to my children for accommodating my less-than-optimal availability to them and yet willing to support me in many ways, and to my friends and church family who have accommodated my absence at many events and meetings and yet faithfully supported me along the way. I am also grateful to my psychotherapy colleagues, students, and clients who, over several years, have enriched my personal and clinical experiences which have led to my increased interest in further exploring the subject of Christian spirituality and psychotherapy. My gratitude is also due to the faculty and staff in the DMin program for their unwavering guidance, instruction, and corrections as I navigated the requirements and expectations of each course. Special thanks to my portfolio advisor, Dr. Peter Shuurman, for helping me pull together this final document. To uphold the privacy and confidentiality of all third-party personal information used in this portfolio as an illustration or case example, I have employed the use of pseudonyms and have also modified the details of situations. ix TABLE OF CONTENTS LIST OF FIGURES .... xii LIST OF TABLES .... xiii GLOSSARY .... xiv CHAPTER I INTRODUCTION .... 1 Relationship Between Christianity and Psychology .... 8 Historical Relationship Between Christianity and Psychology .... 14 CHAPTER II SPIRITUAL AUTOBIOGRAPHY: A LIFE BEING FORMED .... 27 Introduction .... 27 In the Beginning .... 30 My Early Years .... 30 My Early Teen Years .... 34 My Later Teen Years - Early Signs of a Later Calling .... 41 Progression in Secondary School .... 45 Encountering God's Redemptive Love .... 50 My Mother's Harvesting .... 57 My Early Adulthood Years .... 63 Life in a New Country .... 67 A Spirit-Centered Way of Life .... 71 True-Self Awakening .... 75 Conclusion .... 84 CHAPTER III AN INTEGRATED CHRISTIAN SPIRITUAL FORMATION (ICSF) MODEL .... 85 Introduction .... 86 Being Formed into the image of Christ .... 95 Theological Perspectives of the Image of God .... 95 Accepting God's Transformational Work in Christ .... 102 Being Formed from the Current Fabricated Self .... 103 A Practical Integrated Christian Spiritual Formation (ICSF) Process .... 111 The Aim .... 112 Domain .... 113 x Integrated Means .... 115 Lectio Divina .... 117 Psychotherapeutic Practices .... 122 Lynn's Transformational Journey .... 127 Yielding Through the Spirit-Led Transformational Process .... 131 Summary .... 133 CHAPTER IV QUALITATIVE RESEARCH CASE STUDY: AFFIRMING AN INTEGRATIVE CHRISTIAN SPIRITUAL FORMATIONAL PRACTICE .... 135 Introduction .... 135 Opportunity .... 136 Response .... 137 Supervision, Permission and Access .... 140 Context .... 141 Methodology .... 143 Methods .... 144 Phase and Timetable .... 147 Ethics in Ministry-Based Research .... 148 Findings .... 151 Findings from Qualitative Research Data .... 152 Interpretation .... 160 Outcomes .... 162 CHAPTER V CONCLUSION .... 165 APPENDICES .... 171 Appendix A Information Letter .... 172 Appendix B Research Study Consent Form .... 177 Appendix C Research Instruments .... 179 Appendix D Group Research Interview Questions .... 183 Appendix E Purposeful Sampling Criteria and Method .... 184 Appendix F Combined RQ - Part 1, AGI and Qualitative Data Table .... 185 Appendix G Permission to Use Tapestry Weaving Images in Figure 6 .... 189 REFERENCE LIST .... 192 xi LIST OF FIGURES 1 The Integrative Bridge .... 9 2 A Premodern Western Christian Approach to Knowledge/Truth .... 15 3 A Modern Western Dualistic Approach to Knowledge/Truth .... 17 4 A Postmodern Western Relativistic Approach to Knowledge/Truth .... 21 5 Model of Christian Spiritual Formation and Integrative Bridge .... 93 6 Tapestry Fabrication Core Elements and Sample .... 104 7 Summary of Lectio Divina .... 121 8 Six Dimensions of Devotional Reading of Scripture .... 138 9 Fourfold Attachment Style .... 138 xii LIST OF TABLES 1 Five Major Evangelical Christian Views of Theology and Psychology .... 20 2 Project Phase and Timetable .... 147 3 RQ Part-1 and AGI Attachment Style Findings .... 151 4 RQ-Part 2 Level of Attachment Styles Match to General Style .... 153 5 Research Questions and Data Coding Categories .... 154 6 Qualitative Data Findings Excerpts .... 156 xiii GLOSSARY Within the context of this research portfolio, the following terms are used with their respective definitions and meanings: • Devotional reading of Scripture: A systematic and slow meditative reading of selected texts of the Bible. It includes reading, prayer, meditation, contemplation, and action (application). This is a deliberate process whereby one can encounter God, by his Spirit, through his Word. • Adult attachment style: The combined effects of a person's beliefs, expectations, emotions, defenses and relational behaviours which one uses to organize how one engages and functions in close relationships (Simpson and Rholes 1998). There are distinct attachment styles resulting from two core dimensions: 1) anxiety - a sense of self-worth and acceptance, versus rejection by others and 2) avoidance - levels of engagement versus avoidance of intimacy and interdependency with others (Collins and Feeney 2000). The following key attachment styles result: o Secure - low in attachment related anxiety and avoidance: confident view of self and acceptability by others; comfortable with intimacy and interdependency o Preoccupied - high attachment-related anxiety and low avoidance (exaggerated desire for closeness and dependence) but heightened concern of rejection xiv o Dismissing - low attachment-related anxiety but high in avoidance; disregards intimate relationships and values independence and self- reliance. o Fearful - high in attachment-related anxiety and avoidance; although desiring intimate relationships, carries an exaggerated fear of being rejected (Collins and Feeney 2000) • Intimacy: Honest, personal and emotionally significant self-disclosures, in an interdependent relationship, resulting in responses which produce levels of cognitive, affective, relational and/or physical warmth, care, acceptance, understanding, closeness and validation (Laurenceau, et al. 1998; Mitchell, et al. 2008). • Psychology: The fundamental psychosocial phenomena of lived human existence as it is experienced (Crisp, Porter, and Ten Elshof 2019). • Contextualized self: The subjective realities of a person's lived experiences within their contexts. One's contexts might include (but not limited to) personal, racial, social, relational, cultural, educational economic, physical, spiritual and religious. • Fabricated self: The unique perceptions, beliefs, values, attitudes, emotions and behaviours which a person develops in order to respond to, and survive, in a given context. • Psychotherapy: A talk-based therapy, based on psychological understandings, in which a trained psychotherapist safely and effectively helps persons to face and work through the various aspects of their xv thoughts, feelings, moods and behaviours that are affecting their day-to- day lives, relationships, and the ability to live and enjoy life based on their values and desired experiences. • Psychoeducation: A practice of psychotherapy through which specific psychological information is provided that has the potential to stimulate changes in participants' perception, understanding, emotions and behaviours • Qualitative research case study: An in-depth exploration, understanding and description of an exclusively demarcated unit of analysis, such as a program, or a curriculum, through the use of multiple data collection sources, including interviews, observation, and documentation and by analysis of the data through descriptive case themes, patterns, and categories of participants experiences (Merriam and Tisdell 2015; Patton 2002; Creswell and Poth 2018; Sensing 2011). • TCPS 2: Tri-Council Policy Statement: Ethical Conduct for Research Involving Humans for Canada (http://www.pre.ethics.gc.ca/eng/education/tutorial-didacticiel/) xvi CHAPTER I INTRODUCTION I started my Doctor of Ministry (DMin) studies in Christian spiritual formation after being a trained and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist for over eleven years. As I started the program, I had only vague and scattered ideas of what was meant by the term "spiritual formation." It was not very long before I found myself immersed in a rigorous transformational learning experience through this program. My aim in pursuing the DMin program was to seek a genuine, practical and integrative approach to Christian Spiritual growth and maturity which would address the commonly unacknowledged and unaccounted for dualistic methods prevalent in many Christian formational practices in the Western world. This dualistic approach holds to beliefs and practices that treat people's spiritual life, pursuits, and experiences as being unrelated to the psychological and relational realities that shape the rest of their lives. My awareness of this dualism, and my subsequent motivation to study spiritual formation, came through three distinct personal experiences. This awareness started through experiences in my own spiritual journey and what I learnt from other Christians as they struggled to navigate their own life of faith along with the realities of their psychological experiences. Over the past 1 decade, this dualistic issue became much more pronounced as I interacted with clients, supervisees, colleagues and students in my professional roles as a registered psychotherapist, registered marriage and family therapist and professor of counselling. Through these experiences, I came to an undeniable realization of the challenge this dualistic approach presents for Christians and those who try to help them work towards both genuine spiritual growth and healing in the psychological dimensions of their lived experiences. This realization added fuel to my desire to further investigate how a viable integrative solution could be understood, explored, and implemented. The spiritual experience that first drew my attention to the tension between Christian spirituality and lived unique aspects of a person's life, both psychological and physical, occurred shortly after I started my personal walk with Christ. I was born and raised in a Christian home with parents who were actively involved in the local church and who led very conservative personal lifestyles which also set the pace and environment of our home life. Yet it was only shortly after my conversion that I realized that, like most everyone else, I too was steeped in this dualistic mindset. One year after my conversion, I had my first awareness of this mindset, which I now realize was my first challenge to integrating my Christian faith and spiritual practice with unique aspects of my personal life and circumstances. This happened on a Sunday when the church called for a day of fasting and prayer. My family and I got dressed for church and as I was heading out the door, my mother asked me if I had had my breakfast. I 2 said "No Mother". She said, "Kern, now you go to the kitchen and eat your breakfast for we know what will happen.. .Don't worry God will bless you just as much as he will bless others who able to go without food for the day." Now, as a young Christian who was very zealous after God, I was upset and bewildered. But as an obedient son, I ate my breakfast and went to church. I do not remember how "blessed" or not I felt during the service that day. What was life-altering for me was this experience of my mother's wisdom and insight. She had taught me a valuable and enduring lesson about integrating my faith and the spiritual practice of fasting while considering the unique aspects of my personal biological functioning and needs and growing an authentic spiritual walk with God. This was a significant lesson for me because my mother knew that if I had not eaten that day, there was a high possibility that I would experience a hypoglycemic episode. Other congregants would have interpreted my sudden shakiness, dizziness, confusion, and mood changes as manifestations of the presence of the Holy Spirit; my mother would have known otherwise. She would have been able to immediately detect that those were signs of her son experiencing a low blood sugar crisis because he did not eat his breakfast! In her wisdom, she warded off that situation, and in the process taught me a very important spiritual lesson. This integrative lesson was clear: God works with each of us within the unique aspects and realities of our personal life situations. While this lesson was about bringing my spiritual and physical realities (the needs of my 3 body) together in the process of my spiritual development, this had far- reaching implications for all other areas of my life including emotional, mental, and relational. My mother died one year later. Throughout her long illness, I saw her demonstrate steadfast faithfulness to God as she acknowledged her failing health and utilized all the medical help which was available. In the excruciating anguish and pain that marked my life immediately following her death, the integrative lesson which my mother taught me became the means through which I was able to hold tightly onto God as I surrendered to him my emotional upheavals, hurt, pain, and the drastic changes I faced in my personal and family life situations. This early perception of a God who cares for me as a whole person, and who does not separate my "spiritual life" from the rest of my "lived experiences" set the foundation of my desire for an integrative approach to Christian spiritual development. From this personal perspective, the dualistic approach of the wider Christian community, including my local church, had been troubling for me as I continued to grow in my faith. I can remember witnessing many of my peers, and older believers, who held to the dualistic approach, battle with guilt, fear, shame, and confusion as they struggled to make sense of the psychological and relational issues in their lives, while still desiring to deepen their walk with God. Some of these psychological issues were related to navigating problematic family relationships. Others were connected to 4 developmental stages and needs in the areas of sexuality, social interaction with non-Christians, dating relationships and so on. In desperation, some of these Christian brothers and sisters would turn to me for support because they found no place in the church leadership and ministries where they could seek help for these lived experiences and issues which hindered their spiritual maturity. Of course, at that stage of my development, I had nothing to offer them except a listening ear, a compassionate heart, and encouraging words. These experiences deepened my integrative beliefs and heightened my awareness of the unhelpful tension that exists between the spiritual and psychological domains of a person's life. I gradually became more invested in the need to bridge this gulf. Through my teen years and into my mid-adult life, I always found myself involved in some form of helping people work though their personal issues in light of their Christian beliefs. These endeavours emerged through my leadership and supportive roles in capacities such as the head boy and president of the Interschool Christian Fellowship in high school, and as a youth leader in my church. I was later involved in adult Christian education focused on practical issues around parenting and couple relationships. I led discussion groups on similar topics in my local church and volunteered with Christian community organization such as Focus on The Family Ministries and other lay church and parachurch ministries. In reflection, I came to realize that these efforts were part of my deep desire to counter the dichotomous approach to Christian spiritual development and to help people 5 incorporate their walk with God into the emotional, personal, and relational dimensions of their lives. This growing desire to help people integrate their faith and life experiences did not find adequate fulfillment in my peripheral involvement as a volunteer in these church and parachurch ministries while I maintained my career in the technology sector. Following many years of wrestling with God about what to do with this now blazing passion, I resigned my career and answered this calling that would become a professional career in counselling. As I worked in this professional capacity, my desire to help Christian people live out their Christian faith in the everyday practical areas of their life remained my passion. However, it became increasingly evident that, despite various theories and views within the Christian psychology community and within secular postmodern movements, there still remains a missing link in the process to practically and explicitly integrate the tenets of the Christian faith and practices into the process of addressing one's psychological issues in relationship with self, God, and others. I saw the DMin studies in spiritual formation as a fitting place to further explore this missing link and to construct a suitable bridge to span this prevalent dualistic chasm. These three experiences (personal spiritual lessons, what I learnt from my church brothers and sisters, and my professional counselling experiences) have propelled and sustained me in completing this study. My journey towards this goal, through the DMin program, brought me into radical encounters with four critical milestones. The first milestone is an 6 enlightened understanding of the historical nature of the relationship between Christianity and psychology. In my journey towards this milestone, I have gathered important insights and perspectives which have provided a clear conceptual framework, robust theoretical underpinnings, and operational procedures which have served as critical components in my construction of a suitable bridge over the gulf between Christianity and the field of psychology. The remainder of this chapter will take you through the construction of this bridge, its transformational function, and the historical development of views of Christian theology and psychology out of which this bridge derives its authenticity. The components and functionalities of this bridge imagery is the foundation for the subsequent theories and praxis that facilitate my approach to an integrative method of Christian spiritual formation. The second milestone I encountered was the process of reflection on, and the writing of my spiritual autobiography. This project brought me into a profound encounter with my own spiritual journey through which I learned, in hindsight, the integrative nature of the Spirit's transforming work throughout my own life. This milestone is discussed in Chapter Two. The third milestone, which is the subject of Chapter Three, is the reflective and creative process of developing a model of Christian spiritual formation. In this chapter I articulate a model that explicitly integrates Christian theological perspective and spiritual practices with sound psychological theories and psychotherapeutic practices. This model is anchored on the integrative bridge presented in Chapter One and provides an 7 understanding and process though which a person takes steps to be transformed into the image of Christ from his or her currently contextualized self. My final milestone encounter brought me into the field research project experience. This research study explored the effect of devotional reading of scripture, and knowledge of adult relationship styles on the levels of intimacy Christian adults experience in relationship with self, God, and others. The results of this research lend support to the need for, and the efficacy of, an explicitly spiritually and psychologically integrative approach to Christian spiritual formation. Chapter Four presents this milestone. In Chapter Five, I offer a summary of this portfolio and point the reader to its conclusions and future implications. I trust that my sincere passion for seeing God's redeemed people grow into the fullness of Christ in their relationship with self, with God, and with others will be evident and edifying to you as you journey with me through these four milestone encounters. Relationship Between Christianity and Psychology The relationship between Christianity and psychology has had a very long, winding, and controversial history. The perception, understanding and praxis of this relationship have undergone distinct shifts over the premodern, modern and postmodern cultural periods (Gonzalez 1985; Carter and Narramore 1979; Kirwan 1984; Burnham 1989; Crisp, Porter, and Ten Elshof 2019; Malony and Augsburger 2007). I will first introduce the reader to the 8 perception, understanding and application of the relationship between Christianity and Psychology on which my integrative bridge is built. I will then retrace the historical developments that have led me to this conclusion and its application towards an integrative approach to Christian spiritual formation. The strength and stability of any structure are dependent on the foundation on which that structure is built. As such, in order to develop an approach for achieving an integrative and resilient method of Christian spiritual formation, it must be established on a solid foundation. I have explored, identified, and developed a conceptual framework that provides such a foundation for integrating orthodox Christian spiritual development with robust psychological understandings and psychotherapeutic practices. I call this foundational framework the integrative bridge. Figure 1. depicts this bridge and shows its various interconnected components. Figure 1 The Integrative Bridge [Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Figure 1 details. ] 9 This bridge is anchored on the epistemological footings which hold that God is the author of all truths. This includes truths that are derived through the revelation of Scripture and truths that are manifested in God's creation, and which are identified (or more appropriately termed, "scientifically discovered”") through the rational and creative abilities which God has bestowed on human beings (Carter and Narramore 1979; McMinn 1996; Crisp, Porter and Ten Elshof 2019; Johnson 2010). This understanding of the nature and consistency of knowledge derived both from the Bible and from nature, as related sources of God's truth, has its roots in the Bible. The book of Genesis tells us that God created the world and all that it consists of. Other Old Testament Scriptures also affirm this truth. For example, the psalmist declares "The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it" (Psalm 24:1 NIV). This understanding of a God who reveals himself both in his creation and through his written Word, the Bible, has been held throughout the Judeo-Christian world for many centuries up until the start of the modern era. Therefore, it is upon the presuppositional footing of this unity of truths (Carter and Narramore 1979), that the double columns of Christian theology/spiritual practices and psychology realities/psychotherapeutic practices are securely anchored. This unified anchor, then, provides the basis for integrating knowledge and practices from these disciplines that were previously separated through the processes undertaken in the development of 10 the modern Western culture. Details of the key philosophies, beliefs and praxis of this cultural development will be discussed in the following section. The truss of the integrative bridge is the essential structure across which both domains of God's truths find unity. As with the design of the truss in the construction of a physical bridge (Lin and Yoda 2017), the truss of this integrative bridge combines two distinct elements - knowledge of God as revealed through Scripture and Holy Spirit, and knowledge of self, as discovered through psychological understandings and Holy Spirit - into an integrative understanding of truths. The understanding of this essential dual knowledge - that of God and of self - as the foundation for a genuine transformational relationship with God has been held by many prominent scholars and church fathers since the early church centuries (Calvin 1846; Saint Augustine 1910; Benner 2004; Plass and Cofield 2014; Carter and Narramore 1979). In affirming the indispensable role of this dual knowledge in one's spiritual development, John Calvin asserts: "Our wisdom, in so far as it ought to be deemed true and solid wisdom, consists almost entirely of two parts: the knowledge of God and of ourselves" (Calvin 1846, 1342). Likewise, St. Augustine exclaimed "God, always the same, let me know myself, let me know Thee!" (Saint Augustine 1910, 1103). An acceptance of the fundamental interplay of these two truths, as revealed by God in scripture and as explicated through psychology, establishes the conceptual and interactional core structure of the integrative bridge. It is across this unifying 11 element of the bridge that Christianity and psychology find their common ground and reclaim centrality in the process of spiritual formation. Consequently, the deck of the integrative bridge, which overlays the truss (Lin and Yoda 2017), is the place where we live out our life experiences - spiritual and psychological. The deck provides the interface where a person can bring their lived knowledge and experiences into transformational encounters with self, with God, and with others. Undergirded by the solid historical, theological and psychological footing, columns, and truss of this conceptual bridge structure, it is here - on the deck - that transformation takes place. It is on the deck that we bring our knowledge and understanding of the truth of God's revealed Word; the truth of being created in the image of God and yet living under the curse of sin; the truth of the love of God, the redeeming work of Christ, and the power of the Spirit to liberate, heal and save; and the truth of the unique impacts and implications of sin on our personal view self, God and others and the various means we have devised in response to our particular lived experiences. Unlike a dualistic approach, which puts our knowledge and experience of God in one silo and our knowledge and experience of self in another, on the deck of this integrative bridge, we bring our whole selves into a transformational encounter with the liberating power of the Spirit in order to be formed into the image and likeness of Christ. As you journeyed with me through the various elements of this integrative bridge and heard the comfort and confidence with which I assert 12 its authentic role and functions in the process of Christian spiritual formation, many questions may have arisen in your mind. You might be pondering questions such as "But, has psychology not been a secular science and essentially atheistic?" or "What about all those psychologists who have denounced Christianity and, in fact, all faiths as neurotic and a crutch to prop up the ego of weak people?" Another, very understandable question might be "Are you not polluting the Christian Gospel and the purity of the conservative or Evangelical doctrine and tradition by treating the ungodly scientific discipline of psychology as also important to Christian growth as the Bible and Christian spiritual practices?" All these are very good and necessary questions. I will provide some answers to these and other questions, by providing a brief overview of the relationship between Christianity and psychology over three distinct historic periods in the western world. These are the premodern, modern, and postmodern cultural periods. Let me clarify the basis of my approach to seeing the truth of science and of Scripture as related sources of God's truth. My approach is based on an epistemological process which carefully sifts out the "what" of science, that is, the facts of scientific discoveries of God's creation (including human beings), from the philosophical presuppositions and worldviews that the scientist might have used as he or she grappled with, and made meaning of the part of God's creation that was being explored. I will discuss some of the key components of this discernment process. 13 Historical Relationship Between Christianity and Psychology A unified understanding and praxis of God's truth being presented both through scripture and his created world, including the nature and functioning of human beings formed the basic presupposition of the Judeo- Christian world up to the early nineteenth century. It was only during the last, approximately, 300 years that the Western world shifted their basic theistic assumption to one that pitted Christianity against the natural observable order of the world (scientific observations) including psychology (Gonzalez 1985; Johnson and Jones 2000; Johnson 2010; Kirwan 1984). Johnson (2010) notes, "Christians have commonly understood that the natural order is the work of a wise Creator who continues to providentially guide it, and that it, therefore, possesses an intrinsic rationality and orderliness that can be investigated" (p.10). Scripture not only empathically declared the authorship of God in the creation of all that is in the world (Gen 1-2; Zach 12:1), it also records the endowment of mankind with the ability and responsibility to rule over the creation (Gen 1:26). In Genesis chapter two, we see that God demonstrated his desire for human beings to use their rational and intellectual abilities to investigate and categorize aspects of his creation. It reads: "Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild 14 Figure 2. A Premodern Western Christian Approach to Knowledge/Truth, based on a figure in Kirwan 1984, 26. [Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Figure 2 details. ] animals" (Gen 2:19-20, NIV). This understanding of the sacredness inherent in both what God has created and in the investigative involvement of human beings in the created order continued for many centuries and in many regions of the world, including the western world. The following diagram illustrates the premodern presuppositions, worldview and subsequent interpretive process used to arrive at this unified approach to knowledge and truth claims. This approach to truth claims shaped the views of the dominant culture within both the Eastern and Western Christian worlds. This view held no discrepancy between sacred and secular truths about God's creation, including the nature and functioning of human beings - our "psychological" realities. The conviction is aptly reflected in the first stanza of the 325 CE Nicene Creed, the statement of Christian belief: We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is, seen and unseen. 15 This ubiquitous view started to fade in the West by the mid- seventeenth century and was finally shattered by the end of the nineteenth century. The beginning of the end of this approach to truth claims and knowledge started in 1618, in Prague, in the region of Bohemia (Czech Republic) when the Protestants revolted against the Catholic Royal Council (under King Ferdinand of Bohemia - a staunch Catholic). This conflict, known as the Defenestration of Progue, led to The 30-year War (from 1618 to 1648) between Protestants and Catholics and was considered the bloodiest war in Europe before the 20th Century (Gonzalez 1985). The fallout of this sustained war ushered in significant societal and cultural shifts in Western worldviews and started the creation of a chasm between Christianity and science, including psychology (Gonzalez 1985; Johnson and Jones 2000; Kirwan 1984; Burnham 1989). Gonzalez captures the pivotal significance of this very well when he writes: The principles of tolerance of the Peace of Westphalia [which ended the 30-yr war] were not born out of a deeper understanding of Christian love, but out of a growing indifference to religious matters.. .Rulers should not allow decisions to be guided by religious or confessional considerations, but rather by their own interest, or the interest of their subjects. Thus, the modern secular state began to develop [emphasis added] (Gonzalez 1985, 140). This shift from reliance on Christian religion and dogma to guide how people understood reality and engaged in life, paved the way for importance to be given to other philosophical views and assumptions. Two prominent philosophies then took center stage. 16 Modern Era Figure 3 A Modern Western Dualistic Approach to Knowledge/Truth (Kirwan 1984; Burnham 1989; Johnson 2010) [Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Figure 3 details. ] The philosophical works of Rene Descartes (1596-1650) and Immanuel Kant (1724-1804) held prominence in shaping the paradigm of the dominant Western culture (Burnham 1989). These created the underpinning of what has been called the Modern period. The interplay of these philosophies led to dichotomous understandings, implications, and practical application of what had been a unified view of God and his creation. For "as Descartes had divided the cosmos into the realms of matter and mind, in a parallel fashion Kant divided it into the realms of pure and practical reason, of knowledge and faith, of empirical understanding and ethics, of scientific and religious. This comprehensive dualism has been the central mark of modern culture [emphasis added]" (Burnham 1989, 5). Figure 3. illustrates the modern presuppositions, worldview and subsequent interpretive process used to arrive at a dualistic approach to knowledge and truth claims. It has been this modern philosophical paradigm that has dominated the minds of both secular and Christian people in the western world. 17 The most significant implication for theology and psychology is that the dominant worldview in the West became a secular one. Christianity is tolerated but not welcomed in public life. A secular presupposition therefore became the basis for western society's overall worldview. This worldview framed the approach to "modern psychology”" which became a discipline of its own under the rubric of this secular worldview. Furthermore, not only did the modern secularism and its accompanying partners, "rationalism”" and "naturalism" remove God from his created world, they also paved the way for an alternate explanation of what was beyond human comprehension. Thus, Charles Darwin's theory of evolution (Darwin 1859), found a welcoming audience. Given that God was no longer considered by the secular culture as the "creator of everything seen and unseen" in the world, as the Nicene Creed echoes, evolutionary theories became the worldview though which the mysteries of God's creation including human beings became rationally explainable. Modern psychology theorists therefore used this dominant secular presupposition and worldview to frame their exploration of the human mind, emotions, and behaviours. One fitting example of a psychological theorist who followed this course is Sigmund Freud. It was, in fact, under the naturalistic, rationalist, secularized, and dualistic tutelage of the Age of Enlightenment (modern era) that Freud, being "committed to seeing therapy as a science and free from church control, considered religious commitment to be neurotic and illusory, pathological and unhelpful" (Harborne 2012, 26). 18 Christians also adopted this dualistic worldview. Up until the mid-20th Century, with very few exceptions, both sides of this dualistic divide built their respective shielded territories and hid in them for over a century. But by the 1950s some arms of the liberal church came out of hiding and started to make some peace with psychology. They adapted some of its tenets within their pastoral care and counselling ministries, such as chaplaincy work. Later, more formal Christian counselling centres and services were formed. Soon after, some Evangelical Christians also started to reclaim their right to participate in the psychological scientific field. This led to the development of numerous initiatives aimed to reunite the Christian faith with the psychological discipline. These included seminaries adding studies in psychology to their graduate programs. In 1956 the Christian Association for Psychology Studies (CAPS - www.caps.net) was founded and the association started publishing the Journal of Psychology and Christianity (Carter and Narramore 1979; Johnson and Jones 2000; Kirwan 1984; Johnson 2010; Harborne 2012). With the increasing interest in psychology by Evangelical Christians also came fragmentations of beliefs and views about how to approach the acceptance of psychology into Christianity. From 1970 to the present, there have been significant debates and controversies among Evangelical scholars, educators, leaders and laity about how to make sense of and apply the disciplines of Christian theology and psychology in faith and the lives of Christians (Adams 1970; Harborne 2012; Hoenkamp-Bisschops 2000; 19 Kirwan 1984; McMinn 1996; Johnson 2010; Entwistle 2015). This controversy has continued even as the dominant culture crossed over from the modern paradigm to a postmodern era around the 1980's. Eric John (2010) has gathered several of the representatives of the major views on theology and psychology and presented their perspectives in his book Christianity and Psychology: Five Views. Table 1. below provides a summary of these five respective views and their proponents' rationale. The present postmodern Western culture has brought into play very different values, perspectives, and paradigms than the previous modern culture, and in some ways has opened opportunities to reclaim some features of the premodern world. In contrasting the three cultures, "The prevailing images for the premodern world were organic. Those for the modern world were mechanical and dualistic. The characteristic images for the postmodern Table 1 Five Major Evangelical Christian Views of Theology and Psychology (Johnson 2010). [Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Table 1 details. ] 20 world are historical, relational, and personal" (Burnham 1989, 8). While there are many nuances of postmodernity to be teased out, such as its principles of relativism, pluralism, and the denial of objective truth, this cultural movement has reclaimed a legitimate place for religion and spirituality in the scientific community and in the public sphere. Figure 4. depicts the presuppositions, worldview, and subsequent interpretive process used to arrive at relativistic approach to knowledge and truth claims. While the postmodern culture acknowledges individuals' spiritual and religious beliefs and practices, it does not favour Christianity over any other faith system (Burnham 1989; Malony and Augsburger 2007). I believe this becomes problematic for many Christians in one of two ways, as they grapple with how to relate psychology to the Christian faith. For some, they are still Figure 4 A Postmodern Western Relativistic Approach to Knowledge/Truth (Kirwan 1984; Burnham 1989; Malony and Augsburger 2007) [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Figure 4 details. ] awaiting the return of the good-old-days of the premodern (Christendom) era. While others are still safely insulated in their silo, built by the dualism of the 21 modern era. These two representations can be seen in some of the views presented in Table 1. My integrative bridge, which is aligned with the transformational view in Table 1, is the foundation on which my approach to Christian spiritual formation is built. It combines two critical developments in the relationship between Christianity and psychology that occurred across the modern and postmodern periods. First, this integrative bridge concepts build on the integration bedrocks of the many integrationists from the modern era who have grappled with and articulated convincing evidence of the unity of truth - both from Scripture and from nature (Carter and Narramore 1979; Johnson and Jones 2000; Crabb 1987; Harborne 2012; Yarhouse and Sells 2008, Kirwan 1984). These forerunners have ensured the foundational integrity of my integrative bridge through their reassurance that, in fact, in modernity "all conflicts between theology and psychology are conflicts between theory and interpretation of the facts rather than between the facts themselves" (Carter and Narramore 1979). Thus, once the atheistic theories and interpretations are accounted for, the dualistic chasm created by the modern cultural movement can be bridged. Thus, reclaiming the premodern unity enjoyed between Christianity and psychology for several centuries. Secondly, my integrative bridge leverages key elements of the present postmodern culture. While the modern culture had no place in its dominant and prescriptive narratives for the distinctive spiritual, religious, cultural, racial, socioeconomic, and other essential realities of peoples lives, the 22 postmodern culture is built upon validating and respecting these dimensions. Several secular and religious movements have tangibly recognized, and some have institutionalized, the value of religion, spirituality and other cultural aspects of people's lives in the process of psychotherapy and psychiatry (Aist 2012; Griffith and Griffith 2002; Brown, Elkonin and Naicker 2013; Rosmarin, Forester, et al. 2015; Rosmarin 2018). Two examples of the institutionalization of psychology and spirituality/religion in the postmodern culture are worth noting. In 1983, the American Psychological Association's (APA) Commission on Religion and Psychiatry (https://www.apa.org/about/division/div36) named their award and lecture initiative the Oskar Pfister Award and Lecture, in recognition and honour of Pfister's work. Pfister, born in 1873, was a Protestant pastor in Zurich, Switzerland who upheld Freud's psychodynamic theory and co- founded the Swiss Psychoanalysis Society in 1919. He "authored over 300 books and articles articulating the relevance of psychoanalysis to a variety of fields - art, education, anthropology, and his own work as a pastor" (Aist 2012, 617). It was to this exceptional legend that the APA turned, at the beginning of the postmodern cultural movement, as an icon of the interrelatedness of spirituality and psychology. As a pastor, Pfister did not succumb to the irreligious pressures of modernity. He kept alive the premodern relevance of religion/spirituality and psychology as normative in people's lives (Aist 2012). Furthermore, with the inception of the College of Registered Psychotherapists of Ontario (CRPO), Spiritually Integrated 23 Psychotherapy (SIP) is included as one of the therapeutic modalities in the practice of the control act of psychotherapy (https://www.crpo.ca/modalities- of-psychotherapy/). While some in the Christian community have continued to hide from psychology in their "Christian silo" that was erected during the modern period, postmodernity has pushed secular psychology out of its competing silo. In emerging from its silo, the psychological community has withdrawn (or minimized) its denouncement of the importance of religion/spirituality in people's lives. Amidst this postmodern cultural openness to embrace spirituality and faith, Christians now have important grounds to reclaim for God. Therefore, my initiative in positioning psychotherapy and Christian spiritual practices as contributing agents in an integrative approach to Christian spiritual formation is one step in reclaiming such ground. Toward this end, my integrative bridge rejects the dualism of the modern culture, reclaims an integrative (theologically and psychologically) approach to understanding and experiencing God's redemptive work in Christ and posits an explicitly Christian spiritual formational application of the integration of theology and psychology. Furthermore, in combining these elements from both the modern and postmodern era, my integrative bridge is unapologetically geared towards serving the formational needs of those who profess the Christian faith and desire to experience increasing Christlikeness in their life. Not only does this 24 integrative bridge reclaim the unity of truth between Christianity and psychology, it also invites people to freely and sincerely bring their whole uniquely contextualized selves to the deck of this bridge in order to have a genuine transformational encounter with self, with God, and with others. Consequently, I believe this integrative bridge is differentiated from other forms of integrating Christianity with psychology in both the modern and postmodern cultures. While it shares some features and components from classic integration in modernity (McMinn 1996; Crabb 1987; Kirwan 1984, Johnson and Jones 2000), and from the postmodern integration approach, from both Christian and non-Christian interests, the ultimate aim of this approach is Christian spiritual formation. It is not simply geared towards symptom reduction/removal nor resolution of a client's presenting issues. My model of spiritual formation, which is articulated in Chapter Three, will put this integrative conceptual framework within its broader operational context. As I reflected on my own life journey, I can see, in retrospect, that I have traversed elements of this integrative bridge from time to time. At times I have had an intense encounter across this bridge and at other time not so intense. On occasions, I had been propelled across the bridge by the turbulent waters of my life. At other times I have strolled across the bridge being prompted by more calm and reassuring life circumstances. In every case, however, I have now come to realize that the Spirit drew me into transformational encounters with the knowledge and experience of God's redemptive healing, liberation, and hope. At the same time, I have also 25 encountered some of the realities of my own contextualized sins, brokenness, and needs. My spiritual autobiography highlights some of my transformational experiences as I journeyed through the various stages of my life. It is to this milestone encounter that I will now turn. 26 CHAPTER II SPIRITUAL AUTOBIOGRAPHY: A LIFE BEING FORMED Introduction As Frederick Buechner has said in Telling Secrets, 'Maybe nothing is more important than that we keep track, you and I , of these stories of who we are and where we have come from and the people we have met along the way because it is precisely through these stories in all their particularity ... that God makes [God's] self known to each of us most powerfully and personally.' Remembering our stories is more than reminiscence or recalling our past. Listening to our life is like listening to the voice of God, even as the boy Samuel thought Eli was calling him, only to realize that God was speaking to him (Morgan 2002, Kindle Location 139-144; Buechener 1991, 30). As I pause long enough to ponder the intricate details of my life, I find an astonishing path traced by the Spirit. I am struck with awe as I look back over the contours of this path and discover that, for every step and in every stage, I was transported beyond my personal limitations, sins, and brokenness. I discover that my life has been a journey way beyond me. As I traverse the various dimensions of my life and begin to pay close attention to both the big picture experiences as well as the specific details, I can now see evidence of the presence and working of God's immanent and transcendent grace in a life that has not been worthy of such compassion and love. This process of recounting my life's story has shed light on many of the sacred 27 gems of the Spirit which have been hidden within seemingly insignificant events of my past. In retrospect, I can see that my life has followed an interwoven pattern of two distinct interacting domains. The first sphere involves the practical and external realities of my experiences within their given contexts. These include all the things which have constituted my physical realities, such as place of birth, gender, race, culture, parents and family of origin, religion, etc. These aspects of my life are what shaped my external contexts within which I functioned and through which the second domain took form. The second realm is my internal world of thoughts, emotions, values, meaning, and a personal sense of selfhood. It has been very interesting, in my self exploration and reminiscing, to discover how these two domains interact and integrate to form the resulting meaning that I make of my life. My aim in writing this spiritual autobiography is to trace the path of the Spirit in my life. In doing so, I will track the ways in which God has formed me through the idiosyncratic and contextual confines of my life and has taken me beyond my own expectations and dreams. Through this process, I will recount the "narrative thread that weaves its way through the external events or inner experiences and holds them together into a coherent, integrated whole" (Dillon 2011, 149). As I recount these events and experiences, I will explore the impacts and interworkings of the fallen nature on the ways in which I experience myself and the world around me. I will elucidate the process and results of the immanent and transcendent grace of 28 God as he has been working through the detailed circumstances of my life. I will show how his redeeming power has "...lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." (Psalm 40:2). In scripting my life's story, I acknowledge to the reader that this account represents my subjective present recollection of the details surrounding events, people, places, and things which helped to shape the many ways in which I have experienced my life. I am documenting these experiences through the lens which I have used to integrate the external and internal domains of my life and made meaning of events and their impacts on me. In some cases, I have modified or changed the names of people and altered specific details to protect the identity of individuals and to respect their right to confidentiality and privacy. This account of my life is presented in four sections. The first section captures my early childhood years followed by an account of my early teenage years. Section two tells the story of the early signs of my calling to the helping profession, the curve of my life in secondary school, my first spiritual conversion experience, and my experience of losing my mother. Section three elucidates my early adult years and the starting of my family in Canada, respectively. Section four walks the reader through the experiences of my second conversion; from a self-centric to a God-centric way of life which led to a career change and the pursuit of a vocation that has truly been a transformational experience on the deck of the integrative bridge. The 29 conclusion section summarizes the theme of my spiritual journey and my image of God at each stage of my development. While the reason for writing my spiritual autobiography is to fulfill part of the requirements of my doctoral degree program, the impacts of undertaking this project reaches far beyond its academic goal and benefits. It is my hope that anyone who stumbles upon this writing may not only know the paths of the Spirit through the contextual domains of my life but may also be inspired to reflect on the working of God's grace in the stories of his or her own life in relationship with self, God, and others. In the Beginning We may say, "I lived through that once; it really hurt; and I don't want to think about it anymore". Furthermore, we discover family skeletons rattling around in the closets of our lives, and some of us believe those scary memories need to be kept there. Experience proves that those memories will resurface, because they always remain a part of who we are. But instead of being a burden of guilt and remorse, even the most painful experiences, once we have made peace with them, can become sources of blessing and strength for life's journey (Morgan 2002, Kindle Locations 168-173). My Early Years I am the fifth of twelve children born to my parents, Edward and Ismay, who were married in 1956. We lived in a small rural community in the south-central area on the island of Jamaica. My parents started raising a family in the early years following World War II which was a very difficult and challenging time in history. My parents and grandparents struggled to survive the economic, social, and political hardships of the life they faced. It 30 was by God's grace and favour that he allowed them not only to be able to provide for our family's basic needs, but also support many other families and individuals in the community. My mother and father were the ones who first demonstrated to me what it looked like to live out one's dedication to God through meeting the needs of others. My father faced some unique hardships in his early life. He came from a large family, his father died when he was 16 years old, and he had to withdraw from school after grade 2 due to ill health. After this father died, he, though not the oldest, had to assume the role of bread winner for his family and was unable to continue his elementary education. He recounts stories of the hardships he endured as a young boy going from job-to-job, in various famers' homes and fields. It was one of these jobs that brought him from his original community, in his late teens, where he subsequently met and married my mother. My mother also came from a large family and lost her father at an early age. As a result, I have never known a grandfather. By the time I was born my mother was well established in her career as a seamstress in addition to being a homemaker. My father, being a quick learner and a determined man, had learned several trades. Over time, he honed his skills and generated a decent income by building houses, making shoes and, along with my mother, operating a small community general store. My father had also built a second house which he rented as a source of additional income. My parents' 31 tenacity and entrepreneurship, which were integrated with the practice of their faith in God, has left an enduring impression on me. I was immersed in the Christian faith and lifestyle from my early childhood. In fact, I had never known my parents to be anything other than committed believers in Christ and active members in our local Pentecostal Church. From as far as I can remember, my father has served in the church in various capacities: deacon, Sunday school teacher and director, pianist, and choir director. My mother was a nurturing "mother figure" to everyone, both in the Church and in the wider community. As a family, we attended Church activities at least eight times each week. In addition, I can remember as a small boy going with my dad and others to visit the sick and shut-in on many Sunday afternoons, before returning to church for the night service. My family was distinct in many ways. Growing up I never heard a swear or curse word used by any of my family members. My parents practiced, and instilled in us, values of independence, self-restraint, and interpersonal boundaries. For example, as children we could not ask for, or accept, any material items from anyone outside of the family. As I recall, my parents' rationale was that they had the responsibility to provide us with whatever we needed, and we must learn to be content therewith. This childhood prohibition helped shape my ability to discipline myself in many other areas of my life and God used this early life experience to help me embrace his imperatives and promises. My parents not only taught me these early disciplines as means of obedience to them; they helped me 32 learn the life lesson to "be content with what [I had], because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'" (Heb. 13:5). Along with the discipline and character-building experiences of my early years, I also remember having a very happy, secure, and fulfilled childhood. I had a very close emotional connection with my mother. She was my go-to person for everything. Even when she was spanking me for misbehaving, I knew she loved and cared for me. I often wonder how it is that she left me with such strong memories of having her full attention and love when, in fact, she had so many of us children to care for and to give her attention to? While she was strict in her discipline and held clear expectations for each of her children, she was fun and witty and often told us hilarious stories which would have us bent over with uncontrollable laughter. I have warm memories of growing up with my siblings and other kids in the community. There were many games and activities which we often engaged in. Of course, as children, we would get into many conflicts and sometimes fights would break out. However, I was not usually the one to initiate nor get involved in fights, neither with my siblings nor other children. I can recall being involved in only one fight. I distinctly remember that this was a very unpleasant experience for me. When it was over, my opponent, Tony, was more hurt than I was. I felt very bad about what I had done and vowed to myself that I would not engage in another fight. The attitude of my childhood heart had, from then onwards, resonated with the words: "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone" (Rom 33 12:18 NIV). I found that this motto has shaped the way I live my life to this day. By the time I was in the sixth grade, I was a mellow kid. It seemed my introverted personality had started to frame me in overt ways. While I continued to enjoy playing various games and sports activities with many boys at school and in the community, I do not recall having a best friend whom I needed to be with all the time. I was very close with my older brother and we did just about everything together. By age eleven, my interest in many of the activities of my peers became distant. I had no pleasure in their generally giddy pursuits of frivolous and mischievous behaviour and pranks. I did not find it socially comfortable being among them. I became self- reflective and conscious of my need to find a place of significance both within my family and in social settings. Of the many areas in which I struggled to fit in, my slower-than-average academic development created distress for me. I was pressed by this issue as I entered the next phase of my development. My Early Teen Years No one, including myself, expected that I would have overcome the academic challenges with which I entered grade seven. My academic challenges were in sharp contrast to the brilliance of many of my siblings. There I was, a 12-year old boy, middle child of twelve siblings, sitting in my grade seven class and clutching, not only my pencil and notebook, but also the emotional gloominess and perplexities which often depict a discrete spot 34 on the spectrum of the common birth-order phenomenon. I could clearly identify with this predictable experience which suggests that "... . the middle child is 'iffy' - the product of many pressures coming from different directions. More than any other birth order, you must look at the entire family to understand a particular middle child. How he or she finally turned out is about as predictable as a Chicago weather report. In many ways, the middle child remains a mystery" (Leman 1999, 153). Starting the seventh grade represented a significant transitional point in my life. Many things had changed. I was no longer in elementary school, where I walked to and from. Now I had about a 20-minute bus ride to school. To say this was a very difficult time in my life would have been an understatement. Not only did I struggle in my academic performance in this new school and feel like I did not measure up to the other students, I also did not embody any particular artistic abilities. I was not good at sports, music, social skills, and so forth, for which I could have felt significant or positive about myself. In contrast, most of my siblings sported outgoing and confident personalities and possessed strong academic abilities. One thing that was very clear and constant for me was the love and care I experienced from my family. My parents held an equally high value of education for all their children. They showed this in the effort and care they took to provide us with the best educational opportunities they thought feasible. Both my parents also showed their care for us by modelling and teaching us basic life skills, integrity, self value, and the importance of 35 looking out for the needs of each member of the family and those of others in the community. Despite my personal despair in grade seven, I was very happy each day to come home to this loving and fun-filled home environment. I was much more emotionally connected to my mother than my father. While she was strict, she also had a very warm, inviting, caring, and validating way of relating to all of us children - in fact, to everyone inside and outside of the family. Coming home from school each day I knew my mother would be thinking of me despite carrying out all her other responsibilities as a seamstress, manager of our family's store, and caring for my other siblings. There were always after school tasks; sometimes in the shop assisting customers or replenishing supplies. At other times, looking after the younger siblings or preparing dinner for the whole family. I felt secure in my relationship with my mom - "Mother" as we all referred to her. Although the activities she engaged me in all involved some form of work, these were also the times during which we engaged in meaningful conversations. During these times she often explicitly showed her affection, affirmation, care, value, and love for me. She loved to laugh and tell jokes. She sometimes teased and made fun of us kids in good, fun, and enjoyable ways. My mother also taught me to do all forms of domestic work such as cleaning house, laundry, and ironing clothes. I remember often wondering why I needed to know how to do all these chores when there were more than enough people in the house to do them. I was 12-years old when I got the answer. I got home from school one 36 day and my mom assigned me to prepare dinner for the family. She must have seen the puzzled look on my face and in her Jamaican Patois accent she replied "Kern, mi a teach yuh how fi duh dem tings yah, so when yuh married, yuh nuh haffi depen pan yuh wife fi wash, cook, and clean fi yuh!" (Kern, I'm teaching you to do all these things so that when you get married you don't have to depend on your wife to make you good food, do laundry, iron your clothes, and keep your home clean and tidy"). My siblings were also great sources of support and encouragement as I struggled through my slow academic development. I could bring homework and other challenging class work to my sisters and brother and they were always willing, patient, and diligent in helping me. I cannot recall any of them criticizing or putting me down. They were always encouraging, supportive and hopeful for my development. My family's support of me taught me much more than the importance of belonging to a caring group of people. Through each person's genuine expressions and actions of care, understanding, encouragement and support, I gained an experiential knowledge of what it means when Scripture says "Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us" (1 John 4:11-12 NIV). Through the love of my family, God helped me to gradually push beyond my limitations and become more than I was expected to be. In hindsight, I can now see that God was indeed working through the contextual lived realities of my life; directing my steps 37 across what I now can conceptualize as the integrative bridge of transformation. By the time I ended grade seven, I had improved significantly in several subject areas. This was very encouraging to me and my family. I entered grade nine at only one class (Grade 9-2) below the top achievers in that stream (Grade 9-1). While this was another step up the totem pole in my academic status, my most impactful confidence-booster came about midway through this school year. Each year, all the secondary schools in the region would invite all grade nine students to compete in a standardized mathematics competition. I am not sure what got into me that I could even think of entering such a competition. I am pretty sure it must have been the prompting of my grade nine math teacher, Mr. Bridge, with whom I had frequently butted heads about what was the "correct" way to prove a mathematical equation. Mr. Bridge was a warm and approachable teacher who began to support and respect my developing understanding of mathematics in his class. It seemed he admired me for my passionate defence of my rationale as I grappled with various math problems. On the day of the math competition, I arrived in the classroom with fear and apprehension. I quivered as I saw the brilliant and flashy grade 9-1 boys and girls strut in and take their seats. The only assurance I had to cling onto was one of my father's maxims: "You don't know if you can unless you try". By that age and stage in my young life, my dad's values of 38 independence and determination were also starting to become imprinted in me. I clearly remember thinking, "Well, let those brilliant students do their thing. I will be Kern and do Kern, and whatever is the outcome, I will be able to say I tried". As the 90-minute test got started everyone, including myself, was diligently focused on working through the many questions. After about thirty minutes, I was distracted when a couple of the brilliant students got up from their seats, handed in their papers and left the room. I thought, "Wow! I am not even halfway through the questions and they are already done! I guess there might not be much hope for me to finish on time". I however, put my head back down and resumed my work. Other students continued to leave and with about twenty minutes left and several equations to finish, I started to panic. Before I lost focus, my previously determined thought of "let those brilliant students do their thing. I will be Kern and do Kern" flitted across my consciousness and jolted me back into calmness and focus. I took my time and completed all the questions on time. However, I felt embarrassed to have been the last one to hand in his paper. Within a few weeks, the anticipated results arrived. I was not excited to hear my results, per se. My curiosity was to know what place my school achieved in the region and which one of the high-achieving grade 9-1 students held the top place in our school. I was completely flabbergasted by the result. Nothing in my life, up to that point, had prepared me for what I was told. I was in such shock that I honestly do not remember who 39 communicated the results. All I know is that my head was set whirling when it was announced to the school body that of all the grade nine students at our school, Kern Stanberry had achieved the highest score in the mathematics competition! I cannot begin to explain what this meant to me. I had an instant paradigm shift in my perception of myself and that of the popular, brilliant, and flamboyant grade 9-1 boys and girls. It had been about one and a half years since I had given my life over to God and had been steadily growing in my faith and dependency on the Holy Spirit's direction and empowerment in every area of my life. This achievement, therefore, taught me a few unforgettable lessons of faith and of life. The first lesson I learnt was that the God whom I trusted to save me from a sinful lifestyle and bring me into a personal relationship with him, was also interested in, and present with me in my educational development and achievements. This lesson reaffirmed to me that God does not relate to his children in a dualistic manner, as I initially learned from my mother about six months earlier, and discussed in the previous chapter, but is equally concerned with our piety as with every other aspect of our contextual realities. Put succinctly, the lesson is: God works in an integrative manner. Secondly, this first-place achievement validated the maxim I adopted from my father: I tried, and with humility, faith, and dependency on God, I proved that I could. The third lesson I took from this experience is what I learned from Mr. Bridge. He allowed me to experience the richness and outcome of "being believed in", even when you do not fully believe in 40 yourself. I found that this compassionate and hopeful attitude has accompanied me and has extended to everyone I interact with both personally and in my various forms of ministry. I can now see that these three lessons I learnt at such an early stage of my life, have played a role in informing my present understanding and conceptualization of an integrative form of Christian spiritual formation. My Later Teen Years - Early Signs of a Later Calling The threads that started to interlace through my childhood experiences, mid-teens and later teenage years were weaving a tapestry that I only fully understood much later in my life. Since my early teens I have always had a heart for helping people address personal and relationship issues and conflicts in their life. I often found myself engaged in various activities oriented towards this end, both within the Church and in the community. I have always had people reach out to me for support with their problems and confide in me to help them address various personal, spiritual, and relationship issues. These were, at the time, unconscious natural inklings of my internal sense of calling to the people helping field. My desire to help people and support them in developing their potential was manifested in various settings throughout my teenage years. I was a sounding board for many in my youth group at church and I found myself mediating disputes in my family. I mentored peers at school and had many deep personal conversations with random people in the community as I 41 went about my day-to-day activities. While, at the time, I had not been self- reflective to realize how I was being perceived by others, it became surprisingly clear that I was being noticed. I do not know for sure what people saw in me. I can only now assume that what people saw in me might have been glimpses of my middle-child peaceful personality, previous lessons I internalized about believing in the potential of others, and my earlier experiences and developing understanding that our spiritual life was not segregated from, but intertwined with the rest of our lived experiences (the psychological dimensions). One of the roles I found myself in at my school had the title "head boy". It was in my senior years when I was asked to wear this title. It meant that I was expected to lead the student body by setting a good example in my conduct, behaviour and attitude. My role was to make connections with students and provide them with various kinds of support and/or referrals to appropriate resources for academic, social, or other issues. My responsibilities also included encouraging class attendance, punctuality, participation, and good school spirit among the student body. I also represented the students both within the school and to external organizations and entities. In addition, the head boy duties included organizing and overseeing the school prefects (student leaders from each grade) and taking a leadership role in school-wide activities including weekly morning assemblies and devotions. 42 I can still remember the overwhelming feelings that flooded me when I got the news that I had been elected head boy. I was suddenly filled with panic, dread, awe, joy, and bewilderment. As one who had not felt significant, nor accomplished, nor tangibly validated for most of my younger years, this was an enormous deal for me! Suddenly, it dawned on me that this quiet, soft- spoken, introverted boy had something of value to offer others. This was another significant confidence booster for me. I undertook the job with determination, humility, and a dependency on God. I also soon became the president of the Inter-School Christian Fellowship (ISCF). This group was comprised of a teacher representative and students who wanted to nurture and celebrate their Christian faith within the school community. The group also served as a witness for God in the school environment. The group met at least once per week for worship, prayer, sharing of the Word, and testimonies. These leadership roles and the opportunity to be a resource and positive influence on my peers, juniors, and teachers, were very enriching experiences for me. These, along with my two main academic mentors (Mr. Bridge and Mr. Hamilton) whom God had placed in my life during grades nine, ten and eleven, endowed me with a new self-confidence and a sense of purpose that I had never felt before. I moved from a sense of inadequacy to efficacy and from insignificance to having purpose and value. It was on the crest of these waves, boosted by respect from students, teachers, and school 43 administrative personnel, that I proudly walked the stage at my gradation at the end of grade eleven. Among the gestures of recognition I received at this graduation ceremony, one stood out most significantly. I was given an award for being the "Most Improved Student". This awareness was significant for me, not because it exemplified superb achievements, as one would expect, nor because it acknowledged the leadership and mentorship services I performed in previous years. For me, this award did not only reflect the strides I had made in the above-mentioned areas of leadership and mentorship. Neither did it resonate mostly with my internal growth in self confidence and value. This award was very significant because it conjured up reflective emotions of gratitude, pride, and marvel, mixed with humility. As I took those slow and pensive strides to the stage to receive my award, I relived, in a moment, the internal struggles and triumph which marked my path over the preceding five years. As I neared the platform, I was transfixed by the memories of the years which followed my grade nine mathematics competition victory. As the thought of being the most improved student swirled in my head, with about twenty steps to reach the platform, I relived, in a flash, the events of the previous two and a half years. These events both severely challenged and deepened the previous lessons I had learned about faith and life. 44 Progression in Secondary School My achievement in the math competition changed my view of myself. It brought me to a new level of self confidence and determination to succeed academically. It also brought me additional support and mentorship. Following that experience, I believed more profoundly that I could achieve more than I had ever thought possible for myself. From that point onwards, I put in extra effort and pushed myself to develop, especially in mathematics and science where I seemed to have more natural abilities. This academic curve continued to move me up one notch at a time, and by grade ten I was placed in "10-1" class. Apart from those students whose grades had slipped significantly or those whose grades had improved significantly, each year students moved on to the same level class in the successive grade. Here I was, sitting in the grade 10-1 class with all the smart students who intimidated me in the math competition the pervious year. My head was held high, I had no emotions of fear, intimidation or embarrassment. I was now enjoying the fruits of my dad's adage - I tried, and I proved that I could succeed! I sat there with humbled confidence, pondering, "What then shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Rom 8:31 NIV). I had earned the right to be in the highest class of grade ten - a work of God through many sources beyond me. My grade ten class had a very high ratio of girls to boys which was a comfortable setting for me. Up to this point in my development, I had always 45 related more comfortably with girls than with boys my age. I was not interested in the things most boys in my class were interested in such as making mischief, experimenting with alcohol and cigarettes, and the various ways they satisfied their wanton objectification of girls. My respect and comfort level with girls also arose from the values my parents instilled in me for women. I can remember, even from a young age, being very upset whenever I witnessed a female being taken advantage of, especially by a male. I believe my comfort level with females also had to do with the very strong positive emotional connection I had with my mother. She was very approachable, easy to talk with, and honest. The positive and validating relationships I had growing up with my sisters also conditioned me to be comfortable with a grade ten class full of girls. It was uncommon, to many on-lookers, that I had this respectful, egalitarian relationship with my female classmates, and women in general. I was not able to explain this unique dynamic I found myself in either. However, in retrospect, I would have been able to give an intelligent explanation of this phenomenon if I had met Dr. Kevin Leman during my grade ten years. He would have helped me understand how my unconscious childhood memories accounted for future relationship dispositions. He asserts: Throughout the mundane moments of life-especially during your early childhood-you are subconsciously trying to figure out what life is about. Because this is such an important function in childhood, your psyche is constantly waiting and watching for the moment that makes sense of the world around you and your place in it. That moment 46 might be successfully finishing a puzzle on the living-room coffee table by yourself or watching a large koi glide through the water under a bridge while you're holding your mother's hand. Whatever that key is to you-and each person's key truly is unique-your psyche recognizes it when it comes (Leman 2007, 33) Through this theoretical lens, I can now see some of the unique "key moments" in my early childhood through which I had developed my subconscious sense of the world of female interactions and what these relationships meant to me. My relationship with my mother fostered many of those key moments in which I made sense of the world around me. I recalled that as a young child some of these formative moments occurred while I was sitting next to my mother at her sewing machine. I would help her put hemming in the raw edges of the garments she was making while she talked with me about life, reflected on personal and family dynamics and issues, or just goofed around. I remember always getting a chuckle out of the funny newspaper cartoon clip she had taped to the wall above her sewing machine. The caption read, "Lord please take Mutty and Hermina off my back!". That was her humorous way of reminding us children to give her a break sometimes. These moments were critical in the formation of my positive emotional sense of female relationships. My interactions with my sisters also deposited in me vital reference points in what it meant to relate to girls. From as far as I can remember, in various ways, my interactions with my sisters told me that relating to girls is safe, sincere, caring, and fun. My sisters and I would often be working 47 together on chores and other tasks, having personal conversations, and giving or receiving emotional support. We had many, many times of doing fun things together. My Christian values and principles also served as a very strong guide in my views and interactions with females. A source which gave me practical grounding in these biblical principles was a book I picked up in the library at school. It was entitled On Becoming a Man (Shryock 1951). I vividly recall that this book was an inspiration for me in my teen years. It gave me some very practical ways to become a man of integrity, including relating to the opposite sex with respect and chivalry. God had used these unique people (family members and others) and experiences to shaped me to be the grade ten student that I had become - surrounded by these many girls. It was not long before I came to realize that I was not only accepted as equal by my classmates but that I was respected by them. They often turned to me for help with math and physics, especially. As the girls realized that I was a "safe" boy to talk with, I became their big brother and counsellor. I quickly found myself listening to stories and giving advice to them on issues ranging from conflict with parents, to family problems, to boyfriend issues, to personal issues. And, given my already developing ease with "helping" people, listening attentively and giving supportive suggestions came naturally. Of the few boys in my class, there was an exceptional one with whom I developed a close friendship - one which has lasted to this day. "J" and I 48 shared very similar values and, though we had very different personalities and Christian faith traditions, we had enough in common to form a bond. J was (and is) a very jovial person. He takes nothing seriously and yet has always been respectful of others, except when it comes to some of the pranks he pulled off in class. My grade ten classmates were not the only people that I started to form meaningful relationships with. Following my exceptional success in the grade nine mathematics competition, my math teacher, Mr. Bridge, who had already been a motivator of mine, was even more keen in supporting my academic development. Mr. Hamilton, a brilliant mathematics and physics teacher also became one of my academic mentors though grade eleven. My confidence and determination were further bolstered by the enthusiasm with which the school principal and vice principal encouraged and supported me. I knew that through these various relationships, the hand and favour of God had been guiding me though these critical junctures in my life. Through these experiences, I now realize that I continued to be affirmed in the lesson that everyone, given the appropriate opportunity, love, care, support, and encouragement has the ability to pursue the purposes of God for their life. This attitude has continued to inform my approach to helping people both in my personal and profession roles. I was lost in the intensity of this flashback of my last two and a half years at school, when I was jolted back into the reality of my graduation ceremony by a voice pronouncing, "Congratulations! Kern Stanberry, most 49 improved student". I realized that I had reached the platform. I extended my right hand and grasp the certificate. With a mixture of awe, disbelief, and gratitude, the words of the psalmist flooded my mind: "The Lord is my shepherd.... He guides me along the right paths for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." (Psalm 23:1-4 NIV). My heart was filled with gratitude for the many people whom God had placed in my life - great classmates, teachers, supportive family, friends, and church community. But two separate events occurred during my secondary school years that transformed my life more profoundly than anything else had. Encountering God's Redemptive Love I am stilled puzzled by an inexplicable experience I had sometime during the year 1976. I cannot recall which month it was. I was alone in the backyard one Sunday evening doing some chores when suddenly I heard a soft unfamiliar voice calling my name. This voice was very audible but did not sound like that of a family member or anyone I had heard before. This call jolted me from what I was engaged in and I immediately started looking around but saw no one. I went to my mother and asked if she had called me. She said no and, in her usual fun-loving manner, said, "If you hear the voice again, just say, speak Lord your servant is listening". I did not hear the voice again for many weeks. Then one night as I was sitting in the dining room alone I, again, heard the same voice whispering my name. 50 A crippling fear seized me immediately following these incidents. I felt as though I had become subconsciously opened to a spiritual dimension of my being which I had never known before. It however was a very hazy and frightening experience. This fear made it extremely difficult for me to go anywhere at night. Once night fell, I was terrified by even the slightest unexpected movement or sound. I felt as though whoever or whatever had been calling my name was lurking in every obscure place, just waiting for an opportunity to snatch me away. I was often teased and laughed at by some of my siblings for these weird behaviours which lasted for months. I swiftly became this unsettled, very fearful, lonely, and lost thirteen- year-old boy. The eerie and perturbing presence of this sudden spiritual alertness felt as though the powers of darkness and the Spirit of God were battling for my soul without my consciousness. I had no understanding of what was happening to me. All I knew was that something outside of my control had seized me and I was alone in a ghostly maze. Then came January 2, 1977. Despite being born and raised in the Church, I did not have a personal relationship with Jesus until thirty-six days before my fourteenth birthday. This day was a Sunday, and it began as normal as every other Sunday, with going to church and the usual activities after church with family. My friend and I attended the evening service, and following the testimony portion of the service, my dad, a deacon, was called as the preacher for the night. Suddenly an Evangelist in the Church, interrupted the preaching (a common experience 51 in my Pentecostal Church services) with her singing of Fanny Crosby's song: Sinner How Thy Heart is Troubled. This was hymn number 124 in the Redemption Songs (Collins n.d.). The words of the hymn suddenly hit me like flaming arrows, piercing deep into my soul. This sudden change in my experience that Sunday evening came as an abrupt involuntary shift which took me away from the casual conversation I was engaged in with my friend. I had been giving him my rational explanation of the various manifestations of the Spirit in the service up to that point. He was not accustomed to the Pentecostal church revival service phenomenon. People were speaking in tongues; others giving spontaneous words of prophecy, with another interpreting; some people were falling to the floor, rolling about and so on. I was in the middle of my "seasoned church- boy" exposition of these things to my unchurched friend when, suddenly, I was no longer conscious of my friend sitting next to me. I cannot remember a word of my dad's preaching. My engagement in all these interactions with my friend ended abruptly as the words of the song poured from sister G's lips and carried in exuberant harmony by the congregation. My spirit, mind and body were at once impaled by the strike of the flaming arrows from the words of the song (Collins 2005, 35). I do not recall if I had ever heard that song before. But in that moment, I encountered the presence of God, his loving call for me to come, and my acute awareness of my sinfulness before a holy God. 52 I was pierced by the Spirit. I was fastened to the pew on which I sat. In that moment, I was brought into a vivid consciousness of my sinful state. I was overwhelmed with feelings of helplessness and a fearful separation from God. I knew I had to make a choice that very moment. This song cut me to my soul. I was convicted of my sins and enraptured by this invitation to turn my life over to God. I also remember the struggle which followed. As clear as ever, I heard another voice in my head saying to me, "Don't be silly! Don't embarrass yourself in front of your friend! Shake off this feeling and just walk out the back door of the church and forget about what it happening to you right now!" I fought this internal battle for what then felt like a very long period time. In reality, it might have been only about 10-15 minutes. My body started to quiver and shake, and I knew that I could not resist the voice of the Spirit any longer. Being physically weakened by this encounter and by the distress of the resulting spiritual conflict within me, my knees wobbled as I took the first step towards the front of the church in response to the altar call. As I walked, I was still being hit by the flaming arrows as the refrain "O be saved, His grace is free! O be saved, He died for thee!" repeatedly echoed throughout the building. At the same time, my mind was still being bombarded by the thoughts to ditch this experience, turn the other way, and run out through the nearest door. But by the mercies of God and the grace he afforded me, through the prayers of many in the congregation that night (of which I later learned), I made it to the front. 53 A miraculous and amazing experience occurred at the altar. My encounter with God there reminded me of the Sunday school story in which Jacob wrestled with God all night and then, "called the place Peniel, saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared" (Gen 32:30 NIV). On reaching the altar (front of the sanctuary), I crumbled to the floor in sheer exhaustion and surrender. I was face-to-face with God. I cried out to him for his mercy, forgiveness, and acceptance of me as his child. I cannot remember what else was going on around me, but I had an overwhelming consciousness of what felt like crossing over an enormous chasm. The following day, Monday, I woke up to a completely new reality. My whole life felt new. This experience conjured up the image of a newborn calf who needs to quickly get acquainted with its new surrounding and learn to walk and function in them. I had a vivid realization of the essence of the discourse between Jesus and Nicodemus: "Very truly I tell you, no one can see the kingdom of God unless they are born again". "How can someone be born when they are old?" Nicodemus asked. "Surely they cannot enter a second time into their mother's womb to be born!" Jesus answered, "Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You must be born again.' The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit." (John 3: 3-8 NIV) On Monday January 3, 1977 I awakened to the realities of my own puzzled mystery of a new Spiritual birth. Though I had prior head knowledge of the Christian life, on this day I felt new. This was a newness that was unfamiliar 54 to me. I was suddenly no longer haunted by fear, loneliness and feelings of being lost. I had a new and assuring consciousness of peace and joy that I had never known before. I had passed from darkness to light, from death to life, from a sin-controlled mind to a Christ-controlled mind. The apostle Paul's words rang out loudly in my mind: "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death" (Rom 8:1-2 NIV). My whole life was changed from this point onward. Although church attendance had been part of my life and weekly routine, my reason and purpose for going to church completely altered. I no longer sat in the back pews. I was no longer a spectator. I was no longer going to church to please my parents. Church was no longer a place in the community where I got religious entertainment or passed the time. That very first Monday night I was at the weekly prayer meeting and I remember being warmly welcomed by a few of the young adult men and invited to sit with them at the front in the men's section of the church. My church embraced a spiritual/cultural practice of physical division among the worshippers. This seating arrangement reflected the church's approach to both a physical delineation of those who are "saved' from those who were "unsaved" and an implied safety in physical space between the sexes of the saints. Hence, there was a separate men's and women's section of the church, and the back pews were reserved for the "unsaved" - the sinners. 55 I was welcomed to take my new place among the "saved" or "born-again" men in the front pew. Thus, my spiritual transformation was also evidenced in the physical space I now occupied in the church building. Immediately, I started to make new connections with the men and women of faith. My family and church family provided me with very strong support as I started this new journey. One church brother was intentional in mentoring me. This gave me a warm sense of belonging and connection. I soon settled into my new identity as a child of God and as part of the community of believers. I was baptized in water within a few months of my conversion and later received the baptism of the Holy Spirit - an experience, in the Pentecostal tradition, deemed akin to what the disciples experienced on the day of Pentecost in Acts 2:4. The words "Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled" (Matt 5:6 KJV) became my watchword during this early stage of my Christian life. I soon became active in the youth group, choir, and music ministries of the Church. While I no longer heard an audible voice, as I did a year earlier, I was living with the tangible inner witness and assurance of the Spirit that I am a child of God. Indeed, through this spiritual transformation, God called me. He revolutionized my life and took me beyond the person I use to be. He gave me a new purpose and meaning for living. A new sense of identity and belonging captivated my heart. The words of the hymn: "All to Jesus I Surrender" (Collins n.d., 155) echoed the new condition and aspirations of my heart. 56 This change began a journey that would see the rhythm of God's transcendent grace in every area of my life. Through His grace, He has taken me beyond myself - to more than I could have been. I became a new a creation. This altered the way I engaged in, and experienced, everything in my life from that point onward. This experience transformed my views and relationship with myself, with God, and with others - it was, indeed, an encounter on the integrative bridge. And it was only as a result of this God-size encounter I could have made it through the next most devastating event of my teenage years. My Mother's Harvesting According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, the word harvest connotates the "season of gathering in". This speaks especially of that which had been sown or planted and has come to maturity and is ready to be picked. Harvest time is usually a happy time for farmers as well as for those eager to savor the delights of the long-anticipated crops. But for me, there was not even an ounce of happiness associated with the preacher's sermon on the theme of harvesting on March 25, 1979. With a strong, passionate and convincing voice, the preacher exclaimed ".. .It is sown in corruption; it is raised in incorruption: It is sown in dishonour; it is raised in glory: it is sown in weakness; it is raised in power: It is sown a natural body; it is raised a spiritual body. There is a natural body, and there is a spiritual body" (1 Cor 15:42-44 KJV). His dogma became more fervent as he read this scripture and illustrated the text. 57 This was no ordinary church service. This preacher's voice was disturbingly piercing through my ears. The setting of this Church service signified the culmination of the second life-altering experience of my teenage years and, in fact, of the rest of my life. I later realized that without my previous life-transforming experience, just over two years earlier, I could not have endured the agonising and painful reality which enveloped me as I sat on that church pew. This was the same church in which I had given my heart to the Lord - within the same vicinity where I first sang All to Jesus I Surrender. But on this day, everything was different. I sat with no desire, no will or ability to surrender to the new reality that was in front of me. I felt helpless. I was not alone sitting on that front pew. I was accompanied by my father, my siblings, and our close relatives. The space between the preacher and where we sat was occupied by a simple wooden coffin in which was nestled the lifeless body of the person with whom I had the closest, warmest, and most important human relationship - my mother. I was perplexed and discombobulated, sitting in that Church that Saturday afternoon. My growing peace and assurance of what it meant to be a child of God was being stretched. It was impossible for me to grasp, much more reconcile, the love of God amidst the intense pain I was feeling. I was still in my infancy in understanding the theological big picture of the Christian faith including its eschatological hope. 58 Nevertheless, in that moment with pain piercing my heart, in a weird way some of the words from the passage the preacher read offered me some inkling of hope and comfort. Like a child in sorrow, being comforted and reassured by a loving parent, my ears strangely softened to the words: If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable. But now is Christ risen from the dead, and become the firstfruits of them that slept. For since by man came death, by man came also the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive. But every man in his own order: Christ the firstfruits; afterward they that are Christ's at his coming (1 Cor 15:19-23 KJV). To be able to hear these words in the midst of my sorrow evidenced an ability beyond what I had been capable of. It was very significant to me that I had the ability to hear the voice of the Spirit of God and to take comfort in his Words, as I faced the reality and pain of my mother's death. If I had had this experience three or four years earlier, I might have sought comfort in something else. Something which would have in fact been less effective, riskier, and potentially destructive. Following my mother's funeral service and burial, I found myself often in deep contemplations. These musings were not only confined to the frightful and uncertain future which was ahead of me - a sixteen-year-old boy in the final year of school, but my thoughts fluttered around to many aspects of my life. A striking recollection held my attention one night as I lay in bed restless. It surrounded a period of my life between age twelve to mid-thirteen when I had taken up company with an older male cousin. 59 As indicated earlier I did not feel that I fit in well with boys my age and so my cousin's invitation to hang out with him was welcoming. I was then just on the verge of transitioning from childhood into puberty and unfamiliar with the confusing hormonal surges. The natural emotional development toward self identity and significance added to my quandary and I was vulnerable. With my cousin and his friend, I found myself caught up in experimenting with alcohol to the point of intoxication. In my innocent brain, this seemed a cool thing, as I received attention and recognition from these older guys. Little did I know the extent to which this exposure had been impacting my thinking. Around that same period of my life, I remember that I had become very fearful about the thought of my mother dying. I do not recall if this fear had been because of my awareness of the fact that she had recently had breast surgery for cancer treatment. I was, however, very fearful of the thought of her dying. Being exposed to the effects of alcohol, my naive mind crafted a plan: If I were to face this disastrous experience, I would numb myself from the unbearable pain with alcohol. As I lay in bed thinking, I had a profound insight. This recollection of my young self, three to four years earlier, jolted me into a keen awareness of the transformational work that God had done in my life. I was, again, struck by the sharp contrast of the person I was then to the twelve-year-old Kern whom I had been when those thoughts passed though my mind. There I was, unravelled by the realization of the fear of losing my mother, which I had had 60 from those many years earlier; yet I was at peace, having no desire to numb myself out nor escape the challenges of facing the uncertain days ahead. I recognized that this ability, inner strength, and assurance was beyond me. It was the work of the power of the Spirit making me more than I had been, holding me in his comfort as I learnt to surrender the realities of my emotional life to him. I did not have much opportunity to dwell on the sad emotions that accompanied this phase of my life. I quickly had to assume the domestic responsibilities of managing the home and looking after the younger siblings who remained at home. This was because my older siblings had already left home, or were in the process of doing so, to attend college or to work in the city. At that time, culturally, fathers and husbands mainly concerned themselves with working and providing for the financial needs of the family, and my father was no exception to this normative function. My transition into this homemaker role, from a pragmatic point of view, was seamless. All the domestic skills I had learned were well established and I was on my own with no one present to look to for support, except on the weekends or other occasions when my older siblings would come home for a visit. My role was to act as the guide to my younger siblings, ensure that they attended school, and manage their day-to-day wellbeing. Despite these added responsibilities, I pushed through and finished my final year of school. 61 The disruptions and pain of my adjustment at home were eased through some very helpful new friendships I developed at school. Beyond the positive relationships I had with my classmates and my two mentor teachers, I had formed supportive and nurturing relationships with two female teachers and a male teacher who started working at our school during my final year. They were all Christians and people with whom I could relate to very well. Unlike my peers, these were individuals who reached out to me and provided me assurance, comfort, and opportunities for safe emotional connection. God had used them at just the right time to help take me beyond my pain and hurt. They were channels of strength for me. The months following my graduation were particularly difficult. I was not only about to start the transition from the teenage phase of my life into an unknown adult phase, I also entered this critical transition amidst a very unsettling home life. The home I had grown up in, treasured, and in which I first experienced love, support, connection, and a safe emotional and practical base had changed. My mother was gone, my maternal grandmother, who lived with us, was taken to another one of her daughter's home, and my older siblings were no longer a constant presence in my daily life. It was time for me to forge new horizons - to find personal relationships, establish direction and to make meaning of my life. This was a daunting undertaking, but I was assured that God would continue to lead me. I took assurance from his word in Joshua 1:8 that, as I continued to allow his Words to shape my life, he would make my way prosperous. I stepped out 62 into my young adult life clinging to his promises. Before I left home my father hired a woman to come in daily and take over the domestic responsibilities of the home. She also looked after the siblings who where still at home. I can now see the transformational outcomes of my experiences caring from younger siblings. God was preparing me for the ministry of caring for others in the various roles he would lead me into, such as a husband, father, psychotherapist, and educator. My Early Adulthood Years My young adult life journey started when I was eighteen years old. I was accepted into an undergraduate program at a technology college but was also successful in a fulltime job at a major technology company. I had to choose the job over college because, as it turned out, I did not have the financial support to start college. This twist in my ideal desired path of life was challenging. Nevertheless, I accepted the job with gratitude. I took assurance from the promises of God and clung onto the words in Psalm 37:3-6 which assured me that as I took delight in him, he would make my path straight. I embraced my job wholeheartedly and started to get settled into the task of making a living. I quickly realized that not only was I on a steep path of adjusting to life as a working adult, but also to the cultural and moral challenges I was thrown into which were overwhelming. The conservative family-oriented values and lifestyle I brought with me from my small rural 63 community, collided sharply with the egocentric and self-absorbed attitudes with which I was welcomed by in the big city. In addition, entering a work environment where I was the youngest and newest member of the staff placed me at the bottom of the pecking order. I was further disadvantaged given that I was the new "country boy", fresh in the city and naive to the cultural nuances of city life. The moral norms of the work environment were foreign to me. Once some of the crew became aware that I was a Christian, I became their target. My Christian values and lifestyle were often mocked and ridiculed. I soon realized that not only was I good sport for these older, worldly, and aggressive guys, but I also became their potential newest recruit into a lifestyle of promiscuity, debauchery, and workplace dishonesty. This was my first experience in having my faith put to the test so directly and in such a public manner. After months of this badgering, I became weary. I was burdened with the feeling of constantly being the outsider, of not fitting in with the guys, and of being their laughingstock. I almost caved. But then I remember reading John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress a few years earlier and quickly realized that like Christian, I had been in the deceptive sway of Mr. Worldly Wiseman (Bunyan 2014). My oppressors saw the troublesome burden I was under (because of their torture) and repeatedly offered me a way out. They pleaded with me to give up my constricting beliefs and values and come with them to the city of pleasure, indulgence, and freedom. 64 This intense temptation drove me to wrestling with God both in prayer and in his Word. Every day I prayed for his strength and grace to stand against temptation. I persisted in my prayers as I held onto the words "Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled" (Matt 5:6 KJV). I gradually gained strength as the Spirit helped me grasp the power of his promise when he says, "You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world" (1 John 4:4 NIV). These words lifted my spirit as I continued to pray earnestly - at home, at work, and on the bus rides to and from work. Soon I was able to share my faith with my tormentors. They would often engage me in various debates and contradictions. I, however, stood my ground and declared that no matter what they thought or did, I was going to maintain my values and relationship with God. They expressed their frustration and puzzlement of my firm faith. But this did not bother me. I accepted that I was going to be seen as being weird and that I would possibly not be included in some of their activities. And that was very okay with me. The grace of God had lifted me beyond my weakness and assured me that he could sustain my faith and also cause me to excel in my job. I engaged in my job responsibilities with determination, commitment, and diligence. I was eager to learn every aspect of the job and took every learning opportunity that was available. Within a few years I was promoted up the ranks. During this period, I also had the opportunity to enrol in a 65 program at the same college I had to pass up on in preference for the job. I was very excited to have the opportunity to redeem some aspects of the college education I had had to forfeit earlier. The desire of my heart was truly being fulfilled. I completed the program and it was a vey enjoyable and rewarding experience to have partially achieved my academic dreams. This unexpected opportunity and achievement marked another trace of the Spirit working through the circumstances of my life. The other significant mark of my young adult life was my marriage to the one and only girl who, among all my close female friends and acquaintances, had truly captivated my heart. We both share the same birth year and got married at age of twenty-four, following about 5 years of courtship. Our marriage joined the lives of two individuals who, over the preceding years had developed an emotionally sound, spiritually rich, respectful, trusting, and fun relationship. The journey which brought us to our wedding day had not been without its share of adjustment pains, frustrations, and doubts. We battled through many hurdles as we figured out how to connect with the best parts of ourselves and each other. Our developing relationship was marked by a lot of time spent in conversation with each other and with God - individually and together. We were not immune from the enticements of the prevailing culture, nevertheless, we had been brought to lives of virtue through our radical encounter with the transforming love and power of God. Our transformational encounters enabled us in striving to "say 'no' to ungodliness and worldly 66 passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives (Titus 2:12 NIV). It was by this grace of God that we began our married life and through which we have continued to experience his guiding hands in every area of our life - spiritually, relationally, and practically. Within two years of our marriage, we discovered that God had a different plan for a major practical area of our life. Life in a New Country We initially had no thought or plans of leaving Jamaica. I was well established in my job and my wife was progressing towards her career as a registered nurse. The construction of our new house was in the process of being completed and life seemed to have been coming together in a predictable and clear-cut manner. While pursuing these paths, we somehow had the urge to explore other horizons. The idea of leaving our home country was, in fact, a very major consideration. Therefore, we spent many days praying and seeking God for clarity, discernment, and wisdom about pursuing this major change. This was an enormous decision to make. It was a decision to give up all that was known and predictable and embark on a journey in which everything was unknown and uncertain. As we prayed for God's direction in taking this gigantic step of moving to life in a country which has its own issues of prejudice and inequality, we took comfort and assurance in the fact that "[t]he Lord is my helper; [therefore,] [we] will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to 67 [us]?'" (Heb. 13:6 NIV). This perspective significantly shaped our attitudes and became the premise from which we oriented our view that anywhere we are, as long as we are in the will of God, we are first-class citizens; for “If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Rom 8:31 NIV). About one year following our initial urges and musings about migrating, we arrived in Toronto. Lois and I experienced God's favour and leading through the entire migration process. His presence was evident through the immigration application process and through the array of support we received from family, friends, and our new church community in Canada. Once we got settled in our first jobs and into a reasonable rented apartment, Lois and I decided to start a family. We had been very excited to get to this stage in our life after being married for over two years. Our first daughter was born in 1990 and our second about 18 month later. It was seven years afterward that God brought us our son. We approached our parenting roles in similar ways as we did our spousal relationship. We spent a lot of time sharing our ideas and thoughts with each other, praying together, reading scripture together and seeking guidance from others - through personal interactions, literature, or from programs. One source of literature and programing, among others, that have provided much help to our lives was that of the Christian ministry Focus on the Family (focusonthefamily.ca and focusonthefamily.com). The daily radio programs, books, magazines, and other audio/visual resources from Focus on the Family ministry became significant companions in our family life as we 68 raised our children and navigated the various transitional phases of both our parenting roles and our marriage relationship. Focus on the Family's ministry was one of the first venues through which I experienced an intentional and explicit approach to living out one's Christian life with intentional considerations of the psychological contexts and contours of one's life. The fact that this ministry did not follow the popular dualistic approach, which separated a person's spiritual life from the rest of their lived contextual realities and needs, but took an integrative stance made it very attractive to me. It solidified my much earlier lessons and values of an integrative approach to living out the Christian life. My wife and I had been so blessed by this ministry that it did not take very long before we started to volunteer with them as community representatives, and helped bring this ministry and its resources to the awareness of other parents and couples both within our local church and in the community. This ministry was a significant influence in clarifying my earlier calling in to the people helping field. Since becoming a family therapist and psychotherapist, I have been one of Focus on the Family's ministry local counsellors for Christian community. Lois and I had very clear goals for ourselves and our family. Based on the cultural, social and, economic imprint of the society we grew up in, we had certain basic goals for our lives. As we engaged in the various tasks and responsibilities of raising our family, our primary focus was to attain financial success and social status for ourselves and our children. In fact, these 69 accomplishments were ubiquitous among ambitious immigrants from our country - they were the markers of success and we, along with our fervent reliance of God, were still trapped in this cultural self-centered and materialistic mindset. Accordingly, we sought every opportunity to achieve these goals. However, in making financial success and social status the overarching pursuits of the psychosocial dimensions of my life, I had inadvertently set aside the tender passion for ministering to peoples' lives in any serious ways. As our life progressed, I however, could not fully ignore the deep desire I had to be involved in supporting the personal, relational, and spiritual wellbeing of others. As a result, while I prioritized achieving my cultural self-centered goals, I appeased my deeper passion through very limited involvement in my church as a lay person in various ministry capacities. And, as indicated earlier, I also volunteered with Focus on the Family ministry. But I was not at peace. Being thus immersed in my cultural priorities to achieve financial security and social status, I was blinded to the realities of what it meant to live a life fully surrendered to God and his redemptive purposes. The notion of discernment of the "priority of God... and the call for genuine human action and responsibility" (Smith 2003, 19) had never entered my consciousness. Notwithstanding, I had always striven to maintain a godly personal character and lifestyle. But I had no discernment that God desired to 70 be first in my earthly life purpose and vocation. This blindness, however, soon came to a dramatic end. A Spirit-Centered Way of Life My blindness to the priorities to which God had been calling me, received a spectacular healing around 1996. This healing came through a transformational encounter with the Spirit at the very core of my contextualized and fabricated self. The threads which were woven into the cultural fabric of our psychological, social, and spiritual selves had created a tapestry of two treasured pillars upon which Lois and I built our life - money and social status. In this transformational encounter, which I can now see clearly occurring on the conceptualized integrative bridge (see Chapter I.), it was as though God had loosened the ends of the threads that were woven into these two pillars and pulled on them. My two security towers were unravelled! And I was thrown into a self-identity crisis. I no longer knew who I was, or supposed to be, or what my role in life ought to be. The initial unraveling of our security structures began when my wife got injured, both on the job and in a car accident, and was not able to perform her regular duties as a registered nurse. This meant the two incomes that we depended on to pay our mortgage and other living expenses were significantly reduced. We were then faced with a deficit cash flow every month. Things eroded very quickly. We reached the point where, some weeks after paying the bills, we had no money left over for food. We had never had 71 such an experience before, and it was frightening. On several occasions our closest friends were the angels whom God used to provide us with some basic food, as they stood with us in our plight. We were now classified as being among the working poor. Needles to say, our security towers - money and social status were now, not only in jeopardy but, completely shattered! Despite our prayers to God for a miraculous restoration of my wife's health or divine financial provision, so that we could resume our income levels, the situation got worse. We tried various home-based businesses with no substantial success. I wrestled with God for answers and solutions to restoring our financial situation and, by extension, our social status. But there was no answer. Because God had proven himself as our provider on many previous occasions, we had enough faith to motivate us to keep on praying and trusting him. In fact, we were experiencing God's favour in restoring Lois' health. Although it was a gradual process, she was surely making progress. God's grace in this area of our life gave us the assurance that "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? (Rom 8:32 NIV). Therefore, amidst our deteriorating financial situation, frustration, and humiliation we earnestly continued to petition God's help. It was not clear to me how to understand the Spirit's movements in our life through these circumstances. Neither one of us knew how to discern the "signs of the time" (Green 1984, 72) into which God was leading us. All we wanted was to get back on track in pursuing the goals 72 that we believed our life was all about. It soon became clear that we had come to a dead end. As we continued to seek God, we received a very unexpected answer - one that we could not initially accept. The first response we received from God was "He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord" (Deut. 8:3 NIV). As the "man of the house", this Word threw me further into an identity crisis. Up to this point in my life, I had no psychological nor spiritual framework within which to hold a sense of personal identity - in the pragmatic realms of my life - other than to achieve money and status. While I loved and trusted God as my saviour and provider, to accept the message that I should stop pursuing "bread alone" left me feeling lost and debased. This would mean that I would no longer be the "successful" man I had determined to be. Through much agony of heart, mind and soul, I finally surrendered to God. My wife and I began the process of cultivating the "climate of discernment ... one of total commitment to the Lord" (Green 1984, 55). Well, we had no other choice. I later discovered that the experience and impact of my wife's accidents, our loss of income and subsequent financial ruin had a very important purpose. It became clear, later on, that "the wheat of ...virtues - trust, humility, gratitude, zeal - could not come to full maturity ... without the weeds of our instinctual failing" (Green 1984, 145). God used this crisis 73 to jolt my wife and I from conceiving of, and pursuing, our lives from foundational values based on selfish ambitions and the lust of the flesh. He brought us to the realization that "'No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money'" (Matt 6:24 NIV). The circumstances of our life - the painful "weeds"- had been God's instrument to bring us to the place where we were free to value "the priority of God ... [and to respond with] ... genuine human action and responsibility" (Smith 2003, 19). Once I allowed God to transform my personal and spiritual identity, I came to the place that I (and my wife) no longer valued the promised benefits of financial success and social status. This was a second conversion experience for us. God had brought us to the place of full surrender of our previous beliefs, values, motivations, and goals for our lives. He had called us to start living our life for a different audience - "the audience of One" (Guinness 1998, 71). In the place of our old philosophy of life, the Spirit impressed on our hearts his new paradigm for our life, individually and as a family: And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you— you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (Matt 6:28-33 NIV). 74 Although we had been Christians for many years, Lois and I were, obviously, unfamiliar with both the concept and pragmatics of living out this God- centric way of life. It took years for me to work through the process of building this new self-identity, and to clarify a structure and process within which to nurture my new heart and life. True-Self Awakening Coming into this new "Spirit-centered" awareness and relationship with God, involved fundamental shifts at the core of my being. This process unearthed my only known self perception and personal identity. The changes over this seven-year period brought me into new realities beyond anything I could have ever imagined. My core conceptualization of who I was in the world had always been viewed through the lens of my personal and family contexts. The awareness and experience of God, as saviour and provider, through Jesus Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit, were also added to who I was at the time of my first conversion. Earlier sections of this autobiography described the various ways my life unfolded from the fundamental beliefs about myself. These beliefs developed to include personal capabilities and achievement which were inspired and influenced by my family values and experiences, and dependency on God's favour. They were nevertheless constricted by an unconscious self-centric conceptualization and lifestyle. These restricted views of myself had been soaked in the tacit values and expectations of my country of origin and those I learnt in Canada. From a 75 very young age, I had always been conscious of myself and measured my potentials, my achievements and even my struggles in comparison to others around me. I had always been mindful of how I appeared to others and of their views and expectations of me. This was very evident in my earlier beliefs that my life purpose was to achieve social status and financial success. For, indeed, that would present me as a successful person in the eyes of others. The notion of success for one moving to a new country of opportunity is a critical issue, not just for the individual but also for his or her family and friends on both sides of the pilgrimage. This was true for me also. Being successful in the eyes of both my contemporary peers and my friends and family back in Jamaica unconsciously motivated everything I did. One of the unspoken (and in fact sometimes voiced) pressure of one leaving his or her home country to "make a better life in a foreign country" is that one must show signs of economic and social progress. Otherwise, one is looked down on by family and friends. It was to fulfill these cultural expectations and avoid the negative stigma from people of my own country of origin that helped propel me into a self-centered and materialistic view of myself and of life. The tacit pressure experienced by a typical black person, living under the stereotypical values, expectations and nuances of the dominant population, also added its impact to how I viewed myself. This subconscious nature of my skewed self-perception had been submerged by my more 76 conscious views of all people being equal and possessing equal potential. As I lived and moved about in Toronto, I was acutely conscious of not giving the appearance to people that I was anything like the negatively stereotyped black man. As a result, the way I viewed myself and organized my personal and family life was greatly influenced by this subtle (and sometimes overt) societal prejudice and pressure. I soon came to realize that these, often unspoken, cultural, and societal expectations had implications beyond my material or social life. Not only had these pressures influenced how I organized my personal and family life, but I came to the realization that they also greatly influenced how I approached my relationship with God. It was a life altering experience when God opened my eyes to the truth that my self-perception, based on my views of how others saw me and what they expected of me, had been a barrier to my full experience of what it meant to be a Christian - a child of God. The revolutionary insight of who I truly was, in Christ, unfolded over time and via an unexpected source. It was in September 1996, as I had been grappling with the disillusionment of my loss of personal and spiritual identity, that I found myself seeking out various means of finding God and finding myself from a new perspective. In my desperate search to make practical sense of how to grasp this new concept of myself, I was drawn to various sources. I was aware that as one who needs a conceptual framework within which to make sense of myself, my connections, and my environment, I needed some structure 77 through which to process and house these fibres of my being. Bible reading, prayer, fellowship in my church community, and other spiritual resources had been essential parts of the process. But I needed a larger conceptual framework within which to hold everything together. My belief that God guides and transforms us through means that resonate with each person's unique spiritual, psychological, and idiosyncratic make-up, as illustrated in the integrative bridge, gave me the freedom to seek out additional resources. Soon, I stumbled upon one such structuring tool. It came in the form of what was then a very popular book: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change, by Steven Covey (Covey 1989). Covey (1989) posits seven principles relating to: personal vision, personal leadership, personal management, interpersonal leadership, empathetic communication, creative cooperation, and balanced self-renewal. The impact and usefulness of these principles on my journey towards finding a new personal and spiritual identity do not assume, nor endorse everything that Covey believes. Neither have I applied these principles in exactly the ways that he presents them. The helpfulness of these principles comes through the structure which they provide. Being a structured thinker, this resource helped me to organize my thoughts into a practical and integrated framework through which I could make functional sense of this new person God called me to be. Seeking to understand, identify, and clarify my personal vision brought me to biblical depths of insight which I had never known before. 78 Covey's first principle of "personal vision" is achieved through the habit of "being proactive". The key step in being proactive is self-awareness. That is, to know who I am (Covey 1989). The question of who I am, was one of the most dreaded question for me at that specific point in my life. For, it had only been a few months earlier that I had lost all awareness of who I was, because God had stripped me of my then known identity. God had only left me the assurance that he initially gave me, he was causing me to hunger so that I could be fed by what only he could provide. (Deut. 8:3). I did not know how to make this switch a practical reality. I could not get my head around the concept of "who I am" in view of God's pronouncement that this new Kern needed to identify himself as one living by his every Word. It felt as if I was facing a brick wall with no idea how to move past it. I had no way to start creating a vision of myself. Being thus dumbfounded, I turned to the Word of God to try and find a way forward. This is a transcript from my notebook entry on September 13, 1996: o Who am I in Christ? o A new creation, far different from the person who was born naturally with the limitations of the fallen Adam (2 Cor 5:14-19). o I have a new heart and Spirit (Ezekiel 36;26; Rom 8:14; Eph 1;4-6; 11-14). o Christ's divine life also now lives in me (John 1:12-13; Luke 16:16- 18). o I now no longer live by the limitations from my human origins (Gal 6:15). o I am no longer a slave to the habits of the sinful nature (Gal 4:7; Rom 6:6). o I am set free from the control/power of the sinful nature Rom 6:18,22. 79 o Our knowledge of the truth, to what God has called us to, is what sets us free from the bondage of our past (John 8:32). Jesus says if we hold onto his teaching, we'll be His disciples, as His teaching will bring to us the revelation of the truth. Note: FREEDOM IS THE STATE OR CONDITION OF THE INDIVIDUAL I AM FREE FROM THE NEGATIVE CRITICISM AND CONDEMNATION OF OTHERS: Psalm 41:1-13. Rom 8:1-8. As I continued to read God's Word and meditated on what the Spirit was impressing on me, a transformational process started to unfold. Through continued study of God's Word, prayer, and the illuminating power of the Holy Spirit, a new and very different awareness of who I truly am started to emerge. As this new self-awareness, based on the scriptural premise of God's completed redemptive work through Jesus became solidified, I was able to start the process towards defining my personal vision. I understood personal vision as incorporating my self-conceptualization, purpose, and direction for my life. My personal vision was, therefore, formed out of the overwhelming evidence from God's Word of who I am and his Kingdom mission. He assured me that in sending Jesus "Whoever did want him, who believed he was who he claimed to be and would do what he said, He made to be their true selves, their child-of-God selves. These are the God-begotten, not blood- begotten, not flesh-begotten, not sex-begotten" (John 1:12-13 MSG). Herein, I found my new self-identity: I am now not only identified by my family of origin and the human contexts within which I exist. I am also (and more importantly) "...God-begotten, not blood-begotten, not flesh-begotten, not 80 sex-begotten" (John 1:13 MSG). This truth has since revolutionized my vision, mission, goals, vocation, and practices - it has changed the way I live my life and lead my family. Embracing this new self-identity did not mean that I had become delusional. I knew I was still a mortal human being with all the physical, emotional, social, familial, and contextual realities of living in a fallen world. What became profoundly altered was the psychological and spiritual lenses through which I viewed myself and others. My previous lenses focused my core self-image and identity exclusively within the limited parameters of my family of origin; country of origin; educational, financial, and social status; race; racial pigeon-holes and the pressures of oppressive practices - both covert and obvious. My new God-defined integrative self-identity liberated me from all these strongholds. The basis for my being and my functioning was no longer anchored in narratives of comparison with others. I no longer needed to show or prove to my fellow Jamaicans or other immigrant peers that I was successful. Neither was it important, or necessary, for me to prove to the white population that I did not represent the stereotype image and expectations they might have carried of a young black man in Toronto. This new Spirit-breathed revelation of my identity in Christ set me absolutely free from all these previous burdens. Far from being delusional, my new-found freedom to embrace my new identity had its anchor in God's redemptive narrative. He assures us that: 81 "Through the Spirit, Christ offered himself as an unblemished sacrifice, freeing us from all those dead-end efforts to make ourselves respectable, so that we can live all out for God" (Heb. 9:14-15 MSG). Wow!... This made it indelibly clear to me that the only one I needed to focus my eyes on was God - my Father. This revelation altered the fundamental premise from which I ordered my life. My life mission became fixed on discerning and fulfilling God's divine plans and purposes for life - nothing else. Covey's (1989) principles and the practical "habits" that they invite served a key role in helping me operationalize this new self-identity into an integrated Christ centered lifestyle. It was within the realities of this transformational encounter (my second conversion experience) that, in 2001, my wife and I began the process of discerning God's timing and the practical implication of living fully for God. I knew this meant giving up my over 20-year career, where I was in a senior engineering planning role, making a six-figure income, and living comfortably. This was not an easy transition. Yet, I knew I had to do it. Over the preceding 2-3 years, the conflict between my present career and my passion to commit my life to the ministry of helping God's people live a more integrated Christian life, had intensified to a tormenting level. My commute to work each morning on the 401 Highway was frequently accompanied by distressing prayers and weeping as I wrestled with the obvious effects of making this transition. I knew this meant that we had to make some drastic 82 changes to our lifestyle, changes which I knew my wife was not yet prepared for - we were living very comfortably. I soon learnt that God was not leading me to a place he was not also preparing for me to enter. This fact was first evidence on my return home from work one evening in 2002, when my wife declared to me that it was time for me to quit my job and go back to school to be trained to do what God has been calling me to do! I was shocked, perplexed, relieved, excited, and thankful all at the same time. I was, instantly, enveloped by all these emotions because this "announcement" from her, which was not obscured in either a questions or suggestion form, caught me by surprise. Yet, this was a clear answer from God to my many prayers that had been poured out on the highway as I drove to work over several months. Once I regained composure, she told me about her encounter with God that day which resulted in her coming to that decision. Now, we had to figure out how this would happen because, at the time Lois was only working part-time and we needed to maintain stability for our three children's lives. God gave us wisdom and a one-year strategic transition plan. By the summer of the following year, we sold our house, downsized to a property (and mortgage) and moved to a nearby city. In September of 2003, I was sitting in class with my cohort of the M.Div. clinical counselling program at Tyndale University. Three years later, I graduated, was employed as a family therapist in a government-funded agency, and started my private 83 practice working with both Christians and non-Christians. I also began offering both marital and parenting seminars in churches. As I developed in this new vocational field, God's favour led me into various ministry and professional roles. In addition to being a psychotherapist and family therapist, I quickly moved to managerial and clinical supervision roles within the agency setting and also in my private practice. These experiences also prepared me to be invited to help teach and train new Christian family therapists at Tyndale University. Conclusion The transformation which Lois and I experienced in 1996 pivoted us and our family into a very different understanding and way of life than we anticipated or ever dreamed of. My childhood context and experiences became the means through which God showed his love, grace and favour as his Spirit lead me through the winding paths of every stage of my life. God has brought me through a growing relationship with him as he continues to transform me more and more into the image of his Son. 84 CHAPTER III AN INTEGRATED CHRISTIAN SPIRITUAL FORMATION (ICSF) MODEL God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun (Rom 8:29, MSG). This chapter is arranged in several sections. The introduction section provides an overview of my understanding of Christian spiritual formation and its rationale. It then presents a summary of my model of spiritual formation, its key components, and its relationship to the conceptual framework of the integrative bridge discussed in Chapter I. Following this section, I will explain each dimension and component of this model in greater detail. These will include the concept of being formed into the image of Christ and the essential human response to this invitation. I will also further explain the dynamics involved in the concept of being formed from the current fabricated self and the response of surrender that is essential in the process of becoming more like Christ. 85 Introduction It is widely acknowledged that the telos of the Christian faith, and the Christian journey, is transformation into the image of Christ (or Christlikeness), and that this transformational experience takes place both while we are on this earth and also eschatologically (Howard 2018; Jacob 2018; Pettit 2008; Benner; Chandler 2014; Crisp; Porter and Ten Elshof 2019; Kinnaman and Lyons 2009). John H. Coe puts it this way: "The Christian faith teaches that the end of human existence, hence, all tasks, is a cluster of ends having to do with the love of God and neighbor and transformation into the image of Christ" (Coe 2019, 25). Furthermore, this transformational process into Christlikeness also includes a transformation of our inner selves. Richard Foster puts it this way, "the ultimate goal of the Christian life [is] an ever deeper formation of the inner personality so as to reflect the glory and goodness of God; an ever more radiant conformity to the life and faith and desires and habits of Jesus; an utter transformation of our creatureliness into whole and perfect sons and daughters of God" (Foster 1998, 85). In affirming the end goal of the ministry gifts in the church, the Apostle Paul states that they function to help us "reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ [emphasis mine]" (Eph 4:13 NIV). 86 God's redemptive initiatives always interrupt the status quo of the individuals and people groups he calls. Throughout the history of humanity, God works to restore humanity by entering the contextual realities of people's lives and inviting them into a loving and radically transformational relationship with him. Those who accept his invitation, by faith, enter a life- long process of learning how to respond to their loving God, to alter their views of themselves and to alter their relationships with fellow human beings. All aspects of this transformation occur within the unique contexts - political, social, psychological, religious, cultural, racial, ethnic, and so on - of every person (Gonzalez 1985; Sheldrake 2013; Willard 2002). God meets us in our particular situation, place, and stage of life and works to transform us from there. The journey of this transformational relationship with God is traversed through, and mitigated by, the subjective realities and nuances of each person's life and circumstances. In his acknowledgement of the centrality of one's personal experiences in the ways one views, organizes, and engages in every aspect of his or her life, Dallas Willard concludes that: The human spirit is an inescapable, fundamental aspect of every human being; and it takes on whichever character it has from the experiences and the choices that we have lived through or made in our past.. .Our life and how we find the world now and in the future is, almost totally, a simple result of what we have become in the depths of our being—in our spirit, will, or heart. From there we see our world and interpret reality. From there we make our choices, break forth into action, try to change our world. We live from our depths—most of which we do not understand (Willard 2002, 13). 87 This inescapably human phenomenon, therefore, suggests that an authentic, intentional, and genuine process of being transformed into the persons God is molding us to be must acknowledge, validate, and account for the unique contextual realities from which, and through which, the Spirit calls us to "put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator" (Col 3:10 NIV). The historic Christian spiritual formation movement has recently gained widespread attention and validation as an orthodox, theoretical, and pragmatic way through which one can engage in this transformational process. Christian spiritual formation is generally viewed as a way to understand and engage in a process through which followers of Christ participate in intentional and systematic ways of growing to become more like Christ (Howard 2018; Chandler 2014; Pettit 2008; Willard 2002; Crisp, Porter and Ten Elshof 2019). While many forms of Christian spiritual formation have been fruitful, it is clear from my review of Christian spiritual formation literature that many versions of Christian spiritual formation do not adequately account for the critical contextual realities faced by believers in their quest to grow in Christ (Harborne 2012; Gubi 2015; Hoenkamp- Bisschops 2000). For example, Ellen Kogstad-Thompson, director of the C. John Weborg Center for Spiritual Direction at North Park Theological Seminary, describes the precise role of a spiritual director. She affirms: "The ministering person helps the other to address God directly and to listen to what God has 88 to communicate. The focus of this kind of spiritual direction is the relationship itself between God and the person. The person is helped not so much to understand the relationship better, but to engage in it, to enter into dialogue with God" (Kogstad-Thompson 2012, 49). She makes it clear that the spiritual director helps a person take steps in fulfilling the essential, and prescribed, tasks in engaging with God. What she also makes clear is that the spiritual director helps one to engage in this relationship with God in isolation of an understanding of the contextual and idiosyncratic factors which impacts the experience and meaning of one's relationship with God. This dualistic approach does not consider the inherent psychological, social, cultural, relational, religious, and other unique realities from which one engages in this relationship with God. My aim in this chapter is to bring the inherent multidimensional nature of Christian spiritual formation into an integrative theoretical and pragmatic framework. I will articulate a definition and model of Christian spiritual formation which accounts for two distinct and critical dimensions in the process of becoming more like Christ. The first dimension is the ultimate end of God's redemptive work in fallen humanity: to "be conformed to the image of his son" (Rom 8:29 NIV). The second dimension of formation takes account of the current fabricated self through which one hears and responds to the loving call of the Spirit of God, and from which he or she embarks on this journey in becoming like Christ. This dimension acknowledges the general and idiosyncratic ways in which each person has been impacted by sin. 89 Unlike the dualistic approach to spiritual formation, as exemplified by (Kogstad-Thompson 2012), my view of Christian spiritual formation is founded on the integrative conceptual framework presented by the integrative bridge discussed in Chapter I. For the purpose of this ICSF model, I define Christian spiritual formation as: a deliberate integrative process by which the Holy Spirit draws a person into a transformational encounter with a) the revealed truth of God's redemptive grace and power and b) the spiritual and psychological truths of a person's contextualized self and their relationship with self, God, and others. At the intersection of this encounter, a person has the opportunity to accept, by faith, God's healing, liberation, and hope, and to start the process towards conformity to the image of Christ through the power of the Spirit. Furthermore, the Spirit uses various means and agents to accomplish the next appropriate task of formation over a person's lifetime. This definition expands on the major elements found in other popular definitions of Christian spiritual formation (Pettit 2008; Chandler 2014; Howard 2018; Benner 2011; Chandler 2016). For example, Howard (2018) delineates several elements of spiritual formation which are essential in the formational process. These include the aim, means, agent, tasks, and context. Through these processes he asserts that We place our individual and corporate selves within the sphere of influence of the sovereign Christian God, the Christian Spirit, the Christian Story, the Christian community, and the Christian faith. In so doing, we are changed. We are changed in spirit, in the core of our personality. Our relationship with God and many other areas of our life are rearranged and formed into something new. Christian formation is the making of a new people, a new life, a new 90 embodiment of the life of Christ in this world (E. B. Howard 2018, 15). In addition, my definition and model of Christian spiritual formation reflect the theological and anthropological tenets espoused by Ray S. Anderson and Eugene F. Klug. They both provide a theological framework for spiritual formation through the perspective of the nature of humanity, the impact of the fall, and the redemptive work of God in Christ. Both authors agree that it is into the very realities of our lived human brokenness that God comes through the power of the Holy Spirit and transforms the believer into the image of Christ (Anderson 1982; Klug 1984). My integrative model of Christian spiritual formation is also influenced by Anderson's (1982) view of what it means that human beings were created in the image of God. He writes: Those who deny that the imago includes both body and soul as the correspondence of the humanum to God's own being, will tend to think of salvation as a purely "spiritual" experience, not really affecting one's bodily existence in the world. This is reflected in terminology such as "soul-winning" or "saving souls" as against healing or recovering persons in a wholistic sense. Furthermore, if one does not see the imago as including bodily existence in the world, one will tend to view redemption as being "saved out of the world", rather than including the reconciliation of the human person to the world and to each other in the world, and of the world to God (Anderson 1982, 72, emphasis in original). It is on the shoulders of these theological and spiritual formation giants, that I humbly stand as I articulate my model of Christian spiritual formation. This model, which is situated on the deck of my previously articulated integrative bridge, consists of two primary dimensions discussed earlier: a) Being Formed into the Image of Christ" and b) "Being Formed 91 from the current fabricated self". Both of these critical dimensions of formation must be accomplished in three areas: character, mission - self determined life objective or purpose - and relationships. The transformational process involved in this second dimension includes three dynamic core functions. These are the aim, domain, and the methods through which the Spirit works to effect transformation of the current fabricated self into the image of God's son. The method of transformation integrates key tenets and practices from historic Christian spiritual traditions with evidence-based psychotherapeutic approaches. Furthermore, I will put these two formational dimensions together into a dynamic and functional map which I call an Integrated Christian Spiritual Formation (ICSF) Model. To complete this model, these two dimensions, "Being formed into the image of Christ" and "Being formed from the current fabricated self", are connected by two essential human responses to the redemptive invitation of the Spirit. For an explicit formational process to begin, a person must first respond to the divine revelation of God's offer of liberation from sin, healing from brokenness, and hope through Jesus Christ. The Apostle John expresses the necessity for this initial response: "He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God" (John 1:11-13 NIV). Thus, one must first respond with acceptance by faith to God's redemptive invitation. 92 This explicit initiation of the transformational process does not suggest that God is not at work forming the lives of non-believers. However, this model of Christian spiritual formation in based on an individual's willful and deliberate involvement in the transformational process. The second transformational response is also crucial. As the Spirit works to effect changes in, and of, the currently fabricated self towards increasing Christlikeness, the man or woman must yield to the transformational process and surrender to the redeeming power of the Spirit as he shapes and molds us into the image of Christ. Figure 5. provides an overview of this model, situated on the integrative bridge. Figure 5 Model of Christian Spiritual Formation and Integrative Bridge [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Figure 5 details. ] This approach spells out the biblical tasks and domain of human transformation and lays out practical integrative methodologies of historically sound Christian spiritual practices and evidence-based psychotherapeutic 93 practices for achieving an integrated Christian spiritual formation. Here also, the reader is presented with how this integrated method facilitates an authentic whole-person process of formation which is centered around the dynamic presence, power and work of the Spirit in this divine mystery of human transformation into Christlikeness (Col 3:1-10). My hope is that the reader will be challenged, enlightened and equipped to respond to the Holy Spirit as he beckons and empowers him and her to engage the full contextualized self in this transformational process of becoming more like Christ in character, life's mission, and relationship with self, with God and with others. My desire is that this model will provide an integrative and authentic process of Christian spiritual formation that is based on sound theological understandings, dynamic and robust application of psychotherapeutic principles and methods, and an engaging whole-person transformational experience. I pray that this approach can be employed, in part or in whole, by those called and appropriately qualified within their respective spiritual giftedness, ministry and profession (spiritual directors, psychotherapist, pastors, etc.) as well as persons seeking to grow in the redemptive work of God in the every-day nitty-gritty of their lives. I pray this ".. .so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ" (Eph 4:12-13 NIV). 94 Being Formed into the image of Christ The New Testament doctrine of human transformation into the image of Christ, as the telos of the Christian faith (Rom 8:29, 2 Cor 3:18, Col 3:10) is premised on a biblical theology of the history and nature of personhood and of God's redemptive work in Christ (Anderson 1982; Crisp; Porter and Ten Elshof 2019; Schwarz 2013; Jacob 2018). Consequently, in order to develop a wholesome understanding of what it means to be formed into the image of Christ, we must first orient our understanding to an integrative biblical view of the nature and personhood of humankind. It is critical that this understanding of the human person is grounded in an orthodox theological anthropology which captures the whole person - including humans' psychological and spiritual dimensions. In normalizing the pre-Enlightenment Christian understanding of the human person, Hindmarsh asserts: "in order for developmental psychology to be deeply Christian at its foundations and for spiritual formation to be deeply human, there must be a vivid appreciation of the end for which humans were created. From this perspective of final causes, developmental psychology is spiritualized and spiritual formation is humanized" (Hindmarsh 2019, 59). And to learn this final cause - the purpose for which mankind was created - we must go to the beginning. Theological Perspectives of the Image of God Then God said, "Let Us (Father, Son, Holy Spirit) make man [sic] in Our image, according to Our likeness [not physical, but a spiritual personality and moral likeness]; and let them have complete authority 95 over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, the cattle, and over the entire earth, and over everything that creeps and crawls on the earth." So God created man [sic] in His own image, in the image and likeness of God He created him; male and female He created them (Gen 1:26- 27 AMP). This text, the foundational source of our understanding of the nature and purpose of humankind, has been interpreted in many ways and towards various conclusions (Jacob 2018; Anderson 1982; Klug 1984; Schwarz 2013; Middleton 2005). While there have been many fruitful outcomes from the study of this Genesis text, the problem is that all of these ideas tend to reduce the image of God to one particular part or aspect of our humanness; thus, they miss a key point: we human beings are not made in a piecemeal way and put together, like the many pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Rather, in our humanness, we are constructed holistically with a wholeness and completeness that does not allow us to be divided into this part or that part. We are human beings in our entirety... are created in the image of God (Estep and Kim 2010, 19). To fully understand the holistic nature of the human being as created in the image of God, we must grasp a theological anthropology such as "[t]he older, more classic anthropology of the church [which] was considered theological anthropology because of its presupposition that the human person is created and sustained by the Word and grace of God (Anderson 1982, 8). This understanding of the nature and dynamics of human beings "were undermined in the post-Enlightenment period of modern thoughts and scientific research" (Anderson 1982, 8). This ICSF model, therefore, calls for a return to a pre-Enlightenment theological anthropology that reinstitutes the basic presuppositional stance and worldview that affirm the full range of 96 human persons' contextual realities and experiences in the process of God's redemptive movements towards conformity to the image of Christ. In recapturing this essential differentiating nature of human beings to the other animal forms, I agree with Hans Schwarz that "[o]nly human beings develop something like a philosophy by which they ponder existential issues, such as the difference between being and non-being, the existence of a living soul, and the beginning and the end of the world" (Schwarz 2013, 1). Genesis 1:26-27 makes it clear that being made in the image of God, correlates with specific God-like characteristics, mission (or purpose) and relationships (Middleton 2005). While the book of Genesis gives us an outline of some of the key dimensions of what it means to be created in the image of God, the fullness of his image in humanity is, however, only clearly seen when we examine the person, life and ministry of Jesus Christ, the second Adam (1 Cor 15:45-47; Rom 5:14,17). Ray Anderson asserts this point succinctly: It is then to the humanity of Jesus Christ, the one crucified and judged for all humanity, who bore in his own humanity the radical judgement of God, that we turn as the starting point for theological anthropology. It is in the crucified form of humanity as seem in Jesus Christ that we discover the original form of our humanity. In him the radical form of the original is present; he reveals the true form of humanity not as one who in his innocence kept a distance from our humanity but as one who took on himself our own humanity (Anderson 1982, 16). It is upon the premise of this biblical theological anthropology that we can see what the fullness of the image of God in Adam and Eve would have 97 looked like, had it not been corrupted by the entry of sin. Jesus, therefore, reveals to us the true meaning of being created in the image of God. Furthermore, because sin has robbed humanity of the ability to come to an understanding of who we truly are on our own terms, it is only through the redemptive work of God through Jesus Christ that we are able to know and experience what God intended us to be like. (Jacob 2018; Anderson 1982; Crisp, Porter, and Ten Elshof 2019) Anderson (1982) identifies three prerequisites for coming to an authentic awareness of our true selves in Christ. He holds that it requires: a) repentance and faith, b) acceptance that it is only in Jesus that one can find the interconnectedness between the Word of God, human creatureliness and sin as the source of disorder and destruction and c) beginning with Jesus' crucifixion in order to "find the true order of humanity as disclosed through the resurrection of Jesus from the dead" (Anderson 1982, 18). As we have established before, the telos of the Christian faith as asserted by the Apostle Paul "to be conformed to the image of his Son" (Rom 8:29a) is a process through which we also come to an awareness of what it meant to be formed in the image of God (Gen 1:26-27). In taking a non- exhaustive approach, I will briefly examine three aspects of the person of Jesus Christ as the focus of what it means to be made in the image of God and simultaneously what it means for Christians to be conformed to the image of his son (Rom 8:29) - the goal of Christian spiritual formation. I will explore Jesus' life in the areas of his character, his mission, and his relationships. 98 Being conformed into the character of Jesus is at the heart of Christian transformation. The term character can be described as "that internal, overall structure of the self that is revealed by our long-run patterns of behavior and from which our actions more or less automatically arise" (Willard 2002, 142). We see the shape of Jesus' character-the overall internal structure of himself- through many aspects of his life, teaching and ministry. I will highlight a few. During his temptation in the wilderness (Matt 4), Jesus repeatedly shows us his reliance on the Word of God as the foundation from which he encountered the devil's enticements and through which he took his victorious stance. Matthew chapter five goes on to record the fundamental characteristic principles of the redeemed human self which Jesus lived and taught (Matt 5). The Beatitudes reveals the comprehensive structure of the character of Jesus. These include being "poor in spirit" (v3), "meek" (v5), "hungry and thirsty for righteousness" (v6), "merciful" (v7” and so forth. Here, Jesus delineates the internal structure of the self - the character - of everyone who is being transformed into his image. Jesus gives us an example of the central mission of redeemed humanity through demonstrating that the priority of his life was to do the will of his Father. He first declared this at the age of twelve, when his parents found him in the temple. He asked them "Why were you looking for me? Didn't you know that I had to be here, dealing with the things of my Father? (Luke 2:49 NIV). Jesus continuously emphasized the centrality of God's will as the primary mission for redeemed humanity. He warns “Not everyone who 99 says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven (Matt 7:21 NIV). Again, he says, "For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother" (Matt 12:50 NIV). Furthermore, when his disciples were encouraging him to eat, he said "My food....is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work" (John 3:34). When compared to what motivates us as fallen human beings (the lust of the eye, the lust of the flesh, and the pride of life - 1 John 2:16), Jesus calls us to be formed into this image in making the will of God our priority. Jesus also illustrates to us what it means to be made in the image of God in relationships. He shows us the God-image nature of relationship to have with ourselves, with God, and with others. Self identity and intrapsychic relationships are central to how humans relate to God and others. (Thompson 2010; Fowler 1981; Anderson 1982; Julian 1992; Sperry 2003; West 2004; Miller 2003). Furthermore, as Anderson puts it, "individuality as a form of human being is a result of differentiation through relation with another. The differentiation which constitutes the determination of humanity as a singular existence is a history of the self in encounter" (Anderson 1982, 46). What this means is that just as Adam became aware of who he was through the declaration of the Word of God (Gen 1), so also did Jesus take his identity as a human being through his encounter with the Word of God: ".. ..and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, "This is my Son, whom I love." (Matt 3:16-17 NIV). In a 100 similar manner, to be conformed into the image of Christ in our self identity and relationships, we must encounter and accept the declaration of God's Word that "to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God" (John 1:12-13 NIV). It is only out of this self identity and relationship that we can relate to God and others as Jesus did. Jesus modeled for us how to relate to God out of sheer obedience and dependency. The Apostle Paul states it vividly: ".. .he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!" (Phil 2:7-8). Furthermore, we see Jesus constantly dependent on God and the Holy Spirit for direction, power, and strength (Matt 4; Mark 1:35; Luke 22:39; John 17:1). In the same way, Jesus invites us who are being formed into his image to develop a relationship with him based on complete obedience to God and reliance on the power of the Holy Spirit (Psa 55:22, Psa 62:7, Isa 41:13, Luke 12:22-28, Phil 4:6, 1 Peter 5:6-7). Paul teaches the Philippian believers how to relate to others as Jesus does. He instructs: "In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus" (Phil 2:5 NIV). He further delineates the attributes of Christ's relationships citing "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to 101 your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others" (Phil 2:3-4). In emphasizing the centrality and value of the "other" in redeemed relationships, Anderson asserts "A good relationship is one which acknowledges the fundamental structure of co-humanity as the core of personhood, and which values the other as constitutive of the self" (Anderson 1982, 170). This is what it means to be conformed to Christ in our relationships with others. Being formed in the image of Christ in character, mission and relationship is only accomplished through the power of the Spirit by those who, by faith accept God redemptive love. Accepting God's Transformational Work in Christ The Holy Spirit illuminates the human mind, heart, and spirit to the transformational message and nature of the kingdom of God. Jesus declares "'I must proclaim the good news of the kingdom of God to the other towns also, because that is why I was sent'" (Luke 4:43 NIV). By faith, one accepts God's offer of liberation from the control of sin, healing from brokenness and hope for a life of victory in Christ. This initial step of acceptance starts the process of transformation. The journey through this transformational process involves one taking intentional steps through which one becomes aware of, and allows the Spirit to transform, the besetting thoughts, emotions, desires, and actions in accordance to God's redemptive work in one's life within the Christian community. It is in, and through, this community setting that one engages in 102 this process of transformation "until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ" (Eph 4:13 NIV). But this transformational journey is also embarked from, and through, the realities of the broken contextualized self from which a person comes to this acceptance of Christ's redemption invitation. This is the current fabricated self - a self that has been woven from the threads of various cultural, family, religious, relational, and personal experiences within a given context. A person can only engage in an authentic and an integrative transformational process through a radical awareness, acknowledgment, and surrender of the character, life mission, and relationships which constitute the current fabricated self. Being Formed from the Current Fabricated Self Tapestry weaving is a specialized and ancient form of weaving, which like all weaving necessitates a warp, a set of parallel yarns under tension. Discontinuous wefts, rather than the more common continuous ones of nearly all industrial and other weaving production, are then added at right angles to the warp. Rather than travelling edge to edge, the shorter wefts mean that the tapestry weaver is free to change colour at will and to work on each small section at a time. Tapestry is thus the most versatile, but possibly also the most challenging, of the myriad types of weaving. As the weaving progresses, the warp is completely concealed, hence the term weft- faced fabric, and so the weft creates the imagery as the panel is slowly woven (Soroka 2015, 101-7). 103 Figure 6 illustrates this concept, which I will use as the backdrop to my discussion of the fabricated self in this section. [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Figure 6 details. ] Core Elements Source: www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warp and weft. Used with permission. Source: SamPle www.weftblown.com/collections/weaving/ products/louet-lisa-frame-loom. Used with permission. Figure 6 Tapestry Fabrication Core Elements and Sample In the introduction sections, I acknowledged the inherent critical impact of one's contextual experiences on one's self-understanding and functioning. To re-emphasize this crucial domain of Christian spiritual formation, Dallas Willard asserts that "Our life and how we find the world now and in the future is, almost totally, a simple result of what we have become in the depths of our being—in our spirit, will, or heart" (Willard 2002, 13). James K. Smith echoes the powerful impact of contextual experiences on the way a person is shaped. He emphasises that [O]ur loves acquire direction and orientation because we are immersed over time in practices and rituals.. .that affectively and viscerally train our desires. So just as our habits themselves are unconscious - operating under the hood - it is also the case that the process of habituation can be unconscious and covert. This is especially true.. .when we fail to realize that these aren't just things we do but things that do something to us (J. K. Smith 2016, 32; emphasis in original). 104 And it is precisely what these things have done to us - what we have become - as a result of the habits we have developed in response to our contextualized experiences that have provided the material which we have woven together to fabricate our current selves. Smith's (2016, 6) aim is to "reject the reductionistic picture we've unwittingly absorbed in the modern era, one that treats us as if we're only and fundamentally thinking things." In recognize the powerful spiritual implications of habits and that "the process of habituation can be unconscious and covert" (Smith 2016, 32; emphasis in original), Smith (2016, 6) underscores my contextualized view of human persons and the need to "[situate] our thinking and knowing in relation to other, more fundamental aspects of the human person." Yet, while Smith (2016, 32) primarily emphasizes the relationship between "habits [which,] themselves are unconscious - operating under the hood" and the formation of our love and desires, this ICSF model goes much deeper. It plunges under the hood to intentionally identify and expose - to the transforming power of the Spirit - every inch of yarn a person has unconsciously or consciously woven together in fabricating the self. The analogy of tapestry weaving illustrates this dynamic concept very well. What we have become - the fabricated self - has been woven so deeply into our subconsciousness over many years, and indeed decades, of particular habits of thoughts, behaviours and affective reactions/responses which, together form the yarn that intertwine themselves (the weft) over our core 105 authentic selves (the warp) to create the current fabricated self. The result is like the tapestry weaving. For as the warp is eventually completely (and invisibly) covered by the weft, so do the various experiences of our lives interweave and cover over our authentic selves, leaving us with a tapestry of self-understanding and functioning that is marred and dysfunctional. Some also refer to the dysfunctional compensatory behaviours of the fabricated self as the false self. That is, the self that develops out of "the need to hide the pain that we suffered in early life and cannot face. We repress it into the unconscious to provide an apparent freedom from the pain or develop compensatory processes to access forms of pleasure that offset the pain we are not yet prepare to face" (Keating 1999, 14). As such, a person is highly invested in both the conscious and subconscious process whereby the current self is fabricated. To make this analogy more concrete, I will explore some definitions and biblical comparisons. The meaning of the noun form of the word "warp", as used in tapestry weaving process, indicates the foundation, or base. Merriam-Webster dictionary also offers other synonyms for warp such as bedrock, cornerstone, underpinning, and so on. It is therefore fitting to draw parallel of this core element of the tapestry weaving process to the core of human beings as created in the image of God. It is clear from the life and teaching of Jesus that God's original intent was that as human beings interact with self, God, and others, the intersecting "wefts"- the events, experiences, responses, behaviours, etc. - would continually weave (or fabricate) a 106 tapestry that is in accordance with the plans and designs of God for human beings. The resulting tapestry would reflect humanity that evidence the image and glory of God on the earth. We see the tapestry that ideally reflects the image of God in the person of Jesus Christ. The Apostle Paul asserts this clearly: "God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him" (Rom 8:29 MSG). Ray S. Anderson explicates this fundamental concept well. In building on the works of respected theological giants, he states: Karl Barth, more than any other theologian of the church, including the reformers, has developed a comprehensive theological anthropology by beginning with the humanity of Jesus Christ as both crucified and resurrected...Both Adam and Christ are part of the human story which makes up redemptive history. But even though Adam precedes Christ chronologically, Christ precedes Adam as the true form of humanity, of which Adam...is the image and likeness (Anderson 1982, 18). The transformational purpose for which God sent Christ into the world in human form is therefore clear. Sin introduced distorted and destructive "wefts" of all sorts which weaves its way through the human core (warp) and completely covers the true self. Thomas Keating puts it succinctly: "All of human history is under the influence of the false-self system that easily moves from our hearts into our families, communities, and nations and then afflicts the whole human race" (Keating 1999, 23). This is 107 the state of the human self whom the redemptive power of the Spirit of God invites to become transformed back into the image of his Son Jesus - the true measure of what it means to be a wholesome human being. The apostle John puts it this way: "The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil's work" (1 John 3:8). The works of the devil are manifested in different levels in our human experiences. At one level is the generic manifestation of sin and sinfulness in the world. The apostle John asserts: "For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world" (1 John 2:16). Furthermore, as we have already discussed, each person is woven by the particular "yarns" of his and her unique contextual experiences. Not every strain of "yarn" woven into us are all evil or reflect sinfulness. I believe there remain in every person aspects of the image of God. Yet, among these good qualities, the effects of sin (whether of the individual or others) on humanity have introduced other materials that we have woven in such a way as to produce a distinctive tapestry of the current fabricated self. These "yarns" may have been introduced from experiences related to culture, family, abuse (physical, emotional, religious, sexual), neglect, trauma, society and so on. Whatever the unique pattern of our current fabricated self-tapestry, "God invites us to take responsibility for being human and to open ourselves to the unconscious damage that is influencing our decisions and relationships" (Keating 1999, 24). This ICSF model focuses on human transformation from 108 the current fabricated self in the same three areas through which Jesus Christ demonstrated his true humanity: character, life's mission, and relationships. There are many case examples from the Bible and other Christian/psychological literature that discuss the impact of one's contextual experience on the unique issues and challenges one faces in the journey of being transformed into the image of Christ (Willard 2002; Chandler 2014; Mignon, Larson, and Holmes 2002; Fowler 1981). In addition, my personal and professional experiences have given me remarkable transformational encounters with the realities and dynamics of this multilayered process of growing in Christlikeness from the current fabricated self. As a psychotherapist for over thirteen years, I have journeyed with many Christian individuals, couples and families as they (often painstakingly) took steps to unravel the individual pieces of "yarn" which had become the maladapted character traits, life's mission/purpose, and relationship patterns through which they had lived up to that point. These persons usually come to seek help as a result of discrete events. Yet, at the root of their presenting issues is their struggle to experience a redeemed life in Christ that permeates and transforms the whole person from within their multilayered contextually interwoven current fabricated self. Although they are not aware of the interconnectedness and interrelatedness of their spiritual development and the impact of their past contextual experiences, as therapy progresses, many come to see these connections and are able to integrate these dimensions in their spiritual formational journey. 109 One such example was the case of Lynn - a pseudonym. Lynn is a 40- year old married Christian woman. She had been married to Jim for 10 years. Although Jim sincerely wanted children, Lynn decided she did not. This was a significant source of ongoing conflict for the couple. As a result of this conflict, combined with Lynn's cyber sex addictive behaviours, their marriage was in distress for many years and they had drifted apart emotionally, sexually, and spiritually. As committed Christians and active members of their local church, they did not believe divorce was the answer. After many attempts to improve their relationship through spiritual means such as prayer, Bible study, spiritual direction, and confiding in a trusted Christian friend, their situation did not improve. Lynn reported that she and Jim continued to have love for each other and to relate to each other in a respectful and cordial manner. However, she somehow felt very stuck. Lynn said she loved her husband and wanted to be a good Christian woman and wife, but something was holding her back. She stated that despite her spiritual values, convictions, and desire to grow in her spiritual walk with Christ, she found comfort and fulfillment in engaging in online sexual activities. She expressed feelings of guilt and remorse each time after engaging in this activity but despite telling herself she was going to stop, praying for forgiveness, and for God's strength to quit, she found the pull towards this behaviour stronger than she could manage. 110 During the first therapy session, Lynn said she chose to see me because my online profile suggested that I worked with people within their faith background. She said she had been working with a spiritual director to address her lack of spiritual growth and unhappiness but found that she was not able to fully engage in the assigned tasks as she needed to. She reported feeling very stuck and confused. She, therefore, decided to try psychotherapy with a Christian oriented therapist. Working from an integrative, systematic, clinical, and spiritual lens, my assessment of Lynn's situation revealed multifaceted and interconnected dynamics. Understood within this ICSF model, to cope with the traumatic pain of her early life experiences, which included childhood sexual abuse and parental neglect that she never had the strength to face, Lynn developed personal characteristics, a life mission, and relationship patterns that significantly distorted her personal, sexual, relational, and spiritual development (Fowler 1981; Chandler 2014; Becvar and Becvar 1999). Lynn's formation journey from her current fabricated (false) self will be illustrated through the ICSF model's aim, domain, and means methodology. A Practical Integrated Christian Spiritual Formation (ICSF) Process Spiritual formation, I have come to believe, is not about steps or stages on the way to perfection. It's about the movements from the mind to the heart through prayer in its many forms that reunite us with God, each other, and our truest selves (Nouwen 2010, Location 158; emphasis in original) 111 This ICSF integrative process is focused on three critical components of Christian spiritual formation. These components are loosely drawn from the key elements of the spiritual formation approach presented by Evan Howard (Howard 2018). These are the aim, the domain, and means (or method) that are involved in the formation process from the current fabricated self towards becoming more like Christ. By "aim" I am referring to the core transformational focus. The "domain" is the initial entry point of the human person (mind, heart, spirit, soul, body, etc.) to which the means of formation are targeted. Finally, the "means" captures the methods used to facilitate the formational tasks. The "means" are what the agents of formation (Holy Spirit, person being formed, other persons, life situations, etc.) use to accomplish the aims of formation as the Spirit uses, enacts, and fosters changes from the current fabricated self. Some of these key terminologies are delineated in the following sections. The Aim The aim of Christian Spiritual formation must have a clear line of correlation with the working definition of Christian spiritual formation to which one holds. Accordingly, to achieve the aim of this ICSF model, that is, being conformed to the image of Christ, the aims of this integrative transformational process are to "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And... [to] run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith" (Heb 12:1- 2 NIV). Richard Foster points to the depth of the transformational aim by 112 asserting that "the ultimate goal of the Christian life...[is] an ever deeper formation of the inner personality so as to reflect the glory and goodness of God; an ever more radiant conformity to the life and faith and desires and habits of Jesus; an utter transformation of our creatureliness into whole and perfect sons and daughters of God" (Foster 1998, 85). Within this understanding of the aim of Christian spiritual formation, Lynn's aim was the throwing off the unique hindrances and sin which entangled her (Heb 12:1). These produced the tapestry of Lynn's character, which operated out of the abusive experiences of her contextualized self, which sought relief from her pain through avoidance and compensatory behaviours through her online sexual activities. These entanglements also steered and energized her life's mission towards self-protection and avoidance of intimacy. These patterns were reflective in her distant and unfulfilled relationships with God, her husband, and herself. Domain The Apostle Paul makes clear one of the central realms, or domains, of fallen human beings which should be targeted for the work of transformation. He declares "And do not be conformed to this world |any longer with its superficial values and customs], but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by the renewing of your mind [focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you|" (Rom 113 12:2 AMP). Other texts also emphasize the mind as the target domain in the process of Christian growth and transformation. These include admonishments such as: "set your minds on things above, not on earthly things" (Col 3:2 NIV), "to be made new in the attitude of your minds" (Eph 4:23 NIV) and "the mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace" (Rom 8:6 NIV). In emphasizing the mind as central in the process of human transformation, Curt Thompson notes: [T]he mind, when left to its own volition, tends to disconnect. It often conspires to hide the truth (the depth of our emotions, memory, and relational pattern, as well as the reality of a God who loves us beyond belief) from ourselves and others. We then suffer the personal and communal consequence. And what does it mean to have the mind of Christ? I propose that it includes having a fully integrated mind - what the Bible calls 'an undivided heart' - which draws us closer to and makes us more like Jesus. When we pay attention to disparate aspects of our minds that we sometimes (even often) ignore, we become more like him (Thompson 2010, 3). It is at this level of paying attention to the mind - the gateway, so-to-speak to the heart - that this ICSF model focuses on the "mind" as the key domain of entry in this integrative transformational process. Herein, the influences, constitution, and dynamics of the mind are explored in order to identify the particular "yarns" which have been woven into the tapestry of the current fabricated self. Once these "yarns" are identified, a person can take conscious steps in surrendering these specific entanglements to the redeeming power of the Spirit. Genuine transformation can only be achieved when one becomes aware - a mental acknowledgement and acceptance - of the "truth" (i.e. of 114 self, God, and others) that have shaped the mind, captivated the heart, and driven the behaviours. It is then, that the truth can set one free (John 8:32). This is the level of self-awareness that Lynn needed. It is only when she had done the hard work of confronting and acknowledging the truth of the tapestry of the fabricated self out of which she had been operating that she started the journey towards freedom. Part of this work for Lynn was for her to face the impact of her childhood sexual abuse and parental neglect on her perception and understanding of herself, others, and God. This is often difficult and painful work. Yet, it is only when we are able to identify and name the truth of these kinds of lived realities that, like Lynn, we can start the process of unraveling these "yarns" which we have so tightly woven into the fabric of our being. This transformational process can only begin by becoming intentionally mindful of these, otherwise subconscious or unconscious, realities of the self (Siegel 2010; Gladding 2005). Integrated Means A genuine ICSF can only be achieved through practical means which intentionally and systemically integrate the realities of the whole human person, in the context of their lived experiences with self, God, and others. While there is value in making a distinction between the terms "psychology" and "spiritual formation", in order to engage in a truly whole-person process of becoming more like Christ, we must make a paradigm shift. We must move from a dualistic perception of these two terms. Rather, we must see them as dynamic parts of the same whole. As such, psychology is viewed as 115 the understanding of the contextual lived human experiences as one is being spiritually formed (i.e. spiritual formational process) by the Spirit into the image of Christ (Crisp, Porter, and Ten Elshof 2019; Benner 2011) . Through this unified understanding of the terms, psychology/psychotherapy and Christian spiritual formation practices can be appreciated as integrative transformational means on the path towards Christlikeness. From this perspective, I will outline practical integrative methodologies from historic Christian spiritual tradition and evidence-based psychotherapeutic modalities. These form the essential means in accomplishing the aims of Christian spiritual formation through a process targeted at the renewing of the mind, with resulting transformation of character, mission and relationships. Through this process, I will demonstrate an integrative use of spiritual disciplines along with psychotherapeutic interventions. I will use Lynn's case to illustrate how this integrative process helped achieve the aim of disentangling herself from the constraints of sin through which she had fabricated herself within the contexts of her personal, relational and spiritual experiences. Her fabricated self had been woven by the yarns of her actual lived experiences within these contexts which had shaped her character, her life's mission and her relationship with herself, God, her husband, and others. As we are enmeshed in the tapestry of our current fabricated self, the Spirit of God draws us into this radical, contemplative, relational, and experiential knowledge of the healing, liberation, and hope he offers through 116 Jesus Christ. But, to experience this radical transformative knowledge of God we must be engaged in the intentional process of spiritual disciplines - a pursuit of holiness. The term "holiness" in this regard refers to paying attention to the formation of Christlikeness in our lives. I use this term to indicate the intentionality and dedication of a believer in giving attention to becoming formed into the image of Christ thought specific spiritual disciplines (Foster 1998; Sheldrake 2013; Mulholland Jr. 1985). These holiness practices help us in "growing, maturing [and] freely conform[ing] to the will and ways of God. Holiness gives us our truest, fullest humanity. In holiness we become the persons we were created to be" (Foster 1998, 84). In this model, I will utilize the practice of devotional reading of Scripture (or lectio divina) as one half of the integrative methodology of transformation. This spiritual practice provides the means for the person being formed to have an encounter with God through an intentional and systematic means. Thus, increasing their experiential knowledge of God. Lectio Divina The centrality of meditating on Scripture is inescapable through the Bible. In his commentary on Psalm 119, Warren W. Wiersbe notes: "Knowing and obeying God's Words will bring blessings to your life .. .But if God is to bless you, you must sincerely seek the Lord and not just study the Bible. It is not the facts in the head but truth in the heart that makes you grow in the Lord" (Wiersbe 1991, 387). The rational for a proven and established method to assist Christians in nurturing the truth of the Word in our heart is 117 evident. From biblical teaching, and through the history of the church, it is clear that "[t]he Word of God is the action of the presence, the purpose and power of God in the midst of human life" (Mulholland Jr. 1985, 41). But a ubiquitous method for engaging in this indispensable practice of meditating on Scripture has never been achieved among the vast array of Christian spiritual traditions over the centuries. However, despite the different approaches, an agreed upon understanding is that "[m]editation in antiquity was conceived essentially as an effort to digest and assimilate the biblical text through repeated recollection of it" (E. Howard 2012, 58). Lectio divina is one historic method of digesting the Bible which transcends the borders of time and religious traditions: When Benedict of Nursia established his monasteries, they were intended to be schools of conversion, learning and sanctification. Consequently, lectio divina was woven into daily life because he understood the power of prayerful reading and meditation on Scripture to shape a life's direction. Similarly, when Martin Luther chose to give brief advice on how to be a good theologian, he chose an approach to Scripture that bears great similarity to that of Benedict (Wilhoit and Howard 2012, 75-76). Furthermore, there is evidence that the use of lectio divina and similar practices have been present in many forms of Protestant spirituality. Evan Howard observes that: [T]he essential features-and even many of the particular components, of lectio divina-are not only kindred, but common in the evangelical tradition. Indeed, a tracing of evangelical use of Scripture from its Reformation roots through the twentieth century (through Puritans, early Anglicans, Pietists, revivalists, Holiness supporters, Fundamentalists, and so on) suggests that a formative approach to the reading of Scripture bearing great similarity to what we call lectio 118 divina today was a common, if not normal practice (Howard 2012, 57). Thus, lectio divina stands as part of an integrative process whereby Christians of various traditions can systemically "allow the [Scriptural] text to become an instrument of God's grace in [our] lives. [We] will begin to open [ourselves] to the possibility of God's setting the agenda for our life through the text” (Mulholland Jr. 1985, 20). What then, is lectio divina? This intentional and methodical practice of engaging in the reading of the Bible shifts the purpose of reading Scripture from simply to gain information, or to fulfill a superficial desire by dutifully checking off another obligatory spiritual task. Instead, this devotional reading of Scripture invites us to a transformative encounter with God through his Word. To put it succinctly, lectio divina: engages the human dimension with the Word and the Spirit of God. We bring ourselves to the text: eyes, questions, circumstances, heart- all of us. We watch as we read, noticing how the reading process is shaped by the Spirit. We allow the Scripture to soak into us and reprogram our heart, changing the very concerns and ideas that control our beliefs and feelings. Through this process, our ordinary questions, our cultural biases, our personal fears and our controlling operating systems are placed at the disposal of God's Spirit through the text. And through the same process, our mind is renewed and our heart is transformed (Wilhoit and Howard 2012, 581-586). Lectio divina guides the reader through a five-dimensional process of engaging with the Word. These include reading, meditation, prayer, contemplation and action. While each of these dimensions focuses a person on a discrete aspect of engaging with God through the biblical text, each one is not isolated from the other. Each dimension flows together to create an 119 integrated experience of engaging with God through his Word (Wilhoit and Howard 2012). While Wilhoit and Howard (2012) have provided a very clear action oriented five-dimensional perspective of engaging with God's word through lectio divina, I believe another critical dimension must be delineated. This dimension is the central factor in the entire process - the person doing the engaging. I will refer to this dimension as Self-Knowledge/Description. My reference to "self-knowledge and description" as this dimension, does not necessarily need to be based on standard personality assessment instruments such as the MBTI (Quenk 2009) or the enneagram (Rohr and Ebert 2018), although it would be helpful to include these data, if available. This knowledge of self refers to the subjective awareness of self that one brings to this process of engaging with God through his Word. This can be added as a sixth dimension of the lectio divina process. The experience of meeting God in his Word through this sixth dimension, the specific component of which is specified in the Figure 6. below, determines the nature of the experience and its outcome. There are specific considerations which one must bring to this six- dimensional interaction with the Word of God. In reading one comes prepared and aware, reads a small portion of Scripture, reads with a devotional attitude, and assumes a prayerful posture. One reads meditatively by repeatedly reading the given small portion of Scripture within its context. One reads prayerfully, submitting one's self to the power of the Spirit as one 120 utilizes the various forms of biblical prayers (supplication, intercession, worship, thanksgiving, surrender, confession, guidance, lamentation, etc.). Contemplation "is the intuition or awareness of the presence of God; it's being mindful of the presence of God" (Wilhoit and Howard 2012, Location 1090). Because Scripture is multidimensional, it calls the reader to an equally appropriate multidimensional active response. We must therefore ask what action God is calling me to, through his Word? Finally, our knowledge of self must give us clarity about how we view and describe ourselves as we engage with God's Word. Figure 7. provides a summary of this six-dimensional process of lectio divina. While the diagram shows each dimension as discrete entities, in this process, each dimension is interacted with in a dynamic and non-linear fashion. It is clear from the Bible, as well as from the practices of Figure 7 Summary of Lectio Divina (Wilhoit and Howard 2012) [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Figure 7 details. ] 121 the early church, that the power of the Word of God forms the basis for the transformation of humanity (Heb 4:12 NIV). Therefore, it is through God's Word, empowered by his Holy Spirit, that one comes to this radical experiential and transformational knowledge of God. Psychotherapeutic Practices This second half of the integrative methodology pertains to knowledge of self. The knowledge of self is a process of coming to a radical awareness and acceptance of the contours of our minds which often shape the inner motivations of the heart, influences our deep desires, emotional experiences and behaviours (Siegel 2010). This is a process of identifying, acknowledging, and taking ownership of the truth of what constitutes the tapestry of the current fabricated self which shapes one's character, life's mission, and relationships - with self, God, and others. It is only "[t]hen you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" (John 8:31-32). Richard Rohr puts it this way: Self-knowledge is tied in with inner work, which is both demanding and painful. Change occurs amid birth pangs. It takes courage to walk such a path. Many avoid the path of self-knowledge because they are afraid of being swallowed up in their own abysses.. .Because God loves us unconditionally - along with our dark sides - we don't need to dodge ourselves. In the light of this love the pain of self-knowledge can be at the same time the beginning of our healing (Rohr and Ebert 2018, xi). The profession/ministry of psychotherapy has the mandate, framework, tools and ethical structures to facilitate the journey into this transformational self-knowledge, which is both a pre-requisite and a co- 122 requisite in the process of an integrative spiritual formation experience (Gubi 2015; Harborne 2012; Siegel 2010). The college of registered psychotherapist of Ontario defines psychotherapy as a talk-based therapy and is intended to help people improve and maintain their mental health and well-being.. ,|It is] a psychotherapeutic relationship where both [therapist and client] work together to bring about positive change in the client's thinking, feeling, behaviour, and social functioning. Individuals usually seek psychotherapy when they have thoughts, feelings, moods, and behaviours that are adversely affecting their day-to-day lives, relationships and the ability to enjoy life (https://www.crpo.ca/what- is-psychotherapy/). Thus, a Christian oriented psychotherapist is an essential aspect of this integrative methodology of transformation. In this process, the therapist safely and effectively helps a person face and journey through the many painful layers of the tapestry of the current fabricated self. The outcome of this process brings to consciousness specific aspects of the currently fabricated self so that it can be made malleable to the liberating power of the Spirit of God. As an agent of self-knowledge in this ICSF model, the Christian psychotherapist utilizes a systemic approach to psychotherapy. The application of system theory to the understanding and treatment of human functioning and relationships became prevalent around the mid-twentieth century and found its therapeutic home within the then emerging discipline of family therapy. Pioneers in a systematic approach to therapy includes Ludwig von Bertalanffy, Christian Midelfort, Nathan Ackerman, Gregory Bateson, Carl Whitaker, Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy, Murry Bowen, Nathan Epstein and, 123 more recent contributors such as, John Gottman and Sue Johnson (Barker and Chang 2013; Becvar and Becvar 1999; Yarhouse and Sells 2008). A systemic approach essentially unifies the various dynamic elements which constitute the understanding and functioning of one's self within one's context - family, relationships, community, society, and spiritual life. A systems perspective "see[s] each member of a family in relation to other family members, as each affects and is affected by the other person.[T]o understand each person in a family, one must study how each is related to every other family member.[A]ll behaviours must be considered relative to context, as both antecedent and subsequent to the behavior of other family members" (Becvar and Becvar 1999, 6). This ICSF model, therefore, demands that the psychotherapist uses this systemic framework and approaches every person with the assumption that "[e]very aspect of our knowledge of self, of others and of the physical and spiritual world is learned in relationship with and through others as we interact with our environment... [and that] [i]t is through the interaction of individuals with others that the formation of selves, the cognitive, emotional, physical and spiritual development, occurs" (Yarhouse and Sells 2008, 173). In other words, a systemic approach to psychotherapy locates a person, their presenting issues, and the desired outcomes of therapy within the person's lived contextualized realities. A systemic approach to therapy finds its practical fulfillment in, and through, a wide range of family therapies. Family therapy operationalizes the tenets of systemic therapy approach. As such, a family therapist is able to work with individuals, couples, other sub-systems of the family and with the whole family unit. What becomes critical is that "the interpretive system, or story, which guides the therapist's work defines 124 people relatively, rather than substantively. Thus, family therapy is not about who is in the therapy room. Rather, it is about how the therapist thinks about who is in the therapy room" (Becvar and Becvar 1999, 84). It is within the family therapy framework, therefore, as the second half of the integrative means (spiritual and psychotherapeutic practices) that this ICSF model best facilitates transformation of character, mission and relationships from the current fabricated self into the image of Christ. A family therapist can apply a specific, or an integrative therapeutic modality within a systemic approach. I will use a cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) (Rosmarin 2018; Burns 1980) and its further evolved cognitive behavioural family therapy (CBFT) (Yarhouse and Sells 2008; Gurman and Jacobson 2002) as the framework to illustrate the core method of this ICSF model. In order to maintain a robust therapeutic approach which has the flexibility to address a wide range of presenting issues and clinical factors, I have adopted a method of CBT and CBFT based on case conceptualization (Rosmarin 2018; Saadeh, et al. 2018). David Rosmarin clarifies the benefits of this approach stating that "In contradistinction to manualized treatment.. .[case conceptualization] strategy involved conceptualizing individuals patients' presenting problems using CBT principles as a starting point for each intervention" (Rosmarin 2018, 27). A case conceptualization approach is adaptable to working with a person in an integrative manner. That is, "it provides a robust framework for identifying the clinical relevance of S-R [spirituality and religion] to various 125 treatment targets and for targeting clinically relevant facets of S-R [spirituality and religion] in treatments regardless of specific creed, faith, or religious practice" (Rosmarin 2018, 27). To this end, three theoretical foundations of CBT form the basis for the case formulation approach. These are: learning theory, cognitive theory and emotion regulation theory. These will be used to guide the case formulation and identify potential functional links between the multiple layers of the lived experiences and functioning of the contextualized self (Rosmarin 2018). Each of these theories helps us understand the functional dynamics through which one develops corresponding patterns of behaviours; thoughts, perceptions and beliefs; and emotional sensitivities and regulations. Social learning theory posits that certain patterns of behaviours become formed due to either positive or negative reinforcing responses from one's environment. Cognitive theory holds that people's emotions are caused by thoughts which are produced by subliminal beliefs about self, others, and the future. These subconscious beliefs trigger automatic thoughts in response to situation- specific events, which in turn form a person's affective (emotional) responses. Emotion regulation theory gives us a way to make sense of the tactics - adaptive or maladaptive - which one uses to regulate one's emotions, and the means a person employs in achieving the desired emotional state (Rosmarin 2018; Yarhouse and Sells 2008; Burns 1980). In integrating the classic Christian spiritual practice of lectio divina with evidence-based systemic psychotherapeutic practices, this ICSF model 126 creates an integrative methodology through which one can genuinely engage in the transformational journey of putting off the bondage and sin that blocks one's progress in growing into Christlikeness (Heb 12:1). This integrative approach provides and supports a person in renewing the mind so that she and he can "test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will" (Rom 12: 2-3 NIV). We will now journey with Lynn through this integrative transformational process. Lynn's Transformational Journey As Lynn told her story, it became clear that her, otherwise healthy development processes, had been thwarted from the age of six. This was when an adult male friend of her single-parent family had started to sexually molest her. Unbeknownst to Lynn's mother, who trusted and depended on this man, the abuse continually worsened until Lynn was sixteen years old. It stopped when Lynn threatened to disclose this painful abuse, which had been kept a secret for ten years. Understood within a CBFT case formulation framework, from childhood, Lynn had been seduced by her predator through the positive reinforcements he provided through meeting important pragmatic needs of the family. He had been particularly "kind" to her and had become a consistent figure in her and her mother's life as he facilitated some of their important practical and spiritual/religious needs. In order to survive within this confusing and vulnerable context, Lynn developed unhealthy and self-depreciating beliefs about herself and others. These include beliefs that to be cared for meant that she had to suffer the pain 127 of violation and neglect by her caregivers, that she was susceptible to be taken advantage of by others, and that she was powerless. These beliefs, and the confusing and restrictive emotions they fostered, interweaved with messages she internalized from other experiences (both positive and negative) to help in the formation of Lynn's adult character traits, her life's mission, and her relationship patterns - with herself, God, and others. Lynn's primary presenting problem of sexual acting out behaviour is understood as her maladaptive efforts to regulate her emotional pain and work through her unresolved childhood sexual molestation experiences. By age sixteen Lynn started to gain some sense of independence and self- determination. She realized that she had the capability to do something to stop this confusing, painful, and bizarre history of sexual abuse. Her threat to expose this family friend was her way out, though she did not actually tell anyone - until she disclosed it in our therapy session. Lynn's life's mission had been determined before she turned sixteen. She had already been convinced that if there was one thing she must achieve in life, it was that she regain power and control over her sexuality. But because Lynn grew up in a strict religious church context, she needed to protect her public image and therefore would not have entertained the though of becoming promiscuous. Furthermore, her own commitment to her Christian faith would not allow her to overtly continue to be involved in sexual sin, particularly because she has blamed and condemned herself for 128 engaging in sexual activities with her abuser, especially in her preteen and teen years. Within a systemic approach, that is, thinking about Lynn's multifaceted (sexual, relational, and spiritual) presenting issues within the context of her lived experiences, her maladaptive use of cybersex chat rooms is understandable (Mignon; Larson and Holmes 2002; Becvar and Becvar 1999; Yarhouse and Sells 2008). Not only did this behaviour provide her with a familiar secretive environment, it served as a way to regulate her emotions, mitigate her pain, and exercise control over her sexuality - a fulfillment of her current fabricated self life's mission. In this anonymous setting, Lynn re- enacted a drama of her lived familiar themes of sex, power and control. Except now, she was the one in control. She controlled the men she allowed in the room, what roles they played, how she wanted to lead them on and when she wanted to "dump" them. These activities infused her with power, control, and a somatic sense of sexual vindication which she found validating and emotionally relieving. In addition, because her childhood sexual abuse perpetrator was someone she had trusted and looked up to, she developed a very avoidant attachment style (Levine and Heller 2010; Simpson and Rholes 1998; Bartholomew and Horowitz 1991) in all her relationships. This maladapted pattern of relating to others helped to decrease her fearful and vulnerable emotions and was used as her defence against the years of sexual abuse by someone with whom she was supposed to be emotionally close. This avoidant 129 relationship pattern impeded her ability to maintain a comfortable emotional and sexual closeness with Jim. Also, though she loved God and desired a close spiritual relation with him, this emotionally avoidant relationship pattern made her keep God at a safe distance, lest he may demand too much of her, which would feel, again, disempowering. Likewise, this need to feel safe prevented Lynn from having a genuine and authentic relationship with herself. She had lived a life of supressing her true emotions and pain and used various means of achieving a more tolerable emotional state. Through this therapeutic process, Lynn came to a striking realization of the deep-seated truths of herself that she had never consciously acknowledged or owned. This was a painful and difficult journey for Lynn to traverse. With my support and guidance, she, for the first time faced the contextual realities of herself. She systematically took steps to pull on the pieces of the various yarns of her current fabricated self. This profound clarity into the multifaceted impacts of her lived experiences, and how they shaped her, gave Lynn new insights into different possibilities for her future. She is now positioned to explore helpful steps she could take towards healing from her past sexual trauma and reclaiming the image of God in her character, life mission, and relationships. With this crucial knowledge of herself, Lynn became open to pursue a new understanding of a God who, in Christ, offered her healing, liberation and hope. Toward this end, while she continued in the spiritual and religious activities in her Church, she also started to incorporate the spiritual 130 disciplines of lectio divina in her pursuit of a new relationship with God. Through this practice, Lynn started to experience the healing and liberating power of the Word of God as she diligently invited the Spirit to do his transforming work in her. As Lynn continued in therapy, she reported that she no longer hid from herself, God, and her husband through escapist means. With this transformed knowledge of, and relationship with, self, God and others, Lynn became more intentional in putting off the bondages of sexual addiction, avoidant relationships patterns, and unhealthy means of regulating her emotions. Lynn has started on her way to becoming more like Christ in her character, her life mission (or purpose) and her relationships. Yielding Through the Spirit-Led Transformational Process This transformational process, as illustrated through Lynn's case, is not a linear process. One is not instantly and perpetually made perfect in every area of one's life. This is a journey over a lifetime during which the Spirit reveals to us particular aspects of our life that needs to be transformed into the likeness of Christ. Robert Mulholland Jr. affirms that if God were to show us all the areas of our lives that needed to be transformed, human beings would not be able to handle it. It would be too overwhelming for us to face all the sins and shortcomings in our lives all at once. Therefore, our loving God gracefully reveals to us, in increments, limited aspects of our lives that need to be changed over time (Mulholland Jr. 1993). 131 God uses various means to bring to our attention an area which he wants to work on. The Holy Spirit may draw our attention to an area for change through such means as reading the Bible, a sermon, conversation with another person, or a relationship breakdown. Awareness may also come through life circumstances such as sickness, disappointments, job loss, life stage transitions, family problems, and so forth Howard (2018). In Lynn's case, her invitation to this aspect of her transformational journey arose out of her increasing struggle with cybersex addiction, her marriage relationship issues, and her increasing frustration with her stagnated spiritual life. Being formed into the image of Christ, from the current fabricated self, is not completed at the stage of coming to this transformed knowledge of self, God, and others. Everyone must take a final step in order to experience the fullness of Christ in that area of growth. One must take the next step of surrendering to God this transformed knowledge of self, of God, and of others in the specific area of one's life that the Spirit is redeeming. Merriam-Webster dictionary defines surrender as giving up control to someone else. Also, synonyms for the word surrender include such words as submit, yield, hand over, relinquish, turn over, etc. The Apostle James, in acknowledging God's grace and favour to the humble, admonishes us to "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.. .Humble ourselves before the Lord and he will lift you up" (James 4:7,10). In reflecting on place of surrender in Christian formation, Dallas Willard puts it this way: 132 In the progressing towards complete identification of our will with God's there are distinctions to be noted. First there is surrender. When we surrender our will to God we consent to his supremacy in all things. Perhaps we do so grudgingly. We recognize his supremacy intellectually, and we concede to it in practice—though we still may not like it, and parts of us may still resist it. We may not be able to do his will, but we are willing to will it. Still, this is an important move forward. The center of the self, the heart or spirit, is now willing for God to be God (Willard 2002, 150). Taking this step of surrendering the transformed knowledge of, and relationship with, self, God and others is an exercise of one's free will in giving up control of the particular area, or areas, of one's previously fabricated (false) self to the control of the Spirit of God. It is only through the process of surrender that a person gives God full permission to shape his or life into that of the true redeemed humanity - the image of his Son. Summary I have presented an integrated Christian spiritual formation (ICSF) model that is based in biblical theology and scriptural principles, orthodox Christian spiritual practices, and sound evidence-based psychotherapeutic theories, approaches and modalities. This model is framed in a dynamic process of human transformation consisting of four dimensions. First, being formed into the image of Christ and second, being formed from the current fabricated self. These dimensions capture the telos of the Christian faith and, together with the two essential responses of faith and surrender, facilitate a whole-person Christian spiritual transformational experience in a person's character, mission and relationships (with self, God, and others). 133 I acknowledge that this ICSF model presents an approach which may challenge current distinctiveness of established professional/vocational disciplines from both sides of modernity's dualistic divide (religious/spiritual and psychological/psychotherapeutic disciplines). My hope is that, as we continue to grapple with the impacts, implications and nuances of a postmodern and post-Christendom world, everyone who endeavours to be in the service of God's redemptive work would be open to embrace the realities, and the corresponding needs, presented by the multi-layered experiences of those seeking our help to grow into the fullness of Christ. I acknowledge that more sincere conversations, examinations, explorations, and practices of the form of integrative Christian spiritual formation (ICSF) presented in this model are needed. It is toward this end that I have undertaken the task of conducting one such research. The report of this research project is discussed in the next chapter. 134 CHAPTER IV QUALITATIVE RESEARCH CASE STUDY: AFFIRMING AN INTEGRATIVE CHRISTIAN SPIRITUAL FORMATIONAL PRACTICE Introduction This research explored the efficacy of the integrative process involved in being transformed from the current fabricated self. More specifically, this research examined the outcome of implementing an integrative means (use of Christian spiritual and psychotherapeutic practices) through which a person takes steps towards achieving the aims (change in previous hindrances to becoming more Christ-like) of formation by engaging the domain (mind) as detailed in the ICSF model. In a practical sense, the research specifically explored the effect of devotional reading of scripture and knowledge of adult relationship styles on levels of intimacy adults experience in relationship with self, God, and others within a Christian context. The study utilized a group-based curriculum through which twelve adult Christians, all members of a Pentecostal Church in Toronto, were taught the spiritual practice of reading scripture in a devotional manner (lectio 135 divina) and the dynamics, and relational significance, of adult attachment styles (Bartholomew and Horowitz 1991; Collins and Feeney 2000). Nine females and three males comprised the multicultural study group which met for six 90-minute sessions over a six-week period. The research used a curriculum evaluation qualitative case study methodology. Data was collected through the use of two sets of standardized attachment-based questionnaires: the Relationship Questionnaire (RQ) (Bartholomew and Horowitz 1991) and the Attachment to God Inventory (AGI) (Beck and McDonald 2004). Participants completed these instruments at the beginning and end of the six- week sessions. In addition, participants provided narrative reflections of their experiences of engaging in the study. Data analysis indicates that this integrative curriculum produced measurable effects on participants' perceptions, behaviours, and experiences of intimacy in relationship with self, God, and a significant other. The outcomes of this research enhance my understanding of the design, implementation, and usefulness of my integrative model of Christian spiritual formation. Opportunity As I have noted in Chapter 1, the enduring dualism from the dominant modern culture continues to permeate the understanding and approach to living the Christian life in many Western societies. This reality afforded me the opportunity to introduce to this local congregation - which happens to be my own church community - an integrative approach to understanding and maturing in the Christian faith using elements from the ICSF model. 136 Response This qualitative research study offered a six-week integrative learning curriculum through which participants engaged in an experiential and reflective group process. In this process, they explored the degree to which their level of intimacy in relationship with self, God, and others were impacted through systematic devotional reading of scripture, (lectio divina) and increased knowledge of the dynamics of adult relationship styles. In this study, the term "adult relationship style" refers to what is formally known as adult attachment style (Bartholomew and Horowitz 1991; Simpson and Rholes 1998; Rowatt and Kirkpatrick 2002; TenElshof and Furrow 2000). This practical program, which integrated spiritual and psychoeducational (a practice of psychotherapy) elements, was structured as follows: Session 1 (18/Sept/2019) - Orientation and Introduction: Participants were oriented to the study and completed the RQ and AGI questionnaires (See questionnaire in appendix C). They were introduced to the concepts, structure, and process of devotional reading of scripture and lead in a brief practice sample. Figure 8 summarizes this enhanced form of lectio divina. Participants were also introduced to the theory and concepts of a four-category model of adult attachment styles (Bartholomew and Horowitz 1991). Figure 9 below summarizes this model. Session 2 (25/Sept/2019) - Practice of Devotional Reading of Scripture and Lesson on Attachment Styles: 137 Participants engaged in devotional reading of Psalm 139:13-18 and learned through instruction and group reflection how attachment styles work in relationships. Figure 8. Six Dimensions of Devotional Reading of Scripture. [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Figure 8 details. ] Figure 9. Fourfold Attachment Style. (Klohnen & John 1998; Bartholomew & Horowitz 1991) [ Pleae contact repositry@tyndale.ca for Figure 9 details. ] 138 Session 3 (2/Oct/2019) - Practice of Devotional Reading of Scripture and Lesson on Attachment Styles: Participants engaged in devotional reading of Proverbs 14:15 and learned through instruction and group reflection why attachment styles develop the way they do. Session 4 (9/Oct/2019) - Practice of Devotional Reading of Scripture and Lesson on Attachment Styles: Participants engaged in devotional reading of Psalm 139:1-6 and learned through instruction and group reflection where in the life stories of various Bible characters we see examples of the four attachment styles. Session 5 (16Oct/2019) - Practice of Devotional Reading of Scripture and Lesson on Attachment Styles: Participants engaged in devotional reading of Hebrews 11:5-6; 32-40; Heb 12:1-2 and through instruction and individual reflection, learned an increased awareness of the individual's own attachment style, and how this awareness is linked to each person's experience of intimacy in relationship with self, God, and others. Session 6 (23/Oct/2019) - Practice of Devotional Reading of Scripture, Completed Questionnaires and Reflective Group interview: Participants engaged in devotional reading of John 1:9-13, completed the RQ and AGI questionnaires, and discussed their responses to the reflective group interview questions (see questions in Appendix D). 139 This integrative research study curriculum provided an integrative approach and practical process through which participants were able to explore, identify and contemplate the nature and experiences of intimacy in their most important relationships. This approach counters the problematic dichotomous method to Christian development. By integrating orthodox Christian spiritual formation theology and practices with sound psychological/psychotherapeutic theories and practices, this integrative approach enables a person to engage in authentic transformation into Christlikeness through a deliberate steps which do not minimize relevant aspects of the realities of a person lived experiences in the process of putting off the old self and becoming a new creation in Christ (2 Cor 5:17). Supervision, Permission and Access This research was conducted with the permission and support from the leadership of Malvern Christian Assembly (MCA), Scarborough, Ontario and was also in full compliance with the ethical guidelines of the following professional bodies of which I am a member: • College of Registered Psychotherapist of Ontario (CRPO) - document: CRPO Professional Practice & Jurisprudence for Registered Psychotherapists. (https://www.crpo.ca/wp- content/uploads/2017/08/CRPO-Professional-Practice-Jurisprudence- Registered-Psychotherapists.pdf) • American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) - document: Standard V - Research and Publication (https://www.aamft.org/Legal Ethics/Code of Ethics.aspx) 140 • Canadian Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (CAMFT) - document: Section 2: Standards of Ethical Practice (https://camft.ca/Code-of-Ethics). In addition, this project was duly reviewed by Tyndale Research Ethics Board and, on September 6, 2019, received approval for implementation. Because I am also a member of MCA and have, in the past, provided both professional and lay ministry services to potential participants, considerations of the potential impacts of power relationships was a critical aspect of the procedures governing this research recruitment and study process. Throughout the recruitment and study phases of the research, each participant was treated with respect, and their rights and freedom were safeguarded through my strict adherence to the professional code of ethics relating to confidentiality, dual relationships, and privacy of participants involved in the research study. For further details of the recruitment procedure, please refer to information letter and consent form in Appendix A and B. Context Participants represented a purposeful sample from MCA, (Griffith 2013) a multiracial and multiethnic congregation of over one thousand people. All participants professed a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. They each desired to experience the ongoing transformational work of God through the power of the Holy Spirit in their relationship with self, God, and others. Participants were all able to read, understand, and write in the English 141 language at a grade eight level and above. The method used to obtain a purposeful sample can be reviewed in Appendix E. Additionally, participants' availability and ease of involvement in the study were evaluated and determined before inviting them to participate in the study. An individual 1/2 hour recruitment interview was conducted with each person, by phone in September 2019, and their ability and availability to attend the six 1.5-hour weekly group sessions (at MCA) on a Wednesday was ascertained. The group session ran from September 18, 2019 - October 23, 2019 from 7:00pm - 8:30pm. This research was conducted within a framework which integrates a minimum of one, explicitly, Christian spiritual practice and one psychological/ psychotherapeutic practice. In this context, the qualitative case study research design and implementation used a curriculum that was practical, experiential, and psychoeducational in nature. As the researcher, I therefore functioned in the capacity of program facilitator. As such, I managed the curriculum delivery process and content and supported participants in their learning and reflective exercises. MCA provided a very comfortable facility for this research. The room was spacious and equipped with appropriate furniture, lighting and audio- visual equipment and supplies. I provided a light snack for participants each week for nourishment and to help with facilitating a warm, relaxing, and communal atmosphere. Light and friendly conversations preceded the start of each weekly session. The sessions usually end with a prayer. 142 Methodology A qualitative research case study methodology was used for this research project (Merriam and Tisdell 2015, Saldana 2011, Patton 2002, Sensing 2011, Creswell and Poth 2018) This methodology was chosen because it facilitates a systematic exploration of the key component of my integrative model of Christian spiritual formation which combines elements of Christian spiritual formation and psychotherapy in the process of human transformation. More specifically, this methodology provided a suitable approach to exploring the efficacy of my integrative curriculum-the case study- and consisted of the combined use of one spiritual practice - devotional reading of scripture (lectio divina) (Wilhoit and Howard 2012) with one psychotherapeutic practice - basic psychoeducation on attachment styles and how they impact experiences of intimacy in relationships (Gold 2011; Levy and Johnson 2018; Johnson and Sanderfer 2016; Simpson and Rholes 1998). Furthermore, a qualitative case study methodology was fitting because it lent itself to the research design, curriculum delivery, and methods that capture the three transformational principles on which this study was based. The first of this principle is that "new knowledge should lead people into a dynamic of emancipation" (Coghlan 2004, 99). This means that, as participants acquired new knowledge of God, through devotional reading of his Word, and new knowledge about their relationship style, through their increased knowledge of attachment styles, movements towards freedom 143 (emancipation) from previous hindrances to their spiritual development would be initiated. The second principle is that, despite the formation of initially unhealthy childhood attachment patterns, "[s]elf-compassion and self-acceptance...can also emerge from... 'earned secure attachment' [experiences]" (Siegel 2010, 188). Toward this end, every effort was made to create a group environment and dynamic which facilitated meaningful levels of secure attachment experiences as participants engaged with God through his Word, with one another, and with the researcher/facilitator of the program. The third principle is closely aligned with the second. This principle holds that a group environment that fosters relationships which are caring, compassionate and trusting, can have a positive influence on everyone in the group (Levy and Johnson 2018; Gold 2011; Johnson and Sanderfer 2016; Reed; Osmer and Smucker 2015). These three principles helped me to be focused and intentional in my facilitation of this qualitative research case study project. Methods Three methods of data collection were used in this research study. This multi-method data collection approach is consistent with standard expectations for a qualitative research case study methodology (Merriam and Tisdell 2015; Patton 2002; Creswell and Poth 2018). These data collection methods consisted of two standardized questionnaires, which were administered before and after the six-week program, and a set of four open- 144 ended group reflective interview questions that were administered at the end of the sixth session. The two questionnaires are the Relationship Questionnaire (RQ) (Bartholomew and Horowitz 1991) and the Attachment to God Inventory (AGI) (Beck and McDonald 2004). Details of these instruments can be reviewed in Appendix C. The RQ (Bartholomew and Horowitz 1991) is a widely used tool which measures adult attachment styles utilizing four attachment prototypes (Secure, Preoccupied, Fearful and Dismissing). It also rates the degree to which participants identify with each attachment style through a 7-point Likert scale. The AGI (Beck and McDonald 2004) is a 28- point questionnaire which assesses the attachment style in a person's relationship with God. Each item is rated through a 7-point Likert scale and the inventory contains two subscales which assess the attachment dimensions of Anxiety (concerning potential abandonment and lack of intrinsic lovability) and Avoidance (avoidance of intimacy and compulsive self- reliance) relating specifically to God (Beck and McDonald 2004). The data analysis method used for these two instruments utilized the scoring method prescribed by the developers of each respective instrument. Comparative analysis of the RQ and AGI data from the pre and post study sessions was done to examine what levels of change might have occurred over the six weeks of the participants' engagement in the study program. In addition, data from the four open-ended group reflective interview questions, on the final day of the study, was provided through participants 145 narrative responses to the questions (see Appendix D for details of these questions). During the group interview process, all four questions were projected on the screen at the front of the room where everyone could see them. Each person took turn responding to each of the question, in whatever order they chose. The researcher audio-recorded this narrative data and later transcribed into text. This data was then coded and analyzed using the 6-step analytical process for qualitative research data articulated by Merriam and Tisdell (2015). Using this process the data analysis was undertaken by a) giving careful thought to the purpose of this research study, b) considering the epistemological framework of the study - the nature of information and knowledge that would achieve the purpose of this study, c) developing coding categories that would answer the question of the research and are consistent with the study's theoretical framework, d) engage in a reflective and recursive process of reviewing and refining the emerging insights and themes from the intial coded data and comparing them with the research question, e) review and question the consistency of the parsed data with contextual message of the data as a whole, and f) combine the previous, more open codes into fewer, more comprehensive categories as to appropriately reflect the research question (Merriam and Tisdell 2015, Saldana 2011). The results of this qualitative data analysis and that of the descriptive data from the RQ and AGI were cross referenced for each individual participant. The results of this comprehensive analysis, which was facilitated by my use of Dedoose (dedoose.com), provided a range of answers to the 146 core investigative question of this research project, namely: what is the effect of devotional reading of scripture and knowledge of adult relationship styles on intimacy in relationship with self, God, and others? Table 2 outlines the core activities within the two phases of this research project and their timelines. Phase and Timetable The timetable for the research project's design, plan, implementation and reporting is shown in Table 2 below. Table 2. Phase and Timetable [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Table 2 details. ] 147 Ethics in Ministry-Based Research The ethical obligations in doing this research is of paramount importance. Sensing (211) acknowledges several key ethical attentions that must be given by the researcher to people who participate in the research project. Under the principle, "[f]irst, do no harm" (Sensing 2011, 33), Sensing implores the researcher to: "1) Consider Informants First, 2) Safeguard Informants' Rights, Interests, and Sensitivities, 3) Communicate Research Objectives, 4) Protect the Privacy of Informants, 5) Don't Exploit Informants and 6) Make Reports Available to Informants" (Sensing 2011, 33). This research was conducted within these ethical parameters, as I ensured that every aspect of this project demonstrated respect for the participants, concern for their welfare, and just treatment (Canadian Institutes of Health Research 2014). The inherent power differential between myself, as researcher, and participants was also acknowledged and addressed. This was accomplished by providing project information in clear and easy to read/understand manner and assuring participants of their right to ask questions and clarify every detail of their participation in the project before giving consent. While taking these essential steps, I also communicated the measures to be taken to ensure the confidentiality of personal information before asking for a participant's consent. Similarly, I took steps to manage my dual role as researcher and occasional ministry leader at MCA. I achieved this by first acknowledging this dual role, then clarifying the boundaries between both roles and clearly 148 assuring participants of my ethical obligations to respect the inherent confidentiality and privacy expected in the different roles. I also gave participants the opportunity to discuss and acknowledge any concerns they might have in participating. Participants' right to free and ongoing consent was clearly communicated. While I do not hold a church staff ministry position at MCA, hence have no formal authority within this context, some people may experience me as an authority figure due to my professional credentials and roles in the Christian community and at MCA. Some of these roles include being a Christian psychotherapist, seminary professor, occasional seminar speaker, workshop facilitator, and past chair of MCA couple's ministry committee. With my awareness of the potential impacts of these roles on participants, I took extra care to demonstrate the priority of participants' ethical rights, freedom, and autonomy. My research project did not fit within my usual ministry involvement at MCA. In order to conduct this project, I requested and received permission from the lead pastor with whom I worked out the procedural and logistical details of conducting this project. From an ethical point of view, it was important that this project's implementation at MCA respected the ministry context and showed complementary benefits to the overall spiritual vision and direction of the leadership and congregation. This approach also demonstrated the fact that the benefits of the research would potentially outweigh any perceived potential risks. In the initial meeting with the lead 149 pastor, where I introduced the research project and sought permission, I also presented my model of spiritual formation which formed the basis for this research. The pastor was impressed with the model, resonated with its whole- person spiritual formational approach, and expressed appreciation for including MCA in this project implementation. Participants' expectations of the project were managed ethically and reviewed continuously. Informed consent was sought by providing adequate information about the project through the information letter (see Appendix A). A full week was allotted for prospective participants to review the project information before I asked for their consent. An individual recruitment interview was used to assess for, and clarify, prospective participants' expectations and fit for the project. This time also provided opportunity to answer any questions they had. Furthermore, participants were given ongoing opportunities to ask question and clarify every aspect of what was required of them during and after the study. In respecting participants' rights, while engaged in the project, they were also given opportunity to review their level of comfort in continuing with the project. They were assured of their right to withdraw from the project without obligation or consequence. For further detail of how the recruitment process facilitated these ethical commitments, please refer to the recruitment information letter and consent form in Appendix A and B. 150 Findings Research findings are based on the data collected from each participant through the research instruments and interview. Two sets of data were collected through the Relationship Questionnaire (RQ) (Bartholomew and Horowitz 1991) and Attachment to God Inventory (AGI) (Beck and McDonald 2004) research instruments. One set was collected in Session 1 and the other in Session 6. These two sets of data were compared to identify changes in participants' RQ and AGI scores over the six-week study period. Please refer to Appendix C for details of the RQ and AGI questions. Qualitative data was also collected at Session 6 through participant's responses to the four open-ended group interview research questions. Please Table 3 RQ Part-1 and AGI Attachment Style Findings [ Please contact reposito@tyndale.ca for Table 3 details. ] 151 see Appendix D for the details of these questions. Table 3. above shows the research finding from the RQ and AGI instruments. Reading Table 3 above, the left-most column shows the anonymous code representing each of the twelve participants. The columns extending to the right of the participants' code, show each person's responses to Part 1 of the RQ and the AGI at Session 1 and Session 6. These data findings indicate that four participants reported changes in the attachment style they most closely identified with over the study period. Likewise, findings from the AGI instrument show that each participant, who reported data at Session 6, experienced a change in attachment avoidance and anxiety in their relationship with God, except for only two participants who reported change in only one of these attachment variables. In Part 2 of the RQ, participants rate each of the relationship styles (secure, anxious, fearful and dismissing) to indicate how well or poorly each description corresponds to their general relationship style. This finding, which is shown in Table 4 below, might help to explain the changes in participants levels of anxiety and avoidance (such as participants DR01, DR02 and DR11) in their AGI (Table 3.), though their general relationship style remains unchanged. Findings from Qualitative Research Data Findings from the qualitative research questions are obtained from participants' individual responses to the four open-ended research interview questions. This group interview was conducted during the sixth session of the 152 Table 4 RQ-Part 2 Level of Attachment Styles Match to General Style [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Table 4 details. ] research study. The research questions and the categories into which the responses are grouped are summarized in Table 5 below. In this table, the categories used to group participants' responses are based on the research questions and reflect the qualitative research study's theoretical and epistemological frameworks. These categories are shown in rows 1-4. Row five of this table is the category labeled "Reactions to Study" which captures participants' original expressions, not in response to a research question. Together, all of these categories reflect participants' subjective experience of the overall study and the meaning they made of it for themselves within their contexts (Patton 2002, Merriam and Tisdell 2015). 153 Table 5 Research Questions and Data Coding Categories [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Table 5 details. ] 154 The findings from the qualitative data are presented in Table 6, below. Due to the volume of data, the table stretches across four pages. The left column of Table 6 shows the unique anonymous identification code for each participant. This is followed in the next columns by the respective sample excerpts from each participant as he and she responded to the research questions, as well as shared their personal reactions to the research study. When this qualitative data in Table 6 is crossed-reference with the RQ and AGI data from Table 3, for a given participant, the reader can see a clearer picture of the interrelatedness of participants' attachment style, how it is experienced in the relationship with God, and their respective narration of their experiences. While the width of such a comprehensive table does not fit on the pages of this document format, I have provided this inclusive data in a wider table in Appendix F. I arrived at the findings of this qualitative data through the six-step analysis process method used in this research. This analytical process served the primary purpose of answering the research questions through an array of both inductive and comparative processes (Merriam and Tisdell 2015). 155 Table 6 Qualitative Data Findings Excerpts [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Table 6 details. ] 156 Table 6 Qualitative Data Findings Excerpts (Continues) [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Table 6 (Continues) details. ] 157 Table 6 Qualitative Data Findings Excepts (Continues) 158 Table 6 Qualitative Data Findings Excepts (Continues) [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Table 6 (Continues details. ] 159 Interpretation In the combined data sources, findings of this research suggest that participants experienced noticeable changes in at least four aspects of their lives. These include, a) increased awareness of self in relationship with God and others, b) increased awareness of level of intimacy with self, God and others, c) transformational actions to increase levels of intimacy in relationship with self, God and others and d) awareness of the benefits this integrative program provides in practically living out their Christian lives in their relationships. Findings from a few participants will serve as examples of these interpretations: A) Increased awareness of self in relationship with God and others: In Table 3, participant DR02 reported no changes in general "secured" attachment style. Although this participant indicated a 10-point increase in attachment anxiety to God, this person clarifies this descriptive data (from the RQ and AGI) by providing quantitative narrative data, in Table 6, which shows an increased awareness of self, increased intimacy with God and increased awareness of intimacy level with others at the end of the sixth session (see except in Table 6). B) Increased awareness of level of intimacy with self, God and others: Participants DR05 demonstrates this interpretation well. In Table 3, this person reported an attachment style change over the study period from "dismissing" to "secure". There was also indication of a slight 160 increase in attachment avoidance but decrease in anxiety in relationship to God. From Table 6 qualitative data, this participant reported increased levels of intimacy with self, God, and others (see excerpts in Table 6). C) Transformational actions to increase levels of intimacy in relationship with self, God and others: While participant DR08 reported very little change through the RQ and AGI data in Table 3, this person indicated, in Table 6, that this study has helped to initiate actions towards creating greater levels of intimacy in relationship with self, God, and others. D) Awareness of the benefits this study curriculum in practically living out one's Christian faith in one's relationships: Several participants' responses have led to this interpretation of the research study. The qualitative data in Table 6 from participants such as DR01, DR02, DR04, DR05 and DR08 underscore this interpretation. These interpretations are arrived at through my use of a methodological interpretative lens. This interpretative lens uses inductive logic to identify topics and themes from particular details of the research findings and analyze how these findings provide answers to the research design and specific questions (Merriam and Tisdell 2015; Patton 2002). Furthermore, this epistemological interpretative lens specifically assumes that 161 participants responses reflect the subjective truth of the effects of this integrative study on them, as evidenced by their direct quotes presented in the qualitative data findings (Creswell and Poth 2018). The outcome this methodological approach also supports the use of this lens as an important philosophical assumption that undergirds qualitative research interpretation and application to practice. Finally, I made a conscious decision to not include the data in Table 4 (RQ-Part 2 - Level of Attachment Styles Match to General Style) in the interpretation of the findings of this research study. This decision was made in order to reduce the complexity of interpretation of the various type of research data collected. The omission of this data does not affect the four key interpretative outcomes of this research study. The findings in Table 4 may be used in a future report to show nuanced understandings of the fact that although each participant identified with a dominant attachment style, he or she may also identify with any of the other three attachment styles, to a lesser or greater degree. This additional data might be helpful in a future report analysis and interpretation to better understand subtle differences in how an individual experiences and navigates attachment anxiety and avoidance in their relationships. Outcomes The outcome of this research study is measured not only by the findings from each individual participant and their interpretations, but by how the qualitative research case study unit - the integrated study curriculum - is 162 better understood and can be described (Creswell and Poth 2018; Patton 2002; Merriam and Tisdell 2015). Accordingly, the outcome of this research study shows that a) male and female Christian adults from various socioeconomic, racial, cultural and age backgrounds can be helped to change the levels of intimacy they experience in their relationship with self, with God and with others, b) this change can be achieved through a program that engages participants in experiential learning which integrates the spiritual practice of devotional reading of scripture (such as lectio divina) with psychoeducation on attachment styles and the dynamic role they play in adult relationships. Furthermore, this research study outcome demonstrates that this integrative curriculum has achieved these particular outcomes for individuals who have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and who believe in, and desire to experience, the ongoing transforming work of God, through the power of the Holy Spirit, in the level of relational intimacy they experience with self, God, and others. Finally, this research's conceptual framework, design, implementation, results, and conclusions may not be beneficial for every person in every situation. Individuals with significantly impaired cognitive or emotional functioning may not be able to engage effectively with the intellectual and emotional rigor of this integrative curriculum and, as such, may not experience the outcomes that this study has shown. Also, there are several other spiritual, religious, cultural, relational, and other nuanced factors which were out of scope for this study and therefore not considered. These 163 factors might render this integrative approach less meaningful or effective for specific individuals than what has been demonstrated by this research. Therein lies the opportunity for further research in the practical integration of theological and psychological practices in addressing the multi-dimensional nature of people's life in the process of Christian spiritual formation. 164 CHAPTER V CONCLUSION This portfolio has presented you with four critical milestones which I have grappled with in coming to my articulation of an integrative approach to Christian spiritual formation. I have walked you through the spiritual, personal and professional experiences which have revealed to me the unhelpful and, sometimes, harmful, outcomes of the enduring dualistic approach to Christianity and psychology which the Western modern cultural narrative thrusted upon us - both secular people and Christians. In order to put both the common dualistic approach and, my call to an integrative approach to Christian spiritual formation in their proper perspectives, the first milestone laid out the historic relationship between Christianity and psychology over the premodern, modern and postmodern cultural eras in the Western world. Consequently, I have demonstrated that my call for an integrative approach to Christian spiritual formation, through the use of orthodox Christian spiritual practices and sound psychotherapeutic practices is securely anchored on what I called the integrative bridge. This integrative bridge, which demonstrates the vital components of the conceptual framework of the relationship between Christian theology and psychology in 165 both the premodern and postmodern cultures, serves as the foundation of my integrated Christian spiritual formation (ICSF) model. Before articulating the details of the ICSF model, through my spiritual autobiography, the second milestone revealed the details of my personal life history and experiences which have shaped my views on the relationship between Christianity and psychology. I have shown how my contextual history - familial, cultural, church community, spiritual, social, school, work, relational and personal - have all convinced me of the inseparable, or integrated, nature of my experiential understanding of Christianity and the psychological domains of my life. I have shown that it is out of these experiences that I have come to be convinced of, and passionate about the development of an integrated Christian spiritual formation (ICSF) model, which unlike other forms of spiritually integrated psychotherapy (SIP) (Leijssen 2008; Rosmarin, Forester, et al. 2015, Pargament 2007) goes beyond the aims of symptom reduction. Through the third milestone, I have articulated a comprehensive ICSF model, which is based on the integrative bridge, and delineated its key components. These include "Being formed into the image of Christ"; the need for Acceptance by Faith" to God's offer of healing, liberation, and hope and “Being formed from the current fabricated self"; an integrative process which facilitates this transformation - the aim, domain and Christian spiritual and psychotherapeutic practices. Also included are the need for a person to yield and surrender to the Spirit one's transformed knowledge and 166 relationship with self, God and others. Finally, an understanding of functional dynamics of the ICSF model positions the work of the Holy Spirit as the central agent of transformation. I also use Lynn's case study to illustrate this model. Through the final milestone, I explicated the details of my six-week field research study which verified the spiritual and psychological integrated means used in the ICSF model in the process of "Being formed from the current fabricated self". I discussed the research opportunity which existed at Malvern Christian Assembly church and my response which exposed a purposeful sample of adult, from this congregation, to an alternate experience of Christian spiritual formation than the common dualistic one. In doing so, twelve volunteer participants were introduced to an integrated approach through the use of a qualitative case study curriculum methodology which utilized the spiritual practice of devotional reading of scripture (an enhanced lectio divina model) and basic psychoeducation on adult attachment styles. A mixed-method data collection was used which included the use of the Relationship Questionnaire (RQ) (Bartholomew and Horowitz 1991) and the Attachment to God Inventory (AGI) (Beck and McDonald 2004) which were administered in session one and session six, plus qualitative data from a group interview conducted in session six. The data findings and interpretation indicated that participants experienced noticeable changes in at least four aspects of their lives. These include, a) increased awareness of self in relationship with God, and others, b) increased awareness of the level of 167 intimacy with self, God, and others, c) transformational actions to increase levels of intimacy in relationship with self, God, and others and d) awareness of the benefits this integrative program provide in practically living out their Christian lives in the area of relationships. This research portfolio has provided an understanding of an integrative program which provides a bridge between a Christian spiritual practice and a psychological/psychotherapeutic practice through which Christian adults can experience genuine transformation in their lives. More specifically, this research study illustrates that, while the dualism of the modern era continues to dominate approaches to Christian spiritual formation, when exposed to an integrative form of spiritual formation, adult Christian males and females from various socioeconomic, racial, cultural, and age backgrounds can be helped to change the levels of intimacy they experience in their relationship with self, with God, and with others through an integrative program. In particular, this research case study outcome lends support to the use of experiential learning which integrates the spiritual practice of devotional reading of scripture (such as lectio divina) with psychoeducation on attachment styles in producing these changes. The results of this study have also provided meaningful and useful data which have contributed to my understanding of the efficacy of my ICSF model. These results have helped to acknowledge the integrative theological and psychological foundations on which this study is based. 168 The specific combination of practices from spiritual formation and psychotherapy used in this portfolio's field research project (lectio divina and attachment style psychoeducation), represents only a sample of the vast array of combinations of practices, from both disciplines, that can be employed in the ICSF model. Other combinations might include the careful use of various forms of prayer with mindfulness meditation, to deepen one's relationship with self, God and others. Likewise, the spiritual practice of communal fellowship could be combined with forms of exposure therapy, to address symptoms related to social anxiety. Additionally, spiritual autobiography and family genogram (McGoldrick 2016) could be combined to aid exploration of familial understandings and the impacts of family of origin experiences on a person's spiritual life and development. The specific combination of practices that can be implemented through this robust ICSF model is limited only by the practitioners' imagination, their ethical scope of practice and competency, and by what specific practices best serve a particular person's (or client's) next appropriate step in their formational journey. This portfolio represents a distinct integrative approach to Christian spiritual formation. It has potential to act as a catalyst for further research on integrative approaches to spiritual formation. Furthermore, it can serve as an adjunct to Christian educational and training programs for pastoral ministry, Christian education, spiritual direction, Christian counselling and Christian psychotherapy/family therapy. Finally, the key principles of this portfolio can be translated to the lay Christian community to increase awareness of a more 169 integrative approach which mitigates the prevalent restrictive dualistic mindset. 170 APPENDICES 171 Appendix A Information Letter Information Letter and Consent Request Regarding Research Study Taking Place at Malvern Christian Assembly (MCA) Between September - October 2019 by Kern Stanberry (Principal Investigator) on the Subject: Effect of devotional reading of scripture and knowledge of adult relationship styles on intimacy in relationship with self, God and others Christians throughout the ages, and from various spiritual traditions, have acknowledged that the ultimate goal of the Christian faith, and the Christian life journey, is to accomplish God's mission "to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored" (Rom 8:29 MSG). We also see through both the Old and New Testaments, and from contemporary and personal experiences, that God invites fallen humanity to participate in this redeemed life, by entering into our personal life situations and experiences. It is from here - the unique realities of our lived experiences - that the Holy Spirit calls us on this transformational journey to "put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator" (Col 3:10 NIV). However, it is becoming increasingly clear to Christian individuals, pastors, spiritual leaders and Christian counsellors/psychotherapist that our spiritual growth is often affected, or even blocked, by issues from our past life experiences. The impacts of these past experiences often influence how we engage in relationship with ourselves, with God and with others. It is only after years of spiritual and relationship struggles that many have come to realize that it is only when we become aware of these influences from the past that we can truly "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles [and] .. .run with perseverance the race marked out for us" (Heb 12;1 NIV). 172 As a Christian counsellor and psychotherapist, I have journeyed with hundreds of people as they engage in this process of spiritual growth through a deepened awareness of how their past experiences have impacted their walk with God and the relationship with self and others. This research study is intended to help participants explore one aspect of their life where this might be so. It will also provide an opportunity for participants to take steps towards experiencing greater freedom in their relationship with themselves, with God and with others. More specifically, this study will examine the impacts methodical devotional reading of scripture and increased awareness of the dynamic of adult relationship styles have on the level of intimacy a Christian person develops in his or her close relationships - with God and others. I anticipate that the outcome of this research will provide important information about the nature of the connection between a person's spiritual and psychological functioning and how this might impact his or her close relationships. The outcomes of this research will provide vital input into the design and development of a Spirit-led whole-person approach to Christian spiritual growth and transformation. This approach incorporates the use of Christian spiritual disciplines (scripture, prayer, etc.) and a redemptive awareness of the ongoing impacts of one's lived experiences on his or her functioning. This approach leads to an increased knowledge of God's redeeming love and power, and genuine awareness of the inner workings of one's self. Together, these work to facilitate a genuine encounter with God's liberating and healing power in Jesus Christ through work of the Holy Spirit. This research forms part of the requirement of the researcher's course work in the Doctor of Ministry (D.Min.) Spiritual Formation Program at Tyndale University and will be conducted with the permission and support from the lead pastor at MCA. It will under the supervision of my research project- portfolio advisor and program director, Dr. Mark Chapman, and Spiritual Formation program director, Dr. David Sherbino in the Doctor of Ministry program at Tyndale University. This study will conform to all requirements of Canadian ethical guidelines as outlined in the Tri-Council Policy Statement: Ethical Conduct for Research Involving Humans and the Tyndale Research Ethics Policy Manual. This research study seeks the participation of 8-12 adults age 19 - 65 plus. They can be of any marital status, gender, sex, race, ethnicity and socioeconomic background, who profess a personal relationship with Jesus 173 Christ and desire to experience the ongoing transformational work of God through the power of the Holy Spirit in their relationship with self, God and others. Potential participants must be able to read, understand and write in the English language at a grade eight level. Additionally, prospective participants must be available to attend an individual 1/2 hour interview (in person, via phone or video conference) in September 2019 and to also attend six 1.5-hour group sessions at Malvern Christian Assembly (MCA), in Scarborough ON, on Wednesday evenings in September - October 2019 from 7:00pm - 8:30pm. In the six weekly group sessions, participants will be engaged in devotional reading of selected Bible passages. This Bible reading will also incorporate prayer, meditation and application of the text. In each session, participants will also be involved in reflective learning about the development and dynamics of adult relationship styles (formally know as attachment styles). The first session is the introduction session in which participants will also complete two questionnaires. These are the Relationship Questionnaire (RQ) and the Attachment to God Inventory (AGI). Summarized anonymous data from these questionnaires will be shared with the group to help participants gain personal and practical insights into the nature of attachment styles. The sixth week will conclude the study with participants, again, completing the RQ and AGI questionnaires and sharing in a brief reflective discussion on their experience of participating in the study. This discussion will be audio recorded for data collection and processing. I invite you to consider participating in this research study. Confidentiality of all information shared will be safeguarded. In rare cases it may not be possible to ensure confidentiality because of mandatory reporting laws pertaining to the safety of vulnerable individuals. All data collected will be stored in a locked file cabinet in my office and electronic data will be encrypted. Information shared in the group session will be expected to remain within the group - participants will be asked to commit to not sharing anyone's personal information discussed in the group with other persons. You will be invited to share as much - or as little - as you feel comfortable. A coding system will be used to remove personal identifying information once the RQ and AGI forms are collected. Total anonymity in this research study may not be possible due to the small scale of the study and the collegial nature of our congregation. Therefore, please do not agree to participate in this research if you are concerned about remaining anonymous. Your participation is completely voluntary, and you 174 will be free to opt-out of the study at any time without consequence. You are not waiving any legal rights if you choose to participate in this research. I am anticipating that at you may directly benefit from the study in several ways. First, you may learn and experience the benefits of a methodical approach to devotional reading of scripture which facilitates a greater impact of God's Word on one's everyday life. Secondly, you will be exposed to information about adult attachment style (or relationship style), how it influences the way a person acts, feels, and behaves in relationship. In addition, you will receive introductory information which might help you to adopt healthy ways of relating to a child under you care. This knowledge may also help facilitate the development of a healthy attachment style in that child. Thirdly, through the group process, you will have an opportunity to share in these learning experiences with your own Christian brothers and sisters through whom you may gain support and encouragement, and with whom you may continue to build on the valuable practices and knowledge gained. Furthermore, I anticipate that participants' community (MCA) and other Christian individuals and communities will also benefit from this study in the future. The outcome of this study will contribute to the development of a holistic Christian spiritual formation ministry through which others may also experience similar genuine transformation into Christlikeness. There are no known direct risks associated with participating in this study. However, it is possible that participants might experience some level of spiritual, psychological or emotional discomfort or distress through any of the required activities. Because, by nature, research is an exploration into what is not sufficiently known, it is a possibility that some participants might encounter these stressors based on individuals' pre-existing factors. These factors may include one's level of self awareness, sensitivities, openness to the truth of scripture, spiritual maturity and so forth. Results of the study will be available to participants once it is finalized and the data analyzed. I will re-contact participants and provide each person a written summary of the results. This will be delivered either through e-mail or the postal service, based on each participant's preference. Participants may also be invited to a presentation where the results of the study are included in the material presented. The research project is expected to conclude by the end of December 2019 and my final report will be presented to the faculty at Tyndale University Doctor of Ministry (D.Min) in Spiritual Formation Program by April 1, 2020. 175 As per the requirement of the program, I am expected to include the results of this study in a formal presentation within several months of the project conclusion. If you have any questions, please direct them to me, Kern Stanberry at 1-855- 544-4673 Ext 102 or kstanberry@newhopefs.ca (these are my confidential phone and email contacts). You may also direct any questions or concerns about the ethical nature of this study to the Chair of the General Research Ethics Board at Tyndale University at reb@tyndale.ca. Thank you for your time in reviewing this information and for considering joining me in this study as together we "press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called [us] heavenward in Christ Jesus" (Phil 3:14 NIV). Please read the attached consent form, where you are invited to express your, informed, free and voluntary consent to participate in this study. Sincerely, Kern Stanberry, M.Div. RP, RMFT Project Researcher and D.Min. Student 176 Appendix B Research Study Consent Form Effect of devotional reading of scripture and knowledge of adult relationship styles on intimacy in relationship with self, God and others Name (please print): 1. I have read and understood the above Letter of Information outlining the purpose, details and requirements of this research project and have had an opportunity to ask related questions. 2. I understand that I will be participating in a study that requires me to attend six weekly group meetings over a six-week period which will be scheduled as indicated in the attached Letter of Information. I understand that these sessions will be focused on devotional reading of scripture and learning about the dynamics of adult relationship styles (called attachment styles). I acknowledge that I will be asked to fill out two questionnaires - the RQ and AGI - which, respectively, asks questions about how I engage in my relationship with another person and with God. Furthermore, I acknowledge that my participation in this study is to assist in the design and development of a Spirit-led whole-person approach to Christian spiritual growth and transformation. 3. I understand that my participation in this study is voluntary and I may withdraw at any time without consequences. I am not waiving any legal rights by participating in this study. I understand that every effort will be made to maintain the confidentiality of the data both now and in the future. The data may also be published in professional journals or presented at conferences, but any such presentations will be of general findings and will never breach individual's confidentiality. I also understand that I am entitled to a copy of the findings. 4. I understand that, due to the small scale of the study and the collegial relationship within MCA congregation, complete anonymity may not be possible, but confidentiality will always be respected. 177 5. I understand that this research study forms part of the requirement of the researcher's course work in the Doctor of Ministry (D.Min.) Spiritual Formation Program at Tyndale University and therefore constitute no conflict of interest with any aspects of the researcher's vocational, work, or voluntary ministry settings. 6. I am aware that if I have any questions about participating in this study they may be directed to Kern Stanberry at 1-855-544-4673 Ext 102 or kstanberry@newhopefs.ca. Any concerns about this project can be directed to my research project supervisor Dr. Mark Chapman at 416-226- 6620 or e-mail: mchapman@tyndale.ca. Any ethical concerns about the study may be directed to the Chair of the General Research Ethics Board, reb@tyndale.ca. By signing below, I am consenting that I have read the above statements and freely consent to participate in this study. Participant's signature: Date: Researcher's signature: Print name Date: 178 Appendix C Research Instruments A. Relationship Questionnaire (RQ) Bartholomew, Kim, and Leonard M Horowitz. 1991. "Attachment Styles Among Young Adults: A Test of a Four-Category Model." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1991: 226-244. Scale - Part 1 Following are four general relationship styles that people often report. Place a checkmark next to the letter corresponding to the style that best describes you or is closest to the way you are *(Please relate your response to a particular significant person in your life; this could be a spouse, family member, friend, etc.). _____A. It is easy for me to become emotionally close to others*. I am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t worry about being alone or having others not accept me. _____B. I am uncomfortable getting close to others*. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others. _____C. I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others*, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don’t value me as much as I value them. ______D. I am comfortable without close emotional relationships*. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others* or have others* depend on me. 179 Scale - Part 2 [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Scale - Part 2 details. ] Now please rate each of the relationship styles above to indicate how well or poorly each description corresponds to your general relationship style. Style A Source: (Bartholomew and Horowitz 1991). Used with Permission (http://members.psvc.sfu.ca/labs/kim bartholomew/attachment/freguentlv asked questions) 180 Attachment to God Inventory (AGI) [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Attachment to God Inventory (AGI) details. ] The following statements concern how you feel about your relationship with God. We are interested in how you generally experience your relationship with God, not just in what is happening in that relationship currently. Respond to each statement by indicating how much you agree or disagree with it. Write the number in the space provided, using the following rating scale: _____1. I worry a lot about my relationship with God. _____2. I just don’t feel a deep need to be close to God. ____3. If I can’t see God working in my life, I get upset or angry. _____4. I am totally dependent upon God for everything in my life. (R) _____5. I am jealous at how God seems to care more for others than for me. ____6. It is uncommon for me to cry when sharing with God. ____7. Sometimes I feel that God loves others more than me. _____8. My experiences with God are very intimate and emotional. (R) _____9. I am jealous at how close some people are to God. _____10. I prefer not to depend too much on God. ____11. I often worry about whether God is pleased with me. ____12. I am uncomfortable being emotional in my communication with God. _____13. Even if I fail, I never question that God is pleased with me. (R) _____14. My prayers to God are often matter-of-fact and not very personal.* 181 _____15. Almost daily I feel that my relationship with God goes back and forth from "hot" to "cold." ____16. I am uncomfortable with emotional displays of affection to God. _____17. I fear God does not accept me when I do wrong. ____18. Without God I couldn’t function at all. (R) ____19. I often feel angry with God for not responding to me when I want. ____20. I believe people should not depend on God for things they should do for themselves. _____21. I crave reassurance from God that God loves me. ____22. Daily I discuss all of my problems and concerns with God. (R) _____23. I am jealous when others feel God’s presence when I cannot. ____24. I am uncomfortable allowing God to control every aspect of my life. _____25. I worry a lot about damaging my relationship with God. ____26. My prayers to God are very emotional. (R) _____27. I get upset when I feel God helps others, but forgets about me. _____28. I let God make most of the decisions in my life. (R) Scoring: Avoidance = sum of even numbered items Anxiety = sum of odd numbered items Items 4,8,13,18,22,26, and 28 are reverse scored (R) Source: (Beck and McDonald 2004). Used with Permission. 182 Appendix D Group Research Interview Questions (Notes: A - Participants may answer anyone of these questions interchangeably B - I will clarify participants meaning of the terms "relationship"," relating to people” and attachment style) 1. Has your practice of devotional reading of scripture made a difference in your relationship with God? If so, how? 2. Has your knowledge of your style of relating to people (attachment style) affected your understanding of yourself? If so, how? 3. Has your knowledge of your style of relating to people (attachment style) affected the way you engaged in your relationship with a significant person in your life? 4. What are some ways in which your knowledge of your style of relating to people (attachment style) affect how you have engaged in your relationship with God? 183 Appendix E Purposeful Sampling Criteria and Method [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Appendix E Table details. ] 184 Combined RQ - Part 1, AGI and Qualitative Data Table [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Appendix F table details. ] 185 Combined RQ - Part 1, AGI and Qualitative Data Table (Continued) [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Appendix F table details. ] 186 Combined RQ - Part 1, AGI and Qualitative Data Table [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Appendix F table details. ] 187 Combined RQ - Part 1, AGI and Qualitative Data Table [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Appendix F table details. ] 188 Appendix G Permission to Use Tapestry Weaving Images in Figure 6 Kette und SchuB.jpg (377 x 418 pixels, file size: 102 KB, MIME type: image/jpeg) [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Appendix G details. ] Summary Description Osnova a utek Date 20 November 2007 Source http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Warp_and_weft.jpg Author http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Ryj Permission (Reusing this file) This work is based on a work in the public domain. It has been digitally enhanced and/or modified. This derivative work has been (or is hereby) released into the public domain by its author, PKM. This applies worldwide. In some countries this may not be legally possible; if so: PKM grants anyone the right to use this work for any purpose, without any conditions, unless such conditions are required by law. Licensing GNU head Permission is granted to copy, distribute and/or modify this document under the terms of the GNU Free Documentation License, Version 1.2 or any later version published by the Free Software Foundation; with no Invariant 189 Sections, no Front-Cover Texts, and no Back-Cover Texts. A copy of the license is included in the section entitled GNU Free Documentation License. (Permission source: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Kette_und_Schu%C3%9F.jpg. Accessed July 12, 2020 by Kern Stanberry.) From: sales@weftblown.com Sent: July 13, 2020 5:15 AM To: kstanberry@rogers.com Subject: Re: Enquiry from Contact Page - Permission to Use Photo Hello Thanks for getting in touch and I am happy for you to use our image in your PhD thesis. I hope your PhD goes well. Thanks Ange Ange Sewell Weft Blown Ltd 25 Ritchie Street West Kilbride KA23 9AL https://www.weftblown.com 07930 657900 On 12 Jul 2020, 19:15 +0100, kstanberry@rogers.com, wrote: Hello Ange, I trust you and your loved ones are staying safe during this pandemic! I am contacting you from Toronto Canada. By purpose for contacting you might be an odd one. However, to ensure my ethical and legal obligations, I am writing to obtain your (Weft Blown's) permission to use a photo from one of the advertised collections on Weft Blown's website (https://www.weftblown.com/collections/weaving). I am a doctoral studies student (doctor of ministry - DMin) and have found the photo of Louet Lisa Frame Loom - various sizes a very helpful illustration in my final academic paper. This photo is a helpful visual illustration of my 190 assertion that, as human beings, we often weave together the various experiences we have in life to create our unique mental, emotional and behavioural dispositions, much like the varied pieces of yarns are woven together to fabricate a tapestry. The photo from your webpage is represented in my final academic portfolio, alongside another photo depicting the core elements of tapestry weaving, as follows: [Colour photo inserted here] Sample Source: www.weftblown.com/collections/weaving/ products/louet-lisa-frame-loom. Used with permission. I am kindly asking for your written permission to use your photo as it appears here, with full citation of your website. My usage of this photo in my academic paper (which will be published in academic settings) is for illustrative purposes only. However, readers of my paper will become aware of your website and your products - providing you more publicity. I look forward to your kind consideration and reply. Thank You, Kern Stanberry DMin Student Tyndale University 3377 Bayview Avenue, Toronto, Ontario M2M 3S4 https://www.tyndale.ca/seminary/degree/dmin 191 REFERENCE LIST Adams, Jay E. 1970. Competent to Counsel: Introduction to Nouthetic Counselling. Grand Rapids: Zondervan. Aist, Clark S. "The Recovery of Religious and Spiritual Significance in American Psychiatry." Journal of Religion and Health 51, no. 3 (September 2012): 615-629. Anderson, Ray S. 1982. On Being Human: Essays in Theological Anthropology. California: Fuller Seminary Press. Barker, Philip, and Jeff Chang. 2013. Basic Family Therapy. Chichester: John Wiley and Sons, Ltd. Bartholomew, Kim, and Leonard M Horowitz. 1991. 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