Copyright holder: Tyndale University, 3377 Bayview Ave., Toronto, Ontario, Canada M2M 3S4 Att.: Library Director, J. William Horsey Library Copyright: This Work has been made available by the authority of the copyright owner solely for the purpose of private study and research and may not be copied or reproduced except as permitted by the copyright laws of Canada without the written authority from the copyright owner. Copyright license: Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License Citation: Pekar, Jane Janine. “Witness to the Presence of God Moments in the Action and Voice of Children.” D. Min., Tyndale University, 2020. ***** Begin Content ****** Tyndale University Witness to the Presence of God Moments in the Action and Voice of Children A Research Portfolio submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Ministry Tyndale University by Jane Janine Pekar Toronto, Canada August 2020 Copyright © 2020 by Jane Janine Pekar All rights reserved ABSTRACT This portfolio begins with a reflection of my personal journey in spiritual formation. In response to the contemporary shift in society’s affirmation of the rights and voice of children as world citizens and my experiences as a teacher, parent and ordained minister, I created a model of ministry for families with young children combining components of Young Child & Worship and Messy Church. Using Action Research, I introduced principles of the Reggio-Inspired Approach to enhance the children’s personalization of the experience. The observations of the children’s creative responses and intuitive initiatives were recorded and shared in four Documentations. vi To O. S. who first led me into the world of Young Children & Worship. To the children and parents from St. Joseph of Nazareth Anglican Church Brampton who participated in the research and the congregation who have watched and wondered with me these many years. To my colleagues who gave their time to provide observations and reflection for the Documentation. To the many readers who proofread the projects that have led to this portfolio. To my children, and all the children and children at heart whom I have encountered on this journey. To the Spirit that has persisted in helping me find my voice. vii TABLE OF CONTENTS LIST OF TABLES .... x LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS .... xi GLOSSARY .... xii CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION .... 1 CHAPTER 2: ROUND AND ROUND GOD’S GARDEN, A SPIRITUAL AUTOBIOGRAPHY .... 6 CHAPTER 3: RING AROUND THE ROSIE WITH GOD .... 70 A View About Children in Our Time .... 71 Inspiration for Giving Voice to Inner Knowing .... 72 Religious Reality Today .... 73 Historical Biblical Change in the Image of Children .... 74 Considerations for Child-Centred Education .... 82 A New Tradition in Education .... 82 A North American Response .... 85 Spiritual Disciplines .... 90 A Post-Christian Response to Church and Family .... 92 Spiritual Disciplines .... 97 Ring Around the Rosie With God .... 97 Hospitality: Welcome and Meal .... 99 Listening to the Word of God .... 100 Responding to the Word of God/Craft .... 100 Celebrating .... 101 Going into the World in God’s Name .... 102 Summary .... 102 CHAPTER 4: WITNESSING TO THE PRESENCE OF GOD IN THE VOICE AND ACTION OF CHILDREN .... 105 Innovation .... 106 Background Sources .... 106 Supervision, Permission and Access .... 110 Methodology and Methods .... 112 Phases and Timetable .... 114 Findings, Interpretation and Outcome Development .... 115 Hospitality to all Ages: Relational .... 116 Sharing the Word: Reflective .... 117 Documentation Big Questions: Reflective .... 118 Responding: Reflective, Creative, Transcendent .... 121 The Eucharist: Relating, Reflecting, Transcendence .... 123 Going out: Relational .... 126 viii Data Analysis: Relational, Reflective .... 126 Documentation: Reflecting, Creativity .... 130 Research Team: Reflecting .... 132 Summary .... 133 Implications .... 135 CHAPTER 5: CONCLUSION .... 139 Reflection .... 141 APPENDICES .... 144 Appendix A: Foundational Principles .... 145 Appendix B: Tool for Observing Children’s Voice and Action of Spirituality .... 146 Appendix C: L’important c’est la rose .... 149 Appendix D: Author’s Consent .... 150 Appendix E: Attendance .... 151 Appendix F: Home Guide .... 152 Appendix G: Final Reflection Guide .... 153 Appendix H: Phases and Timetable .... 154 Appendix I: Announcement Poster .... 156 Appendix J: Permission to use St. Joseph of Nazareth .... 157 Appendix K: Orientation Script .... 158 Appendix L: Parent Permission ... 160 Appendix M: Child Assent .... 162 Appendix N: Survey Information .... 163 Appendix O: Big Questions Poster .... 165 Appendix P: Observer’s Consent .... 166 Appendix Q: Monthly Narratives and Songs .... 168 Appendix R: Multi-dimensionality of Attributes .... 169 Appendix S: Frequency of Observation of the 30 Attributes .... 170 REFERENCES .... 173 ix LIST OF TABLES Table 1: YC&W Order of Worship .... 87 Table 2: Messy Church at a Glance .... 95 Table 3: Friday Family Food, Fun and Faith .... 99 x LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS 5F Friday Family Food Fun & Faith AAMFT American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder CECE College of Early Childhood Educators CTM Child Theology Movement CRC Convention of the Rights of the Child Disciples Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) in Canada and the U.S. (DOC) Disciples of Christ IACS International Association of Children’s Spirituality MC Messy Church NAMC North American Montessori Centre OCT Ontario College of Teachers OCYF Ontario Christian Youth Fellowship NIV New International Version * RC Roman Catholic REB Research Ethics Board UCC United Church of Canada YC&W Young Children & Worship * (unless stated otherwise, all Bible references are from the NIV) xi GLOSSARY Co-Learner describes an attitude of “respectful openness by the adult and child for the mutual responsibility of wonderment or curiosity of an idea towards understanding to further curiosity” (Government of Ontario 2013). The mutual nature of co-learning in the research provided for the children to invite their parent to join them and prompted the parent to wait for the child’s lead. Pedagogical Documentation or Documentation (artefact) as it is more commonly referred to, is a process of Narrative Reflection developed by Early Learning Educators in Reggio Emelia, Italy. Using interactive observations and videography of the children a visual representation of the thinking, feeling, reasoning and reflecting processes of children was created. This Documentation was a collation of photos to provide details with reduced text to describe the process (Stacey 2015, Kable 2018, Kashin 2018, Wein 2018). The children were encouraged to reflect on and discuss the Documentation with co-learning peers and parents to promote further inquiry. The Documentation provided a forum to “help to make parents aware of their children’s experience and maintain their involvement” (Gandini 2009). God Moments is a term from the Messy Church literature that serves to identify “these moments when we witness the Holy Spirit at work in people’s lives” (Moore 2018). This may be observed in, but is not limited to, an extended silence or pause, an unexpected joyful leap, or an act of compassion. All participants in 5F were encouraged to become aware of and celebrate these moments within themselves and others. xii Inquiry learning involves following a learner’s curiosity and questions openly towards understanding rather than leading from a prescribed curriculum (Government of Ontario 2013). Messy Church is an outreach ministry movement started in the Church of England in 2004 to extend the Christian message in a Post-Christian society. Families were welcomed to participate in a non-traditional experience of hospitality, learning and liturgy. The Reggio-Inspired Approach is a “movement towards progressive and cooperative early childhood education” (Inspired Practices 2018). Loris Malaguzzi extended work of Maria Montessori to be adaptable to focus on the local culture and development and interest of the child (North American Montessori Centre 2013). Co-learning, inquiry language and Documentation are only three of the principles of this approach (Appendix A). The Tool for Observing was compiled from research literature describing observable attributes to the Spirit’s prompting. The research tool includes 30 attributes that can be used as identifiers of spiritual activity (Appendix B). Young Children and Worship (YC&W) (Stewart & Berryman 1989) is an English language interpretation of the work of Sofia Cavaletti and Gianna Gobbi who integrated the Montessori method into religious instruction. Jerome Berryman collaborated with Sonja M. Stewart to produce YC&W, a developmentally relevant experience of worship for children. xiii CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION This portfolio is an integration of three major projects in Spiritual Formation: an autobiography, a model and a research project. The focus of the latter is the spiritual formation of children and the revelation of how this has informed my own spiritual development and affirmed the voice of the Spirit within me. Teaching music and French to children was satisfying until I had more questions than my social network could answer. An MDiv and ordination eventually led to credentials in Pastoral Counselling. In the last years of my teaching career I accepted an assignment that gave me more time with children in Kindergarten. There I experienced the fruition of my earlier studies in education to honour a child’s cultural and developmental needs in an environment that reflects their interests. As I entered again into the world of inquiry learning an unanswered thread of yearning surfaced. There were three constants in my life: music, children and God’s presence. I was satisfied with my exploration of the first two. Now they were leading me to explore how God has formed me through children and music. Spiritual Formation is a process that is described, understood, practiced and experienced differently according to the time, culture and customs of the 1 seeker. Simplistically, it a process of developing a personal awareness and response to the guiding source beyond oneself, often with validation through other aware souls, towards a healthier individual and community life. In a Christian context, it can be described as a personal journey of awakening to God’s life- giving force, the Spirit, sometimes through subtle sensory prompts or ‘voices’, towards discerning action for a fuller life. Jesus modeled this in his living and spoke of it using parables to describe the Kingdom of God, a metaphor of freedom for the faithful in his community. Jesus continued in the spiritual practices of his faith: attending worship, praying, reading scriptures and fasting while emphasizing practices of hospitality, compassion, service and forgiveness. Paul contextualized Jesus’ message for gentile followers, differentiating the intent of a practice from the rigid performance, “through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death” (Romans 8:2). Early church fathers like Augustine and Chrysostom, proposed philosophical reflections and discernment for action to the faithful. In the post- Medieval renaissance, Ignatius Loyola and Teresa of Avila offered routines for personal examen and images for understanding the inner journey. Julian of Norwich recorded her revelations. Joan of Arc acted on her inner voices for social justice. In the last century, authors like Barton, Calhoun and Nouwen have contemporized the ideas of the spiritual journey to a greater public, responding to the cultural diversity of the global village. The work of Bushnell, Fox, Daly, Gutierrez, McCray and others have re-visited the contextual interpretation of 2 theology and inspired change in faith teachings and social action. However, the context for this portfolio is the spiritual formation of children, Writers like Schorr Love, Johnson and Rosas, Travnikar, Hendricks, and Finn Borgo have simplified and re-structured common practices to support parents inspired to guide their children in their spiritual learning. Miller, Reeves, Smith and programmes like Friendship Ministries, invite parents and adults to guide children and youth who respond to life differently. Like modern pedagogy, they lead the adult to follow the child’s interests, to support the child’s inner voice and honour their sensibilities and experimentations, to be a witness to the child’s burgeoning awareness, growing discernment and developing reasoning to listen to their inner authority inspired by the living God in their own language and action now. One of my own experimentations is with flowers. Just because I plant a root, doesn’t mean it will grow. I have been teased with the idea of roses several times before this round of studies so have chosen to use them as a metaphor to describe my experience through study, research and reflection for integration. A song has stayed with me from my university days, L’important c’est la rose by Gilbert Becaud (Becaud & Amade 1967). The last lines of the song read “Dis a ton tour maintenant, Que la vie n’a d’importance, que par une fleur qui danse sur le temps. L’important c’est la rose...Crois-moi.” I loosely translate this to mean: “It’s now your time to say that life has no importance unless you live it the way a flower dances on the wind. What is important is the rose, I believe” (Appendix C). The implications for me are a responsiveness to the gentle breeze of the Spirit that guides the movements 3 of everyday life. Secondly, an attractive feature of the house I now live in is a hedge of wild roses. When they finally flower in late spring, their scent reminds me of the legend of Theresa of the Little Flower and the scent or presence of roses as a sign that a prayer has been heard. A rose as a Christian symbol also has diverse meanings, from beauty and secrets to death and rebirth. Both the song and the scent of roses remind me to notice the little things in life, like children. Children and their young age have more to offer to life than some might assume. Just as I am always amazed when the bud of a cut rose opens to a full bloom, a fleeting giggle or skip down the sidewalk, like a flower that dances on the wind can be the difference between a life of joy or a life of dread. To describe my own journey, I invite you to meander through the garden paths of my life that await you in Chapter Two, to join me in the rose garden of my life as I have tried to identify the roots, plantings, grafting, pruning, watering and fertilizing that have caused me to blossom in the growing trellis of God’s presence around me, within me and as it presents itself through me. I intentionally chose not to use people’s names to respect confidentiality, but more importantly to help me focus on the ‘auto’ part of this biography. In Chapter Three, I describe a brief history of children’s spiritual formation followed by a discussion of three contemporary resources that respect the dignity and rights of a child to determine her/his own path. From these considerations I created, “Ring Around the Rosie with God,” a hybrid model for family ministry that integrated the experiential learning about God from Young 4 Children and Worship (Stewart & Berryman 1989) with the hospitality of community of Messy Church (Moore & Leadbetter, 2012, 15) delivered in an Anglican environment, known as Friday Family Food Fun and Faith (5F). In Chapter Four, I present my Action Research Project focused on introducing the concepts of co-learning and inquiry language to the existing family ministry as inspired by the Reggio Emilia Approach. The evolving process of creating four Documentation artefacts from the observations, wonderings and interpretations with the children as consultants concludes with a reflection on the outcomes and implications of the research. Chapter Five is a reflection on my experience of doctoral studies, how it has satisfied my yearnings, and where I find myself as I am let to dance under a new rose arbour to the garden God has waiting for me. 5 CHAPTER 2: ROUND AND ROUND GOD’S GARDEN, A SPIRITUAL AUTOBIOGRAPHY “Roses can be one of the most temperamental flowers to grow.” (D’Atri 2015) I came to find that women (although there must be many exceptions) are naturally at ease within themselves; that they find within their own integrated body-mind-spirit a sustaining core of harmony and love, which many men look for in the heavens. Women tend to see all things around them as revelatory, revealing totality and completeness and a numinous quality. To see things in this way a certain attention has to be given, which women are good at. It is not the kind of attention with which one acquires knowledge but rather that which happens when one lets go all concepts and becomes open to what is there. Then what occurs is not so much an understanding as a ‘being at one with’, even a ‘being taken up by’, a clarity of expansion and liberation which at the same time seems to be the very deepest sort of relationship. (Bancroft 1990) Reflecting on my spiritual life has been a novel, convoluted, challenging, and revealing process. Working through yet again the many turns of my journey with a focus on the spiritual has helped clarify my deep longing for acceptance and belonging that have tripped me up on the way. Part of that clarity was not possible until I had created the model and completed the research for “Witnessing to the Presence of God in the Action and Voice of Children.” The assessment tool for observing helped me to recognize within myself attributes of the Holy Spirit that have been present since my early childhood. Much of my spiritual life seems 6 to have been a search for a “sustaining core of harmony and love,” that women are said in Bancroft’s words to find within “their own integrated body-mind- spirit.” She speaks of these attributes “as revelatory, revealing totality and completeness and a numinous quality.” In retrospect, much of my journey has been trying to be in harmony and love with the practices and unknown doctrines “which many men look for in the heavens.” The church and its teaching were my guide for social development. When I ventured beyond that safety, I was exposed to ideas and practices that were unknown or not spoken about in my context. I have often wondered why early on, my teaching avocation shifted from high school music and Core French, in which I was trained, to French Immersion or Music with primary and special needs students. Similarly, in my vocation of ministry I was steered from pulpit ministry to pastoral counselling. This shifting towards an individual’s learning process and nurturing reflects my own journey of learning by doing, which is more of relational than an academic approach. Working with young children and a growing recognition of their innate ability to learn, I have experienced the nuances of the language and permission of “not so much an understanding as a ‘being at one with’, even a ‘being taken up by’, a clarity of expansion and liberation which at the same time seems to be the very deepest sort of relationship” (Bancroft 1990, viii). When I started to question my training from my parents and institutions, I found few people who would or could guide me in an affirming way. To support others and ultimately for my own needs, education became a path to satisfy my curiosity, normalize my experiences and ultimately to find the language to express the same. Though I knew my 7 experiences were real and not unique, I have often felt frustrated when others didn’t believe me or used their position of authority to silence me by proclaiming my ideas and needs as fanciful or irrational. For the sake of belonging, I learned to move at the border of others’ expectations, an often-lonely place. Yet it is in these gray areas that I feel the most alive, creative, energized and ‘bien dans mon peau.’ It is in these experiences that an inner authority is called up, that inspires and assures me that though I am solitary, I am not alone, that I am a beloved child of God. In joining in play, the work of children, I have found the courage to accept, explore and encourage this inner sense, first in them and then in myself. This permission to journey with children invokes the dancing, singing, tumbling and rising up that can be anticipated in a game of Ring Around the Rosie. There is no definitive source for this rhyme, though there are several accounts that point to explaining life events to children. With that lens I now understand the major stages of my life as different times of pruning, first as a natural stage due to replanting to an independent life, second due to disease, and thirdly by necessary choice. For the most part, my life has been grafted, but I believe a seed of the Holy Spirit has always been present, waiting to be nurtured or even pollinated into a new form. Music and the arts, family and the church have been the delivery for fertilizing my spirit, with the percentage, quality and content of nutrients fluctuating with the brand of the day. Sometimes my impatience sent me in search of what was missing. Other times I was inspired to search for what I lacked from 8 within myself. I have not always been good at the watering of my soul’s creativity especially when a butterfly happens by. Through working with my own and other children I have come to understand and recognize the symptoms of Dyslexia and ADHD that manifest themselves in me. Slowly I have learned to listen to the tune, tone and timbre of my tenacious spirit to gauge my energy output. The study for my DMin is a choice to use the academic model to clarify my yearning for acceptance and belonging. It has affirmed what I have always known. It starts from within. When all is in balance, my soul sings. Grafted from Eastern European Roots The most influential gardener of my early life was my mother. I would not understand the full impact of this until my forties. Both my mother’s and father’s families emigrated from Eastern Europe in the late 1920s to Southern Ontario, near Windsor. They were raised in different religious traditions: Roman Catholic/Reformed, and Greek Catholic respectively. In deference to their different heritages they were married by a pastor from the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) a progressive, ecumenical, North American denomination. As the youngest of four children, I learned attitudes and practices about family and civil authority either directly from my mother or from the actions of my siblings. As the youngest in the family by 5 years, I was able to observe my mother’s reactions to my siblings and work to keep her happy. I took mental notes of what to do or not do. Most of the time this wasn’t too difficult. If I wanted or needed anything she was the one who provided it. While my siblings were around 9 and took her attention, I didn’t feel restricted because I wasn’t so adventurous as to go beyond the boundaries my mother had set. By the time I came along, my parents were well acclimatized to North American life. Other than the Hungarian hour on Sunday afternoons and some ethnic dishes, my life seemed similar to the children of other immigrant parents I grew up with. Everyone’s grandparents dressed in sombre clothing and spoke a language other than English. The neighbourhood was a place where energy was put into building a successful life and living peaceably. The local shopping district functioned like a small town, with a collection of cultures, languages, races and religions working together. I learned religious and cultural respect among my peers at school. Christian practices and precepts were learned in Sunday School, through congregational involvement in the community, church camp and later, Ontario Christian Youth Fellowship (OCYF), the provincial youth gathering of the Disciples church. Congregational gatherings also provided a safe place for social grooming through dramatized pageants, potluck dinners, public speaking, music performances and social service in co-operation with other churches in the community. I have one memory of my family working the tuck shop and serving refreshments at a local seniors’ home. My mother insisted on ecumenical openness to other denominations and faiths. The nursery school I attended was at a local United Church. On Sunday mornings, we parked our cars in the synagogue lot across the street. I attended Brownies at a Salvation Army Church and Guides at a Roman Catholic Church (RC). I was told, but also understood, to respect ritual boundaries unless invited 10 in. I was welcomed to attend Sunday Mass along with my Guide unit for Thinking Day Sunday, February 22, but I was to stay in the pew when the other girls my age went to the rail to receive communion. In some ways the boundary provided for privileges. Because I could not participate in Religion badge work at Guides, I had individual instruction with my minister. I felt a bit special having these personal classes in the church where I was encouraged to ask all the questions about the church and God that I wanted. In high school, the questions continued and deepened when as a substitute for the lack of a youth group at my church I attended Youth for Christ activities at my school. I participated in Bible studies where many new questions arose including, was I born again? This terminology was not in my religious lexicon. I knew that confirmation was a teenage rite of passage in many churches. I had chosen to delay a believer’s baptism until I felt that I chose to follow the faith’s teachings. But now I was confused. Being a sinner that needed salvation, what I came to identify as a hallmark of the evangelical movement of the 70s, was foreign to me. The Disciples, a movement based in missions, education and social justice spoke of action not doctrine. I had never heard of original sin so had no context for the concept of justification and redemption as others had explained it. Atonement was described as simply being at one with God. Sin, I had worked out, was being out of relationship with God and God’s world. The Seed of the Spirit is Watered With the guidance and support of the Disciples minister to youth, I was 11 introduced to the idea of the Holy Spirit being something more than a new formula spoken at the end of church services in response to the liturgical reform movement. What I first thought was a signal of a denomination defining and remaking itself in harmony with other mainline denominations by invoking the Trinity became the window of awareness of a living entity that no one could really describe. Under the youth minister’s patient guidance and prayer, I stopped trying to understand with my head and just accepted that I knew this Spirit within myself. After attending a week-long Youth Conflict Institute in Detroit, I ran out of arguments for not being affirmed in the faith. Alone in my room, with my eyes squeezed tight, following the formula I had heard spoken by others, I asked Jesus to come into my heart. In my tradition, I affirmed Peter’s confession that Jesus is the Son of the Living God. The tingling in my head was probably more a blood rush from tension release, but the decision felt right, though odd because God in some form had always been with me. With a formal choice made, I requested believer’s baptism. Because my faith support community was the OCYF, I asked that the ritual to be celebrated at an event hosted in Mississauga by the joint Disciples/United Church congregation. The immersion tank at the campus had not been completed, so in true ecumenical spirit, we used the baptismal tank at a nearby church. Coming out of the freezing cold water, I felt the chills were from an energy that I knew viscerally, that inspired and spurred, calmed and comforted, transitioned and transcended, were real, and having completed the rite, I could claim them. I felt it when I sang hymns in church or played bassoon in a music 12 theatre production. It was in the movement of my pencil and brush when I painted the images for a culminating mural inspired by Gustav Holst’s musical suite The Planets, a nod to the influence of the television show Star Trek at the time, and the pioneering energy I felt to explore the unknown. It was behind the respect and responsibility I was given as I progressed in the Guiding movement and took on swimming instruction as a summer job. The Holy Spirit was within me and I was glad about it. I just didn’t know how to explain it to others and be believed. As much as I had learned religious tolerance and academic integrity from her, my mother did not see Bible College as a viable study path. Her practical solution that she would only pay for my university education if I attended the University of Windsor prevailed. I could study music only if I pursued the teaching track. I was obedient and continued working as a lifeguard instructor during the summer to pay for my books. Teaching was to be my secular career with the sound of music, the medium to feed me. Exposed to Sunlight University was a whirlwind of practicing, performing and attending concerts. I learned about the history of religion and the role it played in music, from the chants of Gregory to the glorias of Handel to the minimalism of Philip Glass. As a performer, I was able to play sacred music and participate in the RC liturgy in a way that no one questioned. There are few moments more inspiring to a young musician than accompanying a full-voiced choir singing a mass setting. For a Protestant to experience this in the balcony of a gilded Roman Catholic 13 place of worship vested and decorated for Christmas was a privilege I enjoyed several times at the Church of the Holy Ghost Fathers in Detroit. Music crosses boundaries that polity cannot. I studied under professors who were travelled performers and celebrated composers on the Canadian scene. Their concerts were among the many performances we were required to attend to enhance our knowledge of the repertoire as well as support our peers. It was in my final year of study that a chance meeting at one of these concerts would channel the direction of my first garden planter. Arriving at the first major choral concert of September, accompanied by my best friend and her boyfriend, we happened upon the man who had rented her parents’ house while the family was away on sabbatical. Though he was older, he seemed nice enough, so we sat with him. After the concert he drove me home. I was surprised when a few weeks later he called to ask me out on a date. I hemmed and hawed. I’d been maintaining a long-distance relationship for several years and excused myself as I needed to focus on preparing for my recital in January. I offered that if he attended my recital I would go to a concert with him. He attended my recital. I went out for dinner and a concert. This acquaintance appeared again that June when the University of Windsor School of Music was hosting the 30th anniversary of the Canadian League of Composers. All available students were enticed to volunteer for the many concerts, workshops and lectures in exchange for free admission. One concert I was eager to attend was being held in the newly restored Orchestra Hall 14 in Detroit. I had learned about the details of the work from my bassoon instructor, a member of the Detroit Symphony who was also on the renovation committee. I didn’t mind when my instructor would alternate breathing and focus exercises with tales of the latest varnish experiments. This focused breathing of Yoga would become an important life skill. The varnish stories made me aware of the invisible subtleties of acoustic resonance that warm the sound of a room not dissimilar to the subtleties of the Spirit. Signed up to work the concert, all I needed was a ride. The problem was solved when this acquaintance asked if I would attend a concert with him. I named the concert in Detroit. The next week, I graduated with an Honours Bachelor of Music minoring in French. Shaking Off the Soil of Early Life To enhance the French component of my studies, I spent that summer studying in Nice, France. I managed two weekend excursions, one alone and one with a peer, where my growing fluency and confidence were tested. I ended the time with ten days of solo travel back to Paris. My French speaking improved because of the practice and correction I received from the friends I made among the European students on campus. One friendship still endures. My understanding of the university culture and being an adult living away from home were more of a struggle than I expected, with no one in whom I could confide. From an early age, I had a habit of talking with God throughout my day. At times, God was like an imaginary companion. At others, God was a debate partner with whom I got angry. But in those moments of potential mishap far from home, I hung onto God 15 as my protector and frequently expressed thanks, grasping God’s metaphorical hand until I was back in a safe space. When I returned to Canada, I was officially living away from home for the first time: the first loosening of the soil I had been planted in from childhood. Attending teachers’ college in London I shared an apartment with my best friend from high school, though we led our own lives. For the first time, after five years of faithful correspondence, my boyfriend and I would be free to spend time together when and as we wished. We became engaged, intending to marry quietly when I got a job. Our parents’ reactions were mixed. His parents, who had hosted me in their home and at their cottage, were cautiously accepting. My mother was clearly against the idea, declaring that I needed to finish my schooling and get a job first. That spring, I accepted a job teaching grade two French Immersion in Oshawa. By the time August rolled around, we were no longer seeing each other. Knowing no one else in Toronto, I called my concert-attending acquaintance as he had since moved to Brampton. Now, as a friend, he was a great moral support during my transition to a new home and career. We would visit on weekends when he would listen to my frustrations and distract me with concert going but during the week I needed to test out my resilience on my own. Repotted That year, I learned that I needed to anchor myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually, as well as academically. I contacted the local orchestra then went to search for a church to call home. My thinking was, if I 16 didn’t show up for Sunday worship, someone might notice and check up on me. In reality that was naive, but I still held the notion that church was a place to find and build a supportive community and where I could put down roots. With no Disciples church in town, and pulled by a loyalty to a three-denomination ecumenical conversation in co-operation in 1971, I attended a United Church. The experience was pleasant, but there was no celebration of the Lord’s Table, something I knew I wanted and needed. The next Sunday, I sought out the third denomination and attended the local Anglican Church, where I enjoyed not only the Eucharist but also a full processional choir. I attended the next rehearsal. An older woman in the choir befriended me, assuring me that Sunday Morning Prayer, when no Eucharist was celebrated, was a bi-weekly event. I realized I craved not only the musical challenge of plainchant, but coming from a religious practice that was plain and flexible, the colour and artistry of the ritual would give me some structure on which to hold. Yet, in obedience to my upbringing, I transferred my membership from the Windsor congregation to the Disciples Church in Toronto, where my friend and I attended bi-weekly worship so I didn’t miss communion. To satisfy his religious obligation, we also attended mass at the RC parish church conveniently on our way to his parents’ home. Members of the Redemptorist Order (CSsR) who had founded the church were also close friends of the family, a connection that would resurface later in our lives. With my social and spiritual supports in place, I focused on the reason I was in Oshawa, my job. I was trained to teach secondary school music and French. I was hired to teach grade 2 French Immersion. I knew I had a lot to learn 17 as my experience with primary children was limited to swimming instruction. Following curriculum provided by other teachers, I developed a language programme which included a new song each week. From a parent’s suggestion I added American Sign Language to the children’s singing. Most parents, whom I saw daily when they fetched their children in the days before bussing, were very helpful and seemed pleased with their children’s progress. Some instructed me on their child’s specific needs, for example, techniques to manage ADHD. Others assisted me by preparing class materials or snacks for parties. One came and helped with Physical Education classes. This new experiment in teaching young children was bursting in green shoots. What I was not prepared for was behaviour concerns and parents who defended them. Having not trained among them, I was not aware that all children did not have innate self-discipline. In a high school setting, I had been taught to rely on the administration to manage behaviour irregularities. I quickly learned that this would not work in lower school. Though the principal was pleasant, he was not instructive at providing interventions in behaviour management or appeasing parents. I quickly learned the techniques of Behaviour Modification and accessed resource teachers to help adapt programming. Yet I continued to sense the pressure from one dissatisfied parent. A teacher suggested I turn to the union for support. This was the beginning of a career-long investment in the evolving teachers’ federation. However, at the end of the probationary year, against all advice, I resigned my position rather than be fired. A group of supportive parents held a recipe and best wishes party for my future wedding to 18 my now fiance the next autumn. The receiving staff at my next school, as an occasional contract at Jack Miner Senior Public located at the Scarborough Bluffs would also extend their best wishes. My fiance and I had attended an engagement weekend earlier in the spring, at Queen of Apostles Renewal Centre, a ministry of the Oblates of Mary. The presentation focused on the importance and regular practice of communication for nurturing a relationship. The renewal centre would be a place I would return to, having felt welcomed and valued for myself. The summer in between was spent planning for the reception and preparing space for me in the house in Brampton. Until the wedding, I stayed at the home of my fiance’s sister and her husband in Toronto. Their generous hospitality included stories about their own journey to marriage, both having left their respective commitments in religious life to fulfill their vocation and witness as a couple. At the time, they were also welcoming a young adopted daughter. With fresh insight into young children and their development, I helped where I could. In preparation for the wedding celebration, my fiance and I spent a lot of time communicating about the ceremony, trying to find and express a harmony between our traditions that expressed the importance of faith in our lives. The co- presiders, the church minister and a Basilian priest, were agreeable to the liturgy we prepared. The presence of a priest in a Protestant church was a recently approved innovation. He also brought consecrated host to serve beside the presentation of the Lord’s Supper allowing for communion to be received by all 19 who wished to participate. As the minister said in his message, “Today, a rip is repaired in the torn garment of Christ.” After that October celebration in 1983, I commuted daily across the 401 from Brampton. Because I would arrive early for band practice, I only had time to interact with staff after school hours. Having lived a relatively harmonious and stable teenage life not distracted by boys, now was my time to learn about the anxiety of peer pressure, hormonal attraction and the effect of parental separation among prepubescent youth. I developed a friendship with the art teacher, a peer with a similarly creative mind and welcomed him to our home for a yearly Hanukkah-Christmas celebration until he married and had children of his own. Prompted by this, my husband and I continued to explore and celebrate traditions of the Jewish faith and how they influenced Christian festivals as our own family grew. The next year presented a time for self-evaluation. I started the fall working an occasional contract in Scarborough and ended the next spring covering a maternity leave, teaching Core French at the school near our home. That winter in between, not having a teaching contract, I stewed over not having an income to pay for household and personal expenses. Though my husband assured me that I did not need to work, as it was his place to provide for our family, after I had renovated both bathrooms, I recognized that I needed to work for my own sense of self-worth. In September of 1985, I was hired to teach grade 2 French Immersion. This was the beginning of 34 years of spreading roots in the Peel District School 20 Board. I am grateful for the many opportunities to teach children music and French from ages 4 to 12 years. Once I learned the discipline of the daily routines that young children needed to thrive in a classroom, the younger children became my preferred group to teach. Though they didn’t have the developmental skill sets for learning intricate music, they showed me that, when encouraged, their wonder and imagination would allow them to explore and experiment in ways older children either had been taught not to respond or had lost the magic for. My job was to learn to respect this and be flexible in programming for their individual needs and safety so they could bloom. When I started having my own children, I was able to select part-time jobs that were exclusively teaching music, allowing me the opportunity for creativity with the flexibility of a planning time teacher. This freedom with the curriculum and teaching in limited time periods worked well for me. Though at first it was tedious and lonely, I later recognized that I thrived on the activity. Over time, I would also come to understand that my attraction to children was as much for my own needs as an affinity to their responsiveness. New Soil and New Fertilizer My career now established in Brampton, my husband and I made intentional efforts to be involved in our local neighbourhood and learn more about the cultural and religious diversity around us. Though we still attended the two churches in Toronto, we agreed that we needed church communities closer to home. The neighbourhood RC church was three blocks from our house. Unlike 21 my previous experiences with some RC priests, I was warmly welcomed and invited to participate in the life of the church, including a Parish Retreat led by two Redemptorist priests my husband knew. Though receiving communion was not an option, with the priests’ implementation of teachings of Vatican II, I was encouraged to join the communion procession to receive a blessing. My fascination and questions about the rituals of the RC church were answered and enriched by reading the newly published Catechism of the Catholic Church (1994). Though I felt welcome in this parish, I was not satisfied. I needed a connection with the Eucharist and empowered lay leadership. In an attempt to be closer to home, I started attending the DOC/ UCC congregation where I had been baptized. The congregation was welcoming but many of the founding families I had known had moved on. As well, the ecumenical rapprochement between the two denominations was changing. When the congregation voted to establish an independent building at a different location, those loyal to the Disciples charter eventually established a home-based church. I was not interested enough to participate in this venture, but did accept the invitation to attend when the start-up congregation established regular worship in a rented community hall. To hand on my faith heritage to my children, I was ready to give it a try. However, the distance would not satisfy my need for community and local childcare. Nine months pregnant, with the knowledge that one of the best places to find teen-aged babysitters was a church, and at the suggestion of the mother of one of my students, I attended Christmas Eve midnight mass at St. Joseph of 22 Nazareth Anglican Church. It was conveniently located across the creek from the church where my husband was attending services. The blend of candles, music and a thoughtfully delivered sermon that brought the story of Nazareth into our time was what I had needed. Throughout my own church polity struggles, this would be the congregation to which I would return. A New Shoot My son was born January 5, the day before Epiphany. My mother and father soon joined my older brother, who had been visiting. My mother was prepared to stay for several weeks after the two men left. Unfortunately, a shoulder injury she had incurred a few years earlier made it difficult for her to lift the newborn or tend the laundry machines where the most help was needed. We thanked her and saw her board the train back home a week later. Having created our own wedding liturgy, my husband and I discussed how we would celebrate our child’s birth ritually. The next Easter vigil, I proudly processed my son through the RC congregation for his christening. The next morning, along with his godparents, he was presented before the Mississauga DOC community. This tradition of dual celebration was continued with all of our children, though the venues and denomination shifted. Home with a new baby, I needed to find my way around my community and my own self. I was bored and alone. People had always gathered or come to me through music groups or my job. Now I had to make the effort to go and meet them. Though limited by snow, I walked around the neighbourhood but saw few 23 people about, so I ventured to a local pool where babysitting was offered during swim sessions. An acquaintance I met at the pool suggested a friend who might be interested in tending my son when I went back to work, as she preferred a teacher’s schedule. In the spring, I went to meet and greet this woman and was thrilled with how she interacted with and provided a safe space both in her home and backyard for the young children to explore. Thus began a relationship that would nurture me as well as my children for the next dozen years. Though paid to care for first my son, then my other children in turn, this woman did not push the children at me when I came to fetch them, but offered me a coffee and chat while the young ones played at the table or were entertained by her own older children just home from school. I was delighted to learn that she would take them to a mother and pre-school children’s programme at the Christian Reformed Church she attended. I looked forward to one day joining this time of Bible study and social support among women. I didn’t have long to wait. February 14, 1990, now at a new school, the plan to take my grade five students to a Music Festival Competition was suddenly changed. Fortunately, the piano accompanist was a volunteer who was able to take over leading the class. Two hours after I had been scheduled to lead the performance, my first daughter was born. As clients of the new family-based model for healthy delivery, visiting hours were extended. A few hours after my husband had left to attend to our son, our sitter’s husband arrived with champagne on behalf of himself and his wife, who was overseas. In time, the two of them became like brother and sister to us, helping with simple house repairs and stopping in for tea. A few years later, the 24 husband and I would ride-share to Toronto, giving us an opportunity to discuss world events and family life. Our daughter was christened on Easter afternoon, having been presented for the celebration of the naming of a child earlier that day at the Anglican Church next door. By this time I had determined that though my church heritage was important, transporting two young children alone for an hour of worship where I would be tending them as well as other people’s children would not satisfy my spiritual need as I would be too distracted. The congregation of St. Joseph’s warmly welcomed me. Along with a few other mothers with young children, I learned more about presenting the Bible, faith traditions and spiritual practices to young children as we developed family-friendly feast day and vacation Bible school programmes. The present-day Good Friday family service continues this tradition of delivering the Christian story in an experiential, child-friendly community format. The congregation was also between music directors. Having learned some of the contemporary liturgical community hymns through my activities with the RC church next door, I offered my musical skills to lead the Sunday worship. One of the innovations of these new folk-style songs was community singing using scripture as the text. I personally was delighted with the change from singing metaphors about faith and doctrinal practices that I did not believe. With this blend of fertilizer, I bloomed. All of this activity was possible because I chose a part-time work schedule that allowed me the time to attend to my own needs and those of my two young 25 children in the morning, while satisfying my need for stimulation and learning in the afternoon. For some stability, rather than teach music, I chose to teach half- day kindergarten to expand on the ideas to which I was introduced during the summer of 1987, when my husband and I had attended a Primary Methods course in England. Teaching with a partner in a pod space, I learned how to channel my ideas for learning to the child’s interest and focus by providing a safe environment for exploration and experiential learning. Planning, preparation and presentation unfolded as a team, which included the newly introduced partnership of a teaching assistant assigned to support classes where children with identified needs were present. Never having had the opportunity to ‘team-teach’, I found the experience rewarding and liberating as well as humbling. There was so much I didn’t know about this community of young children. I was blessed to be able to learn from my more experienced colleagues and glean ideas for my own family from children’s parents. As the adult in the room, I was responsible to provide routines and practices that encouraged each child to develop self-care and self- discipline independent of their parent. Having spent my career up to this point teaching alone in an isolated space, the only feedback I’d received for my efforts was from the students. Now I had the opportunity to collaborate with my peers and consider their needs as well as those of the children. Ten years into my career, the demographics of the students in my class in Brampton were very different from my beginnings in Oshawa, where most of the students were of a homogenous culture and race. I found the diversity delightful. I was stimulated by the opportunity for professional development at different places 26 of worship that reflected the experiences of the children. With a growing social practice towards inclusion in public schools, I revelled in creating a class calendar that included the feast days and recognitions in the various traditions, supported with relevant artefacts in the classroom for the students to explore. Though I had collected many resources from which to pull ideas, I was learning to look through and listen to the children and observe how they responded rather than expect them to do what I thought best. I was learning from and with them. When this happened, the classroom activity blossomed and everything flowed easily. With a change in teaching partners, I had to accept that not everyone was convinced of the benefit of child-focused learning. Pregnant for the third time, I was afforded a graceful exit to a new adventure. Watch out for Fungus and Disease My second daughter was born at the end of August 1995, just short of Labour Day. Despite some discomfort and sleeplessness from the summer heat, or so I thought, everything was routine until I started into labour. The contractions were familiar, but the high anxiety was not, and I didn’t know how to manage it. After the routine delivery, life did not fall back into place. Supported by the observations of the attending midwife who knew me, I was diagnosed with post- partum depression. I was in the habit of keeping a daily journal but later recognized that there was at least one day of which I had no recollection. Only a letter I somehow wrote to my newly born daughter gave a hint of my awareness that I was heading down a place of no return. 27 Because breast-feeding was the only thing I felt I could accomplish successfully, I declined medication. Our friend and childcare provider took the two older children during the day while my husband stayed with me. My parents were asked to wait before coming to visit as, even together, they were physically not able to manage the baby and the children. It was a family friend, a nurse who had also experienced post-partum depression, who broke the spell of anxiety. One evening, while others were in the kitchen celebrating with the new father, she came up to the bed in which I was frozen. Unlike our other friends, she was not shocked at my condition having suspected as much when she witnessed the birth. She gently massaged my feet and hands and with a soothing tone encouraged me with these words, “Let go. Everything will be all right. The children will be taken care of. You don’t need to worry.” I succumbed. I remember thinking to myself, “God! If you are there, now’s the time if ever,” as in my mind’s eye I saw myself falling in a backlit tunnel. “I can’t do it anymore. It’s in your hands!” and... I let go. As I could not tolerate being alone and/or fully caring for the baby, several things happened. Home nursing care during the day was prescribed for two weeks. The personal support worker was very helpful and gave me some simple advice that she attributed to Julian of Norwich: “Accept it. Go with the flow. This too will pass.” On her last day, she revealed to me that I was her first assignment, having just lived through depression herself. I was more able to function, but I was of little help to my husband in the evening. Not knowing what to do with me, he suggested I go to evening mass to 28 have some time to myself. I knew I could manage it, as the church was two blocks from the house to which we had moved. Still believing that the church is a place to go to when you need help, I went the next morning again, this time with the baby. After mass, I met with the priest in his office and asked him to pray for my husband and the children as I was falling apart. I also explained that though I was not a Roman Catholic, I was a committed Christian and that the Eucharist was an important part of what I needed. He did not question it. With the support of a parishioner who had early childhood training, my husband and I accepted the need to hire a nanny for support in the morning. For three months, this young woman attended to the three children and took the older two on outings until I was strong enough to manage myself. By the end of September, I was able to walk my son to junior kindergarten, having arranged for a neighbourhood playmate to bring him home. Though hired to tend the children, the nanny was an encouragement for me as she shared her own recovery from depression and the benefits of therapy. By January, I was strong enough to manage on my own and was ready to face what was to come. When I first spoke with my mother after my daughter was born, it was evident that she could not understand what I was going through. I’d had to excuse myself from the phone when her advice boiled down to “buck up, the family needs you.” From that point, all phone calls were screened. My mother then sent weekly newsy letters concluding with advice intended to strengthen me. Instead it demoralized me. It was hard enough for me to read at all or watch movies or the news on television let alone manage an emotional challenge, so my 29 husband and I had agreed to delay a visit until now. My parents were invited to come for the baby’s christening (RC) and birthing celebration (Anglican) held the Sunday of the Week of Prayer for Christian Unity. It was arranged that they would stay at a local motel, rather than in our home as, with three children, it would be too noisy. This also guaranteed that I would never be alone with my mother. Pruning Begins Having managed the first extended family event, I was ready to deal with the anger that had started bubbling during my recovery. Much of it was anger at my mother and her expectations. For most of my life, I had dutifully tried to honour her advice as prescribed to do in the Bible, but the time had come when that had to stop. I needed to stop blaming her for my dissatisfaction, make my own choices for my life and family and accept responsibility for them. As well as counselling, this included a series of individual spiritual retreats and much later, a couples’ weekend where my husband and I explored the Enneagram and I learned that we were exact opposites. The cracks I was feeling in our relationship were reparable but it would take work by both of us and I would need to learn more. This return to study was also sparked by my intense reflection during the women’s Bible study group I attended. But it was not enough. With encouragement from some colleagues and clergy from the three denominations I frequented, I applied for and was accepted at St. Michael’s College, University of Toronto in the part-time MDiv programme, starting the 30 spring of 1994. To be back at school was exhilarating. I was finally studying theology and found it fascinating. This was a whole new world of insights and interactions. I intentionally chose St. Michael’s University College, a liberal arts school and a member of the Toronto School of Theology as my college home because a member of the RC/DOC ecumenical dialogue team was on staff. If no one else knew who the Disciples were, she did. In time and through her connections, I would complete a required, not-yet-created, distance course in Disciples history. The Basilian priests, professors, lay staff, and students welcomed me in the community and worship life, including the Eucharist. I was alive again! However, study was also frustrating. I knew I had to accept and conform to rigid academic writing structure and style. This was a part of my challenge, to learn the lexicon and find a way to express the experience of God that I knew, to grow to my fullest in the garden box where I was temporarily planted. Because of the Disciples’ ecumenical stance, I had the freedom of taking courses in all of the seven colleges of the theology school. Now was my opportunity to learn about the different denominations from as close to the source as possible. There were times I envied the clear direction students from other denominations were required to follow. Over time I participated in several conferences of the North American Academy of Ecumenists where I learned the difference between academic and applied theology. Though presenters would debate and even agree on different points of ecumenical doctrine, when it came to worship, the rules of polity held around exclusion at the Lord’s Table. 31 Following the theological course curriculum was gratifying, as well as confounding and demystifying. Through all of the required reading of philosophical and historical social viewpoints that informed doctrine, church polity and schism, I came to understand that social history was as much an actor in the development of Christianity as was God. I came to understand the practical nature of the holy rituals I witnessed and understood that cultural interpretations often prevailed. Time spent at ecumenical functions bolstered this, but I have gotten far ahead of myself. To enjoy this study, I had to work out the logistics. My son now took a bus to full-day school, and the girls continued with afternoon care. I returned to work part-time taking courses at night, managing the house and children’s needs in between. That first spring I started theology study, we also became aware of an ecumenical gathering that acknowledged Inter-Church families. The timing and location were perfect. We left after I finished my summer course in July and camped our way to the east coast. After attending the Disciples All-Canada Convention in Liverpool, N.S., we ferried across the channel to the ecumenical event in St. John’s, Newfoundland. One of the major foci of the inter-church conference was the importance of the foundational document Baptism, Eucharist and Ministry (World Council of Churches 1982) when considering dialogue or action among different Christians. Member churches of the World Council of Churches had come to a consensus that baptism under any rite was to be universally accepted. Ministry in many cases was transferable. The one exclusion to this was the consecration and reception of the Eucharist. Eucharistic or 32 consecration at the Lord’s Table would remain the rite of the ordained in many polities; however, reception of communion, particularly among Protestants, would become more open as well as inclusive of children. An informed leader suggested that for pastoral reasons, under extreme circumstances, non-communicants of the RC church might receive the Eucharist. I now understood how I could quietly support the growth of my branches in the trellis of the RC regulations. On our return from St. John’s, I settled into a routine of family care, work, courses, children’s church and worship in my congregation. My own knowledge was being enhanced and deepened, my skill sets were being received and validated, and my spirit was blossoming again, and so was my body. Disease Prevention and Clearing Dead Heads After my experience with post-partum depression and my successful return to work and study, we had sought out restorative and preventative advice from the top psychiatrist in the field in Toronto. Depression is triggered by diet, lack of exercise, stress and hormonal change. I had intentionally worked to change my lifestyle and family routines to manage these attributes. Early in September of 1995, before our fourth child was born, my mother and father had come to visit. My father enjoyed taking the older children to the store for treats or on walks to the park behind our house. However, I could see that my mother struggled at withholding her disapproval of what I was doing, raising children, working and going to school. This was odd coming from a woman with such a fighting spirit for equal opportunity and women as business 33 leaders. Yet, she was of the same generation as my mother-in-law, who felt a woman’s place was to be limited and definitely not as an ordained minister of a church. Through professional therapy and supportive friends, I had realized that I could not please either mother no matter what I did. To prevent another bout of postpartum depression, I had to limit my stressors. To conserve my energy, I needed to trim the dead heads and clusters of branches to allow for fresh breezes to circulate. Sadly, I asked my father to understand that though I loved him and my mother, he needed to keep her away until I called them to visit. In anticipation of my need for added rest, home support and a year devoted to daytime classes, I planned to extend my maternity leave a second year. I had established routines and supports for the children. The anchors of my community were established through church activities in Brampton. Family traditions continued to be developed and shared, now with my informed knowledge. As the older children approached the age of sacraments in the RC church, I focused on their faith development in our home and among their friends. As a red ball of sun set on the eve of Rosh Hashanah, 1995, a baby girl was born. The birth was uneventful. We were all home sharing cuddles among our children before midnight. The intentional preparations resulted in a healthy postpartum recovery. Healthy Watering On leave from work, I took a semester leave from courses. There was no 34 rush. What a privilege! Thank you, my daughter. Having the leisure of daytime hours, I explored different gatherings I had known about for a long time, like the Women’s Inter-Church Council and Brampton Ministerial. January 1996, I returned to courses at the university, sharing the drive with my childcare provider’s husband. In gratitude for all the family had provided for me over the years, I asked him to stand as my daughter’s godfather. The Sunday of the Week of Prayer for Christian Unity, our daughter was presented in the morning at the Anglican church and christened at the RC church in the afternoon. In thanksgiving for full health, and with the encouragement of the parish priest, I sang the communion anthem. The priest also welcomed my request for the baby’s full immersion. All my wants for ritual had been fulfilled. Pollinating Seeds My studies to this point had been an academic experience. Now, in my final year, I knew I had to discern if I would seek ordination. With the academic credentials completed, it was now for the Disciple’s denomination to affirm my call with the laying-on-of-hands. Though I had a support community at the congregation in Toronto, the part-time, interim pastor was not ordained and so could not serve as a mentor. Serving a student placement at the Mississauga church provided opportunity but little guidance. In the spirit of ecumenicity and to provide wise counsel on my journey, it was mutually agreed that the Anglican priest at my local parish would provide this service. He also delivered the message at my ordination. 35 Four months before the culminating event, I sensed concern from my husband that the church would take me away from the family. As I understood my role as an ordained minister, undivided devotion to a church or congregation was not even a consideration. The Disciples hold that ordination is to Christian ministry, not exclusively to a pulpit or even to the denomination. Though it was not common in Canada, precedent had been set for ministers to hold positions as chaplains or employees for service agencies. There was no real demand for anything to change from the family routine we had. My ministry was to serve as a witness to whomever God sent to me or me to. In step with the circuit riding legacy of the Disciples founders, I had a Bible, horsepower and would travel to where I was sent. If I was not to serve in a church or an agency setting, then it would be at the school where I worked. Either way I saw myself as a vessel for God’s work. Ultimately it was God who was my authority. For a second time, we sought couples counselling to name and reframe our fears and needs. Where my workplace as a teacher had scratched the surface of my curiosity about other religions, it was a course in multi-faith studies through Regis College that gave me academic permission to intensely study Islam. With the agreement and encouragement of a teaching colleague, I read and we discussed the scriptures, rituals and historic development of her faith. I was humbled by my ignorance and upheld by her compassion and wisdom. What started as an academic exercise between friends led to a spiritual bond that mutually fed and carried us through life’s physical, spiritual and relational challenges. We never intentionally closed our eyes and prayed to Allah or God together, yet our 36 dialogue was so deep, vulnerable and respectful that it was like prayer. My course professor, who was the child of Muslim and Christian parents himself, commented on my assignment report, “Why had I not entered deeper?” I hadn’t thought it permissible because it would be breaking some kind of unwritten law about temptation. What might not be condoned as doctrinal obedience could have purpose for academic reason. A seed was pollinated. In the spring of 2000, as I was completing my studies, my soul friend was enduring the social isolation and physical agony of a bone marrow transplant. Unsure of her future health, before she entered the hospital we prepared flatbread to be used for communion at my ordination. Witnessed by family, many friends and ecumenical supporters, I was additionally blessed to see her arrive at the church for the ceremony, having been allowed home only the previous week. In my eyes, the event of my ordination was an opportunity to express the spiritual nature of my life and to thank the individuals and different communities who had journeyed with me to that moment. The date of my baptism, April 28, became also the day of consecration to ordained service. In the twenty-two years in between, I had experienced many more people, beliefs and practices than I could have imagined. I had learned about the importance of symbols and rituals in my life and strove to express this in a way that shared them yet would not offend persons who were more conservative in their practices. With no worship template to work with, I read Disciples ordination bulletins and rites from the various traditions of my colleagues. God took care of writing the liturgy one night in December when, instead of sleeping, I awoke and 37 scribed a draft of the full service. After that I slept peacefully. What, to one person, looked on paper to be a circus of confusion, to others was an opportunity to joyfully celebrate. I will not say that I did not struggle with the opinions of others who felt it was their place to correct and control me, or others whom I asked to participate. Accordingly, I adjusted the draft service of worship and moved the Sacred Circle Dance to the parlour before the service to save time and reduce scandal. I learned later that some clergy were disappointed, as they had been looking forward to celebrating with colleagues in a circle on the chancel platform. Some things I did not remove from the service, like the procession of the assembled clergy led by processional poles flying coloured ribbons with a gift of the spirit written on each strand. For any who expressed an interest, I tried to find some action or artefact for them to be involved in be it folding bulletins, reading a text, preparing the pulpit banner, embroidering my stole or assisting with vesting. Even the children participated as the recession involved cutting the ribbons and taking them out to the congregation. As hurdles presented themselves, I felt determined with God’s creative inspiration to find alternative options. When the invitation was issued for all ordained clergy to come forward for the laying-on-of-hands, as well as clergy and elders from Disciple churches, a Baptist, a Presbyterian, a United Church minister and a Basilian priest came forward as all others present were invited to extend their hand in the simple unifying gesture. My purpose in all of this activity was to help others, as the Anglican priest who had delivered the reflection challenged me, to find their 38 voice. I expressed my voice by singing, Sister, Let Me be Your Servant (Gillard 1977) and offered the song On the Journey to Emmaus (Haugen 1995) for the communion meditation. This was timely, as the ceremony was held the week after Easter. General Mulching When my husband and I had prepared our marriage liturgy we became closer. The focus of my studies and ordination was a project about my relationship with God. Intent on my own journey, I was not compensating for the gaps in our relationship as I had in the past. It was time to change that. With the academic journey complete and my own need for a rest, I proposed that we take the children out of school at the end of May and camp our way across Canada to the west coast and back. We were in Alberta when his elderly mother was admitted to hospital. I was adamant that this time was for our family and that I would continue alone with the children if he wanted to fly home to be with her. We motored on. She lived until we returned. With my studies complete, we resumed a routine of family activities and the tension between the two of us settled. I continued to serve the Mississauga congregation, preaching bi-weekly and preparing their youth for confirmation and baptism. Some of the elders saw it their place to challenge my teaching spiritual practices they were not familiar with. Other elders were intent on purchasing a property in a business park to establish a permanent church home. When my offer to provide a weekday drop-in ministry to the local businesses was overlooked, I 39 saw the proverbial writing on the wall. That Christmas Eve was my last service. I continued with the ecumenical ventures I had begun and did some supply preaching. But for the most part, I focused on watching for where my branches were to spread. With the number of Disciples churches in the area diminishing I knew that a pulpit ministry would not be handed to me, yet I felt somehow God had a place for me to flower. Throughout and after those years of study, I continued teaching part-time. Though I could not teach devotion to a religion, nothing stopped me from practicing the gospel of caring, compassion and encouragement with my students and staff. I remember the day, while waiting for a class to arrive, that I realized that each class period was like a mini church liturgy. They both had a structure of assembling, singing, presentation of new ideas, a time of reflection and integrating, and dismissal. I also sensed a similarity in the spirit of working together. My avocation was to teach the content of music. I saw now that my vocation was to provide the experience that would guide the students to make a group sound that was more than unison or harmony, but rather, synergetic and life giving. In theological terms, I had the opportunity to help the children move past their differences and experience reconciliation through song and movement. This shifted my focus from a teacher driven presentation to helping the children become aware of how each of them was a part of a group sound that resonated as one. To express this to the children, I coined the phrase, “Magic Music Moments” and encouraged them to become aware of when the magic happened and what it felt like. 40 Prompted by colleagues’ comments about children not listening attentively, I observed and analyzed the children’s posture, visual focus, attention span, and personal space awareness. These were things I knew as a musician to be foundational, but now I recognized them as life skills to be taught. I had instinctively done this since I started teaching, but now I chose to make ‘Magic Music Moments’ a learning goal I would customize, particularly for students who learned differently, especially cognitively and developmentally. It was the non- verbal students who taught me the most. Mainstream activities like drumming, though seeming simple, were often overwhelming and, for some children with limited voluntary muscle control, impossible. I began to experiment with instrumental sounds, specific songs and movements and watched how individual children reacted, modifying the sound to reduce sensory overstimulation. This led me to become aware of my own visceral reactions to different stimuli. I had often been told that what I sensed wasn’t real. Through observing these children, I started to recognize and accept that my ‘imaginary’ experiences and ‘creative’ ideas were valid cues to resolving my own physical and spiritual well-being. My own children’s social, spiritual, physical and cognitive needs also enhanced my limited experience. I was challenged personally, professionally and parentally. Socially, my children played with neighbourhood friends and were involved in Scouting and Guiding and church activities. Through their activities, I also met other parents. For spiritual enrichment, the girls came with me to Mississauga on Sundays, preferring the Sunday school and snacks to the role of altar server at the 41 local RC church that my son chose. When it came time for Confirmation, my son chose to participate in the instruction I was giving through my church and celebrated the rite with those peers as well as in the RC church. In turn, my daughters celebrated first communion when I no longer served a church. Through my children’s physical activities, I experienced many athletic and community activities beyond the swimming lessons and skating I knew as a child. Their interests in different activities piqued my curiosity but also stretched my worldview. Through my son, I learned of the differences in sports uniforms from Taekwondo to football. From the girls I learned about leotards, bodysuits and tap shoes. One year, when they all attended circus classes, I could only watch in awe as they experienced trampoline, hoops and silks. There is one notable exception: musical theatre and The Sound of Music. The first time I was introduced to this musical, I was in grade 8. I had just returned from a three-month absence from school due to hip surgery. Because I had missed auditions, I couldn’t participate as actively as I had the previous year. To feel involved, having mastered the skill of making crepe paper flowers while away, I made a big edelweiss intended for Maria to hold as she sang the song of the same name. The next year, 1973, my high school was performing the same musical but the full version. Accepted into the nun’s chorus, I wore a stylized habit, learned the chants and bowed when appropriate. I remember sharing this in jest with people at church. This was my only chance to be a nun as there were no religious orders in the Disciple church. I remember pondering, but not too 42 seriously, that maybe one day I might be a minister or even a missionary. The future would tell. The third time Mother Superior would be active in my life was in 2002. My middle daughter had successfully auditioned with the local music theatre company for the part of Marta. To participate, she required an adult to be present at rehearsals. So, I helped out with the costumes and joined the choir to give my voice a workout. I did not expect that I would be called to sing and act a stage part in full habit as one of the supporting trio of convent sisters. With my teenage hopes as a stage performer dashed because I had a reserved spot in the orchestra pit playing bassoon, this was a dream come true. The director was a person of faith and, on learning that I was studying theology, invited me to speak an invocation before each performance. My role as a faith leader was validated. Symbiotic Relationship Prompted by the learning needs of my children, diagnosed through private psycho-educational testing with kinaesthetic integration concerns or dyslexia with a combination of dysgraphia, dyscalculia or short-term memory needs, I was drawn into the deeper ground of special education in school and private remedial therapy. Before I could help my children, I first had to let the floor that had metaphorically dropped out from under me with the first diagnosis raise to ground level. Then I had to get past the mother-guilt, as I had done nothing wrong. I had always wanted to teach special education and had not been allowed to. Now I was getting a first-hand experience with the resources and skillsets to manage it. 43 Aware that my children’s behaviours had a root cognitive cause that could be managed, I was humbly grateful that there were no life-threatening or chronic physical, social or mental health concerns. I thanked God for this blessing. With this minor excursion into parenting distress, I became more empathetic to children with severe needs and parents with less access to resources. This was a lesson in parenting but also in professional development for supporting a child’s learning from school, the community and home. With excellent referrals from the diagnosing audiologist, I learned about specialized visual and auditory testing I never knew existed. From the specialists and therapists, I learned many easy visual tracking and co-ordination activities to increase focusing for memory and dyslexia. Being a primary educator, I was entrusted to monitor leading edge long-distance on-line computer-based neural reprogramming activities and deliver specific repetitive cognitive remedial therapies to fill in the learning gaps in language acquisition. I recognized some of the activities as games I played myself when I was bored. As my own handwriting was questionable, I was eager to learn about dysgraphia but was stunned by the sensory and occupational therapies that were suggested. I didn’t know how anxious I was while watching the assessment until the therapist offered a weighted pillow for my knees. Instant calm! I was shocked at my spontaneous reaction of calm, followed by intrigue at this world of sensory responsiveness. After completing two intensive workshops of the Davis Dyslexia Correction programme, I understood that dyslexia does not go away, but there are fun ways of learning to manage it. I had unknowingly developed some of those 44 strategies myself, but to help my children, I had first to accept the Gift of Dyslexia (Davis 1997) that was present in myself and do some self-focused work including calming activities to relax my own distractions from overstimulation. As a musician, I had never thought that rhythm or lack of it had anything to do with walking into furniture. I thought it had to do with being mentally pre- occupied. As well as being visually aware, avoiding furniture has to do with knowing where your body is in space without looking. This involves anticipation and timing of your movements. Watching my own children go through remedial therapy created opportunity for self-assessment, but also self-development through their learning. Music took on a new level of meaning as a life skill for memorizing, focusing and communicating as well as a performance art. My children’s enrolment at Oxford Learning provided strategies for developing specific executive skills and internalizing a personal routine for learning as well as identifying and filling in specific language gaps in the change from learning in French to learning in English. With prescribed learning accommodations as needed, all four children attended the regional arts school at some point, each specializing in a different medium that I had developed simultaneously in high school. In advocating for their learning needs, I didn’t realize how I was building up my reserves and strategies and worth to advocate for myself. For my part, classroom teaching was sufficiently active, but I had learned so much through my own children that it was not satisfying. At the same time, my ministry interest seemed to be leading away from the pulpit. To enhance my 45 understanding of how to extend compassion to my family as well as my students, I was granted an education leave the spring of 2002 to follow an intensive chaplaincy programme at Scarborough General Hospital. The internship was revealing, raw, reverberating, and humbling, as my pre-conceptions were knocked about like branches in a storm. It was also reassuring, restorative, revitalizing and renewing, like rain after a long winter that signals the arrival of spring. The instructor, noting my desire to develop relationships with clients, suggested that I pursue pastoral counselling. The next fall, enrolled in pastoral counselling, I was immersed in psychological theory and the practice of relational, self-psychology, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, family systems, and other foundational modes of therapy. My curiosity for knowing ‘why’, became reframed with phrases like ‘what if’, ‘and then’ and ‘I wonder.’ My listening was expanded from spoken language to include intentional observation of non-verbal and silent responses. I accepted the necessity of withholding my own answers to a client’s social dilemma or inner conflict to waiting and listening for the client’s readiness to reveal their own path of healing. I needed to get out of the way so they could heal and grow. My instructors and fellow students from diverse faiths and denominations were patient with my intensity, persistence and intuitive insights. Some enjoyed and encouraged it, particularly in daily liturgy. As we gained knowledge and experience, a few colleagues ventured to question the focus of this energy. The quiet voice of God spoke one day in my third year of the programme when a colleague quietly responded to my incessant questioning of some academic 46 content with, “Do you ever listen to yourself?” I stopped! Speechless! No one had ever invited me to do this for myself. I believe that was the first time I voiced my sense of feeling like Tinkerbell, the fairy trapped in a lantern or feeling like Peter Pan (Barrie 1911), being told to put away my ideas of adventure and grow up. I could see all that was happening but felt trapped in a square frame, unable to get out and act. Instead, I was making angry noises and stamping my feet. This colleague supportively stayed with me during a revealing session of Focusing therapy (Gendlin 1981). The image that was eventually uncovered was of myself as a pearl sitting inside its open shell. My understanding was that I was valued and valuable just as I was. Something that was hidden was starting to be exposed. It was not others who I was to bring to life, but myself. The revealing of the shape of my unique blossom was totally unexpected. Within the company of my peers, I was able to embrace it. In the last unit of the Pastoral Counselling instructional programme, senior students in pairs were required to research and present a specific aspect of therapy. I partnered with a female Anglican priest. Our topic was Alcoholic Recovery and the effect on families. I dutifully read books and took notes. We had divided up the contents for presentation. It wasn’t until I spread my materials across the floor of her office that I realized this was not a study of other people. This was a study about me! All of the characteristics of co-dependency and people pleasing, never being good enough, or being able to please the authority figure described me. My response to passive-aggressive behaviour reverberated in 47 my ears. This was my relationship with my mother. That saddened me. But more painful and clarifying to me, this was my relationship with my husband. Neither drank alcohol frequently so how could this be? I had never heard of co- dependency or dry drunks before now. I felt caught in a trap I never knew existed. “God! What have I done? Help!” There were only two other times I had felt this raw and vulnerable, my experience with post-partum depression and when my second daughter was diagnosed with auditory-processing disorder. In both cases I had to learn and believe that I was not to blame and that I had the personal resources and resilience to manage and get back into living. The raw reality of who I was and what I had become would lead to a different response in how I would proceed. Getting Rid of Mould and Mildew The time spent over the years, providing for the children had left little time for my husband and myself. The event of my ordination had stirred up resentment that, with help, we had named and attempted to rectify. However, there didn’t seem to be a mutually workable time in our schedules for us to be together without the children. Other things always seemed more important. When we did go out for a coffee, the conversation usually turned to concerns about the children, not talking about our needs. Through private therapy, I recognized and accepted that I too was a workaholic. The spiritual retreats and liturgical involvement I had embraced were not a substitute for the intimate connection I needed to make with myself through 48 connecting with others. I became aware and alert about being dependent on my children for that intimacy. Of more concern was my unintentionally transferring my need for adult connection to public people who, by their role, would be safe company. This awareness explained why some individuals who had been avid supporters had become silent or unavailable without explanation. I was stunned. “Oh my gosh! Had I done that? I didn’t mean to. Why didn’t they tell me?” Because reconciliation was not possible with some, I needed to learn to forgive myself for unintentionally encroaching on other people. I also had to reassess what was necessary to fulfill my needs. With this new knowledge, I could no longer ignore what was happening. I saw my husband’s retirement, the spring of 2005, as an appropriate time to re- establish my own career. It didn’t happen the way I had hoped. I was no longer getting what I needed out of the relationship. Sadly, I realized there was little relationship left between us. Because I had not listened to myself, I had failed to communicate my needs effectively. When we had agreed to marry, I thought we both understood and accepted the growing discussion and acceptance in the church at the time that marriage was an opportunity for personally re-creating as much as providing for progeny and honour. Sadly, it took an angry stress breakdown on my part to accept that we had different ideals. This marked the beginning of my shaking off years of appeasing others to the neglect of my own needs. Having requested a bed be moved to the basement, I explained my need for space to the children while reassuring them of my love and support as best I could when they came for nightly stories and kisses. 49 This need for a separate space and identity was fertilized by my new teaching assignment as a Guidance Counsellor at a senior public school, where I was given my own office, telephone and computer. Early in my teaching career I had been approached about leadership roles. I had instead chosen to stay with the children in the classroom. In this support role I was entrusted with confidential information to allow me to support students’ needs. In education at least, I had achieved recognition of who I was, and I was valued for my skills and knowledge. In the church, the spring previous, the interim leaders of the regional Disciples recognized my call to Pastoral Counselling and confirmed my standing to ministry. The irony is that I was handed the letter of affirmation after the conclusion of my father’s celebration of life. Still stuck in a mindset of authority granted by an institution, I had struggled to validate my worthiness to preside at the ritual. In the Disciple’s practice of the priesthood of believers, the presidency of ordained clergy at rituals other than marriage is not a legal necessity. I had the right to preside as a layperson, but I needed to believe in myself as ordained. I had to act it, not just by the clothing I wore, but by supporting my nuclear and extended family with dignity. I couldn’t deny the affirmations I was receiving from people outside the church walls who called on me to serve them. I was coming to accept that I had been consistently called to a hard-to-identify frontline ministry. Affirmed as a teacher, minister, pastoral counsellor, musician and mother, the one identity that evaded me was of myself. The decay of my mental health signalled that it was time for me to persevere in a ministry of compassion for self, 50 to begin living life not in the role of Mrs. Wife, but fully as Jane, with all of her colour, creativity and chaos. I recognized that if I wanted to be available to my children in a healthy way, and to model especially for my daughters their right to self-respect and full realization, it was time to walk the talk. One of the first actions came after a medical appointment intended to support one of my teenaged children. I walked out with a prescription for anti- depressants and a determination to remove what I experienced as toxic stressors. Another round of counselling gave me the courage to accept and state that I believed my relationship to my spouse was no longer fulfilling and that it was time to separate. There was no reason to create upheaval in the children’s environment. It was I who needed to find space and time to assess what I had, what I needed and how to get it. I gained that by moving to a basement apartment across the street. After establishing a schedule with my children for meals, chauffeuring and other parental responsibilities, I reached out to friends to determine who was amenable to supporting me. Not used to preparing meals, I learned to cook for myself, intentionally avoiding gluten and dairy foods to which I am sensitive. Having my own rooms, I created sacred space that reflected my growing interest in indigenous beliefs and feminine spiritual practices. I continued attending church to worship but moved in the background to avoid politics and judgement. I stayed connected socially through two women who were my contacts for prayer chain and a weekly food donation ministry. They stayed longer on the phone, or welcomed me into the house, allowing me to vent my frustrations. The first was a 51 divorcee herself. The second was a nurse who introduced me to Therapeutic Touch and always gave me a smile or a quick word of encouragement when I dropped off the weekly donation. One timely quote attributed to Nietzsche that has stayed with me: “If it doesn’t kill you, it will make you stronger”. These words reminded me that I was getting stronger all the time. My mother’s advice when I told her of my intention to separate was to wait for my husband to come around. Though she understood my predicament, she would not support the process financially. Sadly, her tactics to dissuade me were short-lived as she died in my arms in hospital the next summer, three days after suffering a massive stroke. This was the third family funeral I had presided over, the first having been my brother’s wife the autumn before I was ordained. Since that first funeral, I continued to marvel at the power of potential inheritance to destroy the opportunity for family compassion and support. Left to reconcile my own grief while preparing the internment and celebration services, I had barely an opportunity to speak with my children before they left the city. The concluding meeting of the siblings with the executor that evening confirmed to me that I was on my own. “Once more, God. It’s you and me!” Just weeks prior, in the shelter of a lakefront campsite, I had strategically reflected and faced my shortcomings and needs. With the knowledge that like things attract, and eight months of living on my own, my task now was to change my social circle and become the kind of person I wanted to be with. I located a rent-to-own house in a nearby neighbourhood and arranged with my children to 52 help me pack my apartment and move my remaining belongings from the family house to my new address. With my eldest two children finished high school and involved in creating their own lives, I continued to car-pool and welcome the younger two regularly. Each child reacted to the distance and definitiveness of the move in a different way. One quickly accepted the novelty as opportunity and a year later suddenly decided to move in permanently. One was a willing visitor but found staying over too much work. I missed seeing them daily, if only fleetingly on the route to and from school, but I didn’t miss the work of cleaning and running a large house. Observing the teenaged children of friends I now spent more time with, I recognized that it wasn’t right to tell myself that I was hated or shunned when my children weren’t available. Yes, there was anger, confusion and fear, but that was as much a part of their own coming of age. My situation wasn’t the cause; it just added to it. I continued to bolster their strategies for self-advocacy in learning. With cell phones coming into use, I was always available, and vowed that if I could not assist them in the moment because of distance, I would find someone who would. I remember a Sunday afternoon trying to locate a charging station for my phone in an airport while I waited for a flight home from the U.S. After already forty-five minutes of helping my daughter work through her distress over a confrontation with a teacher, I did not want to lose the connection until we had decided on a satisfactory course of action. As my children became adept at self-advocacy, I watched their strengthening character and took courage to advocate for myself. After eighteen 53 years of part-time employment so I could be available to my children, I increased my teaching assignment, maintaining one day a week for final consultations for my Specialist certification in pastoral counselling and clients. The latter was now more challenging, as the agency I had previously worked through was in the process of relocation. The nature of the clients’ needs had changed, making coffee shops, shaded benches or walks in the park, or eventually my own home viable talk spots. I learned as much from my clients about accepting and waiting on relationships to be reconciled as they learned from me. Subsequently, to journey with them effectively, I needed to use my knowledge, seek support and practise some relationship-building myself. An envelope in my mailbox addressed to the homeowner provided a means. A generic letter inside invited me to apply to a dating introduction service. As I was not a bar-hopper and on-line dating was too time-consuming and elusive, I called and booked an interview. I remember thinking to myself, as I walked from the parking lot to the office door, “If nothing else, I can use this as a professional experience to assess their style of questioning and content for sound relational typing,” a new learning when I studied for certification with the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT). I had prioritized my needs: that the man be financially and residentially self-sufficient, university or college educated, family friendly and like the outdoors. I also aspired for someone with an Eastern European heritage who liked dancing, things I had identified as yearnings. That the person be church-friendly would be nice, but being that I was still struggling with how I identified denominationally I 54 would have to trust God on that one. Within a month, the selected candidate and I had met for coffee and had arranged for him to be my chauffeur and pre-dinner date for my next orchestra concert. This reserved Polish man accepted my developing cooking skills for Friday evening suppers followed by a dessert of ongoing questions about relationship-building. I saw it as a good sign when I was introduced to his friends at a New Year’s dance. Soon we tried skiing. I assured him I would conquer a blue hill soon. When summer came, his sailboat became our weekend escape, a privilege I had given up when I sold the family trailer. Though new to the sport, I quickly learned the basics and we soon set sail across the lake where I was put to the storm test and prevailed. I truly enjoyed sailing and chose to do the work needed to get along in small spaces. My children had mixed feelings when I introduced my beau at a pre- Christmas dinner. I was making a clear statement that I was moving on with my life. Their acceptance of this would take much longer. My introduction to his older twin boys had been more casual and matter-of-fact, as he was twice divorced. When I joined him in Poland that New Year’s, I met his elderly parents and sister. I knew I was welcome when, as I cleared the dishes from the dinner table, his mother quipped something with a smile. The translation came out as, “Third time mastered.” However, I knew I was accepted when his father gently motioned me into his workroom. There he showed me the violin he had made and gestured for me to play it. Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star on a ‘g-string’ never sounded so sweet. 55 On returning home, I determined that before I lost my children’s favour to the finality of divorce, using my inheritance, I needed take them to Europe to see where my parents were from. My son chose to stay home. The girls, aged 12, 15 and 17, were model travellers on the twenty-one day bus tour of Western Europe. As we stood on the deck of the ferry crossing from England to France, I became overwhelmed with a sense of coming home, the same feeling of belonging I had experienced when I had spent the summer in France. The girls were accepting of this ‘otherness’ I’d allowed myself to reveal more often and huddled around to protect me. A dinner cruise on the Danube was a mid-tour highlight of our three days in Hungary. Calling my oldest brother, who had joined us on the trip, to the stern of the boat, the girls and I said good-bye to my parents as the last handful of their ashes drifted under the Elizabeth Bridge in Budapest. Where I had been trying to hold everything together for the first part of the trip, appeasing my brother while trying to be attentive to the girls, that night signalled the end of pleasing others first. I came back to our table, raised my glass of Red Bull Wine and toasted to my life ahead. The next morning, I called my beau for moral support. Though I knew he could do nothing from his desk in Canada, just having someone listen helped me re-evaluate the present and assess my situation for the coming weeks. When we flew out from Paris at the end of the month, I was relieved, rested and renewed, with a greater sense of my Hungarian heritage and the need to pursue it. Like my solo trip to Egypt when my son was a toddler, there had been history to learn and buildings to admire. However, more like my trip to Mexico after my youngest 56 daughter was weaned, there were things calling to me about myself as a woman, and to my spiritual connection with history and ancient practices. I knew I would return. For the moment, my children still wanted to be with me. I returned from the trip and launched into full-time work with Core French added into my assignment. This proved to be a fun as well as frustrating challenge. The French programme resources for senior public students were a welcome change from the primary curriculum. Wearing my hat as a guidance counsellor to some of the same students I taught proved a new test. I needed to learn to shut the office door on their struggles and create a clear boundary of learning expectations. Before the end of the first term, it was clear that my onset of perimenopausal flux and their onset of pre-pubescent hormones were not a good mix. For someone who was not above throwing a pebble into still water, I was now having difficulty finding enough calm. I called up all the self-focusing, relaxation and meditation techniques I knew, but they were not enough. I had to stop and rest. I’d lost the inner rhythm that organized my being. I had lost my song. For the first time in my career I needed to take a stress leave. By some unknown inspiration, I had already prepared the material for the next month, so I was able to leave the teaching manuals and the workbooks and walk away, returning part-time at the end of June. I recognized, after this second round with young teens, that this age group, though I enjoyed them, was not where I flourished. The next September I transferred to a position in special education at a K-8 school north of the city. I’d hoped the presence of the larger age grouping 57 might provide a more holistic learning environment. By the end of the first month, my assignment was changed to primary planning time and I was dragging a cart and working off the stage again. The staff members were very accommodating and supportive, and rallied their classes for the primary Christmas musical by preparing props as art projects. The whole performance sparkled and shone but one face shone brighter for me, that of a young boy in the developmentally delayed class. What I observed from the teaching assistants when I was with his class challenged me to use what I knew and live what I believed, to creatively adapt for individual growth. I believed in the success that comes with perseverance. I was adamant in advocating for the dignity and acceptance of each student as a whole person as they were. My own children had pushed me to this; however, their learning needs were minimal compared to those of this child and his classmates. In the moment, on the night of the performance I’d had little time to think, but I don’t know if I was more proud of the boy’s parents for bringing their son well- prepared, or the boy. Though not required to speak, the boy conscientiously and independently completed the individual choreographed moves on stage with correct timing. When I learned from the teaching assistant who supported him that the parents had cried with happiness, never having thought that their son would ever be allowed such an opportunity, I was humbled. Changing Fertilizer I learned a lot that year, about driving in the country, teaching in a school 58 where everyone was bussed and what I missed about being in the city. The parents of this community reminded me of those in my first year teaching, motivated and ethnically homogenous. Though this made for greater potential, it was not long before I recognized that children are the same everywhere. They all need compassion and challenge. What was lacking here was the colour of cultural diversity that had expanded my own world. The next September, I returned to the city and core French, with the bonus of teaching music in French to French Immersion classes, an opportunity to pick up on the language-music repertoire I had started my first year of teaching. Not needing to commute daily, I had more time to attend to other loose ends. Having finished the required client hours and course work, after several years of a paper chase, now in 2008 I was finally deemed a Clinical Member of the AAMFT. I was legally certified to practise counselling independently. This ensured I received endorsement to Specialized Ministry with Homeland Ministries in the Disciples Church. In the Canadian region I had accepted, a second time, a nomination for the office of vice-moderator of the region. The first time I had been counselled by a friend to be cautious. If the role didn’t kill me, I might kill the church. I attended the All-Canada Convention in Halifax, Nova Scotia that summer, with a greater surety of my place in ministry, my role in the church still to be determined. Prior to the convention, I had taken a week to tour the perimeter of the western peninsula, stopping at every port to inspect harbours, and notice sailboats. The beauty of the Annapolis Valley, the natural caves and rock formations of the 59 coast and the solidness of the fishing docks of the western peninsula restored my sense of wonder and refreshed my soul. At the convention, I was acclaimed vice- moderator. Health concerns prompted me to resign a year later. Spreading Roots Before I had left Nova Scotia, I made plans with my beau for a whirlwind hop, skip and fly to Florida and South Carolina to look at sailboats. I had agreed that if he made the arrangements, I would finance half the cost of a boat we both agreed on. In the back of my mind, this would be our first joint project, and the closest I was likely to get to an engagement promise. The new to us Beneteau 310 First was trucked from Florida to Hamilton in December of 2008. She was launched the next June. For my partner and I, the boat was our ‘getaway’, but also our ‘can’t get away’. The forced inter- dependency of being out on the lake in storms and doldrums also forced the reality for co-operating, despite how angry or frustrated we might feel about each other in the moment. Though I dreamed of sailing solo, I needed to learn a lot more about the boat to make this a reality. As a good first mate or rather co- captain, I could make myself indispensable and still not need to deal with maintaining the engine. What makes for a good crewmember is knowing when and how to ask questions or make suggestions and making the time enjoyable for everyone, emotionally, socially and physically. “We cannot direct the winds but we can adjust the sails” (Hatch 1859). With time, practice and training under different captains and crew, my 60 knowledge and sailing skills increased. Though I may not always remember the correct terminology or physics behind a manoeuvre, my intuition and confidence in calling sail changes are respected by my partner. They are informed by an inner knowing I’ve learned to listen to and insist be heard. Sunny Side of the Garden Four years since our first meeting, my beau and I had weathered many emotional storms together. With our respective children moving on with their lives we agreed it was time to do likewise. Though we both owned homes, we wanted a fresh start. We looked for a house that would suit our needs now and in retirement, including a room that closed for client appointments. I also ensured there would be a space for any of our children to sleep if they needed it. I was dismayed at the hesitation of some my children to accept this change. However, it was time to accept them and love them for whom they were becoming and spend some time loving myself. Christians often quote Jesus’ great commandments when calling for compassion for the marginalized or downtrodden. “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and mind... Love your neighbour as yourself’ (Matthew 22: 36-40). From an early age, I remember questioning how this was interpreted. Whenever I heard this even minutely interpreted as loving your neighbour instead of yourself, I trembled. I was not popular when I preached on the necessity to love God and God within yourself and then to love others from the overflow, giving them your best, rather than from your depleted self. This is not a new interpretation, yet it is 61 easy to lose sight of. It was necessary to re-assess, re-adjust and reset my life course and focus on where my heart was. In August 2010, settled in our own house, my partner and I had to establish new routines in our home and beyond. I had exposed him to my different church experiences, and he agreed that St. Joseph’s would be our common worship place. I was relieved. For the first time in my adult life, I could openly practise and celebrate worship with my partner. Though he had witnessed me as a pulpit preacher, he did not experience that or my activity at St. Joseph’s as a threat to him or our life together. Though he didn’t believe or practise some of my disciplines, he did not judge them. Yet, he did hold out on our getting married. He saw no reason for it, and I couldn’t explain why we should. In preparing couples for marriage, I had done a lot of soul searching about the actions of the rite and purpose of a public ceremony. Though there was no possibility of children to legitimize, I believed in the public statement of our commitment to work at our relationship as a healthy, life-giving experience for both of us. His outlook changed by accident. Literally, a car accident early in 2011 prompted him to change his mind. Thankfully, only the car was damaged. When my beau and I finally had a chance to sit and talk, I explained to him the legal realities. If he had needed the consent of next-of-kin for a medical procedure I would be helpless to intervene, not being a legal relative. I was already experiencing helplessness in the waning life of my dear soul-friend. But with her, the helplessness was that nothing more could be done for her. There was a peace in accepting that reality. With my partner, my hands 62 would be tied. I was relieved when he understood the gravity of our own situation and pleased for my soul-friend to meet him and give her blessing for our future nuptials before she quietly slipped away. New Soil On May 21, 2011, witnessed by close family and a few friends, we became husband and wife. The priest who spoke at my ordination officiated the ceremony. The presider at my ordination gave the reflection. My long-standing friend and teaching colleague was my attendant and I sang a song to our wedded future. The children all attended the ceremony. I accepted that not all of them wanted to attend the reception. Just as I wanted them to respect the life choices I was making, again I needed to respect theirs. By the next summer, with a greater sense of wholeness, I completed and updated all of my education, certification and standing qualifications. With no courses to complete, my life was mine. I took up knitting and gardening with a vengeance and learned to use a serger-sewing machine, another dream fulfilled, while waiting for my chance to sail the ocean blue. Fresh Breeze Finally, it happened. We flew to Hawaii to enjoy four days of amazing beauty and fascinating history. The following twenty-two days sailing to Vancouver were spent knitting, reading and washing the dishes, as I was not allowed to touch the helm. I had a lot of time to spend in my head as the other five 63 on board spoke Polish to each other. After we landed in British Columbia and did a tour of the coast, I returned to Ontario, rested in a way I had never been in my life. Unlike previous years, when the school year began, I had not spent hours preparing the room, having hoped that the grade 2/3 French Immersion class I had agreed to teach both English and French language components for would be shifted to a single grade in a month. It wasn’t. But I also wanted the children to take responsibility for the set-up of their learning environment. I was surprised to learn that some children had no ideas for organizing their space but pleased that others showed thoughtful leadership. I focused on helping the children learn mastery of core content. This led to a lot of exciting learning indoors and outdoors. The children were game to try almost anything. I received this with delight. What I had not anticipated was the new kind of hovering parent and their anxiety over grade 3 provincial testing, something none of the other grade 3 French Immersion teachers had to prepare for. By March, the emotional and psychological demands took their toll. In an attempt to streamline the workload, I had unwittingly over-prepared before I left for the break. I did not return until June and then only alternate days. Having earlier declared myself excess to school, I chose my next school assignment as my last, a full-time music assignment including kindergarten at the school near the church. But that was months away. Ensconced in my second stress leave, I knew the routine. When I was 64 bored with movie bingeing and had completed two jigsaw puzzles, I knew I was ready to test my physical endurance. When I outlasted my daughter, who had nudged me to try Zumba, I knew I was on my way to recovery. One area I had neglected was some form of instrumental or vocal music to balance my energy and creativity. When I was strong enough, I ventured back to the church choir to prepare for Easter. To respect the leadership of the new incumbent, I had stayed in the background. However, someone had spoken to him about my past leadership at the church, particularly with children. Not knowing that I was on leave when he approached me about the family Good Friday service, I guardedly agreed. Inside, I was scampering like a bunny. Getting the Right Fertilizer Mix. I was delighted! I felt blessed! I didn’t have to prove my usefulness. “I just needed to wait on your time and place, God!” Though I not at a Disciples church, I was invited to serve at a nearby congregation which had a passion for its families with children. “God, I know this is not about me, but if you want me to do this, help me pace my energy and delegate tasks.” My vision was a family- focused worship with movement and activity that children could be involved in, with the sombreness due for Good Friday. The more casual worship format lent itself to dramatic representations that many congregants enjoyed. The result was a walkabout version of the Stations of the Cross, with selected congregants delivering roles interactively. How fitting, a resurrection of ministry as prelude to a resurrection celebration. My heart was singing again, quietly mind you, but 65 getting stronger. What a good Friday that was. With a positive reception of the experiential worship, the incumbent approached me about a further experiment proposed by the visioning committee of the church. They wanted to start a monthly family-style liturgy to allow the young families of the church to get to know each other. “Hold me down, God. Where are you heading with this?” This was a dream come true! Open discussion with children about their faith! This was not possible at public school because of the multi-faith and multicultural nature of the children attending. Now the pathway was clear. With a focus on families, this was a call to serve in a ministry without needing to give up Sunday Service. Messy Church was a proposed model. The incumbent would take care of the logistics of meal preparation, inviting the families of the church and engaging volunteers. I would be responsible for the programming. Though it frustrated my ego, I accepted the limitations of my lay role in the Anglican Church. My ordination was accepted ecumenically but not received functionally. I had pursued clerical reception previously, even receiving confirmation through this congregation, but full reception was not to be. Yet God had deemed it was time for me to be ministering in a church setting again, and to children and families, the ministry focus I had projected twenty years before when asked what the vision of my ministry was. Additionally, it affirmed that I was to serve where I landed and when I was called to whomever was brought to me. After two seasons, both the incumbent and I recognized the need to 66 engage the parents more intentionally with their children. We had established a gathering, meal, story, craft, worship and departing routine in the style of Messy Church. The children were showing more interest in doing their own activities and I needed some new programme direction. There was something more. I needed to take some time to discern if there was to be a change in my direction of ministry and how. A Disciples Chaplains’ retreat was scheduled for that summer the week before the bi-annual convention in Columbus, Ohio. On the drive down, I did a lot of talking with God about all of the possible options before me. I could again apply for reception in the Anglican Church. My previous attempt, though inspired and in prose, had been considered ‘out of the box.’ Attendance at the retreat introduced me to a lot of people in similar situations ministering outside of Disciple governance. This affirmed that I did not need to change my denominational loyalties. Actually, my story was not uncommon. Yet I needed something to use my brain. If I enrolled in an advanced academic programme at a recognized university, I would have access to all of the research and academic thought for all of my many questions in the one field that I had not fully explored, the spiritual side of psychotherapy. But, I had spent most of my career working with children and teenagers. Was this the area I was to pursue and how? Not planning to stay for the convention, before departing, I took a tour of the vendors’ displays and collected some swag. One display invited people to make a beaded alphabet bracelet of words for reflection. While I was picking out the beads for the words I had chosen while still back home - clarity, 67 belonging and acceptance - I overheard the presenter from the retreat reflecting on how she missed the informal conversations of her time in doctoral studies. That idea resonated inside me. The last stop before I left the arena floor was Specialized Ministries. If nothing else, I wanted to thank the staff for the affirming experience of the past few days. My eyes caught a flyer about children’s ministry. The next thing I knew, I was sitting on the green carpet-covered cement floor, with two strangers in the middle of this huge convention centre listening to one of them tell me the story of the Good Shepherd. Using small wooden sheep, some cloth swatches and a laminated figure of a person representing Jesus, she drew us in as if nothing else existed. I was mesmerized. This is what I was yearning after, companionship in exploring the spirituality of children. Young Children & Worship was the way! The rest, as they say, is history. I made a pre-arranged stop at the home of my good friend from my teen-age years. As an English university professor, she felt I could handle graduate work. As a certified Spiritual Director, she agreed to journey with me. I researched local and distance education and found that Tyndale University in Toronto seemed the best fit. Before starting the first week of intensive classes the next August, with all materials and assignments ready, my husband and I left for a five-week tour of Poland and Hungary. We visited his extended family before embarking on the historical exploration of cross border royal marriage and battles shared defending Europe from Turkish invasion. Prompted by a photo of a sailor with his sailboat found in my mother’s boxes, we sailed on Lake Balaton and I came to a sudden 68 understanding of the importance to my grandfather of building a life for his family in Canada, beside a lake, a lake where I played as a child and for me now, the lake I sailed on. The trip affirmed that there was so much more about myself to discover, but also that I had already journeyed further than I had realized. Old Roots, New Shoots When I opened the door on my first day of DMin classes at Tyndale, I had a moment of familiar recall. During my MDiv studies, I had visited here with an older woman for a meeting of the Theresians, a group of “Women in Support of Women... Reaching Out with Gospel Values” (Theresians International 2020). Now here I was, continuing my journey to explore how the living spirit is formed in others and in myself. I walked to my room, carrying a potted mini-rose bush in honour of my recently deceased sister-in-law who had formed her spirit in these same walls as a religious member of the Sisters of St. Joseph, knowing I was not alone. More than once as I made my way through the staircases, or in the chapel, I thanked the spirit of these women as, if only in my mind’s eye, they moved around me silently in their black habits, encouraging me to “Listen, listen, listen to my heart song. I will never forget you. I will never forsake you” (Yogananda 1973). 69 CHAPTER 3: RING AROUND THE ROSIE WITH GOD People were also bringing babies to Jesus for him to place his hands on them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it. (Luke 18: 15-17) The model, Ring Around the Rosie With God, was designed to be sensitive and affirming of the dynamic timing, needs and nuances of children and their reactions and responses that communicate their awareness of the living God in their lives. The model and its development will be delivered in three parts. Part One will discuss the relevance of this model to the present-day view of children. Then a consideration of Jesus’ view of children will be followed by a summary of the historical and cultural influences on the view of children through a Christian lens. Part two will begin with a brief description of the innovative work of Maria Montessori and a shift to Child-Centred education. Three current programmes for Religious Education will be considered for their pedagogy and strategies. Spiritual Disciplines will be considered for the latter two. The models are: The Good Shepherd and the Child: A Joyful Journey (2007) by Cavalletti, Coulter, Gobbi and Quattrocchi, Young Children & Worship (1989) a collaborative work by Sonja M. Stewart and Jerome W. Berryman, and Messy Church (2013) created 70 by Lucy Moore and Jane Leadbetter. Part three, the presentation of my hybrid model, Ring Around the Rosie with God, will begin with a brief history behind the development of the model known internally as Friday Family Food Fun and Faith (5F) followed by the design created to offer ministry to families and a reflection on its effectiveness. A View About Children in Our Time In 1989, The United Nations adopted the Convention of the Rights of the Child (CRC) to protect children from neglect and abuse and to raise the value of their voice. The CRC describes rights of children to speak freely, have access to information at their level from a variety of sources and to believe as they want to (Plan International 1989). With the advent of computers and the Internet, children have more ready access to the plight of other children and the state of our world. In their passion, they have found ways to speak up and effect change. Consider the work of Craig Kielburger from Canada who at the age of nine petitioned against child labour in India (Kielburger 2018). Hear the voice of Malala Yousafzai of Pakistan who at age twelve was shot to silence her advocacy of education for girls (Yousafzai 2018). Listen to thirteen-year-old Autumn Peltier advocating for the basic right of clean water for the Indigenous people of Canada, and all people of the world (Kent 2018). Most recently Greta Thunberg from Sweden has given voice to warning about unchecked climate change (Alter et al. 2020). These children and youth did not suddenly develop a drive for justice and compassion towards others and the world around them. Their inner voices were nurtured by adults who 71 viewed them as responsible and full members of society. These children have seen the need for social change and are speaking to it. They are insisting and are being heard. This was not always the case. Inspiration for Giving Voice to Inner Knowing For a child raised without nurture of their spiritual self, life can be a long journey of confusion. In her memoirs, Living with a Wild God, Barbara Ehrenreich reflects as an adult on experiences she had as a child that at the time she could not describe. Born in the 1940’s in Middle America, Ehrenreich’s experience happened when she was a young teen. Though aware of religion, she did not participate in it. Raised an atheist, her parents “derived their own atheism from a proud tradition of working class rejection of authority in all its forms” (Ehrenreich 2014, 3). Looking back, she recounts her experience. How else to describe it? There were no visions, no prophetic voices or visits by totemic animals, just this blazing everywhere. Something poured into me and I poured out into it. . I stopped at some point . transfixed by the blinding flow of the most mundane objects, teacups and toasters. I could not contain it . Nothing could contain it. Everywhere, “Inside” and out, the only condition was overflow. “Ecstasy” would be the word for this, but only if you are willing to acknowledge that ecstasy does not occupy the same spectrum as happiness or euphoria.. So I decided that evening that whatever I had experienced.had to be an aberration. Except that it kept happening.(Ehrenreich 2014, 16, 47-49). Unlike her religious friends who “were convinced that God had a ‘plan’ for us” (Ehrenreich 2014, 3), her parents proclaimed: “We did not believe, and what this meant.. .was that there were no ready answers at hand” (Ehrenreich 2014, 3). All young Barbara had was science. She spent the rest of her life trying to recapture and understand the indescribable. 72 Deepak Chopra asserts the commonality of such indescribable experiences. “What does it mean to taste God’s reality? Such an experience is actually extremely common. God is defined as infinite joy, love, compassion, and peace. Everyone has experienced these things. But no one told us that these very experiences could be the first steps on the path to God” (Chopra 2015, 265). Chopra, a well-regarded physician and meditation advocate, names a source for inner knowledge that crosses language, religious and age boundaries. In the Christian religion, social awareness is developed by following the practices and teachings of Jesus of Nazareth. Yet without an awareness of the inner voice of God, interpretation of compassion, justice and love lack the energy described by Dallas Willard as “non- physical ultimate power” (Willard 1998, 79). “How do children come to understand that there is something bigger watching out.. .other than parents?” (Bayes 2013, chap. 5). One way is through religious association. One young mother, herself un-churched, writes in a blog, that “even though she herself does not follow a religious practice,” she will seek out a community to expose her child to what others believe. “It was so beautiful being in the presence of God, their God—something I really want to expose Caleb to from an early age . But I think it’s important that Caleb see religion and understand it’s about an individual belief, not the actual God itself” (Bayes 2013, chap. 5). Religious Reality Today The church in Western Society is recognizing that it is in a Post-Christian 73 Era. In 2014, Rowan Williams, former leader of the World Wide Anglican Church declared that: Britain is now a “post-Christian” country ... as research suggests that the majority of Anglicans and Roman Catholics now feel afraid to express their beliefs.” . “Britain’s “cultural memory . is quite strongly Christian”. But [Britain is] post-Christian in the sense that habitual practice for most of the population is not taken for granted . a further shrinkage of awareness and commitment . as a result of a lack of knowledge about Britain’s Christian legacy among younger generations under the age of 45. (Ross 2014) The place and knowledge of the Christian Church in society is not secure as it was in the past though its teachings still have relevancy. Historical Biblical Change in the Image of Children In writings accredited to King David, he compares his adult self in need of comfort like that he had from his mother when he was a child. He equates this sense of being cared for and comforted to his relationship with God. My heart is not proud, LORD, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have calmed and quieted myself, I am like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child I am content. Israel put your hope in the LORD both now and forevermore. (Psalm 131: 1-3). That he commends Israel to share in this comfort suggests that it is not a shameful thing but something that even a king can embrace. In the Ancient Greco-Roman world, society was considered to be held together by “the logos (word, speech, reason) that was used to resolve conflicts” (Bakke 2005, 15). It was believed that this logos, or reason was possessed by free male citizens. Older men and women had the potential to possess logos “while slaves and barbarians definitely lacked it” (15). This also included children 74 because they “lacked the ability to communicate in an adult manner,” so were considered “outside the rational world of adults” (16). A child, like a slave, was to be obedient to the household male authority who could do as he reasoned or willed with his property, including abandoning an infant that was not wanted or born deformed (32). Boys and girls from wealthy families were educated. Girls learned domestic skills while boys learned about business and society. At age fourteen, a boy would begin to wear a toga indicating he was being prepared for adult responsibility and privilege by his male relatives and peers. By age twelve a girl was expected to agree to a marriage arranged by her father. It was rare for a girl not to be married by the age of twenty. Generally, all children from poor families had neither the privilege of a formal education nor the choice. They often worked in the fields or at domestic tasks with their mother. Like slaves they could be sold to provide money or security for the family. Jesus’ response to this social view of children in his time was to call them to be a model for the social order he described as the kingdom of God. “But Jesus called the children to him and said, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it”’ (Luke 18:16,17). To receive the kingdom of God like a little child, one must sense the world like a child, with openness, curiosity and trusting vulnerability. Jesus welcomed the children, considered to be among the lowest in society. “He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: ‘Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will 75 never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me”’ (Matthew 18:1-4). In acknowledging the children as lowly then welcoming them, Jesus restored their dignity and gave them a place in society. Jesus blessed and honoured children. “Then people brought little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked them. Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”’ When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there” (Matthew 19:13-15). Jesus, in placing his hands on the children, imitated the blessing hand of the elder male of a household to acknowledge a child’s right to inheritance, in Jesus’ case, of the kingdom of God. Paul, who in his former life had been named Saul, made a comparison of himself to a child to emphasize his having achieved the social status of the age of reason. “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me” (1 Corinthians 13:11). Paul, a respected leader converted to Jesus’ teachings, states that in doing so, he gained a new level in his thinking, reasoning and speech. Paul also spoke of a transition from slavery to a status as a family member. But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to Sonship. Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his 76 Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.” So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child’ and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir. (Galatians 4:4-7) In defining the terms for adoption as a child of God, Paul alludes to the rights, responsibilities and privileges of family membership from childhood. Early Christian theologians reflected on the implications of Jesus’ teachings. Clement of Alexandria commended children for their simplicity and capacity to view God as their only object of devotion (Bakke 2005, 60). Chrysostom spoke of the innocence of infants and the passions that are present in a growing child that create conflicts in behaviour (82). These Patriarchs upheld the place of the child in the church for their simplicity, devotion, innocence, and struggle with opposing passions. In the third century, Augustine of Hippo upholding the ancient Greco- Roman social view struggled with his own lifestyle, choosing abstinence so he could devote himself to God. In reflecting on children, he identified their loss of innocence in infancy starting with the ‘greedy’ reaction of himself as a child who was jealous of another, “That I cried so greedily for those [his mother’s] breasts?” (Outler 1955). Not considering that a child is responding to a basic need, he projected backward the greed of adults to childhood. From this view he proclaimed the need for children to receive punishment though not of the same severity as adults. Reflecting on his own promiscuous youth, and against arguments of Pelagius his peer, Augustine asserted the concept of ‘original sin’, which names corruption or sin of even an infant. In the 16th century John Calvin, a French theologian, upheld Augustine’s 77 arguments for original sin. He went further to describe humans, including children as being totally depraved (Bunge 2001, 13). Two centuries later, Jonathan Edwards, an American Calvinist would “preach openly and forcefully about infant damnation and childhood depravity” (Bunge 2001, 14). The effect this had on children might have been frightening as Edwards made these claims in their presence. Real change in the image of children began in 18th century Germany with the work of the pietist, August Hermann Francke. While working at the university at Halle, Germany, he established an education and social health campus for the children in the area. He advocated for the education for all children (including girls and the poor), rejected coercion and harsh disciplinary measures, paid attention to the individual needs and abilities of students, recommended teaching students in the vernacular (instead of Latin), and emphasized not only the acquisition of knowledge but also the development of character. (Bunge 2001, 249) His experiment influenced the development of free education for the public. During the Enlightenment, caution continued about the notion of breaking the child’s will for the sake of obedience, which “disregarded the individuality of the child” (Bunge 2001, 249) as suggested in Proverbs. “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it ... Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish them with the rod, they will not die. Punish them with the rod and save them from death” (Proverbs 22:6, 23:13,14). The misuse of these teachings is in part a motivation for the creation of the Conventions of the Rights of the Child. 78 In the 19th century, Jean-Jacques Rousseau proposed an innovative shift in perception. He did not view children as ill-behaved or little adults. He did not agree with the imposition of original sin, but rather the “evil influences of society that spoiled the natural goodness of children ... he or she should learn almost everything by immediate experience, through play and childlike experimentation. ... They should be treated sympathetically and humanely” (DeVries 2001, 334). Friedrich Schleiermacher furthered this thought with his belief that “Children are worthy human beings worthy of respect and dignity as models for adults” (Bunge 2001, 18). “The mutuality of children and adults, . is indispensable for the health of humanity” (DeVries 2001, 349). With the coming of the Industrial Era, Western society needed to reconsider anew the place for children in their midst. This radical thinking spread across to the United States. Rather than catechetical formalism, Horace Bushnell encouraged relational, experiential religion, prevalent in the Revivalism of the time. He “envisioned true Christian nurture as a thoroughly natural process, the authentic sign of a godly home . the simple tasks of feeding, bathing, and participation in play could hold profound and permanent religious significance” (Bendroth 2011, 353). Bushnell believed a child would know the love of God through the actions of the family long before they attended Sunday school. He saw these caregiving tasks as an opportunity to express love and engage the child to respond in love. This inclusion of children extended to participating in Revival meetings. Parents regularly took their children to such meetings, ‘that they might be converted.’ The famous Cane Ridge Revival in 1800, as well as many that 79 followed, featured converts of all ages: indeed, the younger the child, the more spectacular the miracle. ... Camp-meeting revivals also became places for families to strengthen their relational bonds with heavy doses of experiential religion. (Bunge 2001, 353) With the westward movement of pioneers across the United States, religion and its transmission again became a family event. In a short one hundred years, with advances in industry, transportation, and the devastation of the two World Wars, the worldview of Christian dominance in the West would change. Where once the church was viewed as the ultimate social authority, people started to ask questions and form their own identity and thoughts about children. Playwrights and composers brought the issue out in the open. The question of children being formed by nature or nurture was brought out in the musical South Pacific, produced in 1949, In the story, the American character Lieutenant Cable provokes his colleague with a challenge to the racist attitudes back home. Cable proclaims that racism is "not born in you! It happens after you’re born” (Rodgers & Hammerstein 1949). He then sings his argument. You've got to be taught to hate and fear You've got to be taught from year to year It's got to be drummed in your dear little ear You've got to be carefully taught You've got to be taught to be afraid Of people whose eyes are oddly made And people whose skin is a diff'rent shade You've got to be carefully taught You've got to be taught before it's too late Before you are six or seven or eight To hate all the people your relatives hate 80 You've got to be carefully taught. The writers Rodgers and Hammerstein stood up to the social controversy and media criticism of the time, refusing to change the script (Most 2000). Their understanding of the truth needed a voice. In the same generation, Karl Rahner, a German Jesuit involved in the renewal of Roman Catholic theology, revisited the work of Thomas Aquinas. His insights influenced the changes that came out of the Vatican II congress of the RC church (1962-1965). Though a theologian, Rahner had a strong pastoral sense and reflected: [Children] have value and dignity in their own right and are fully human from the beginning. As a child’s history unfolds, he or she realizes what he or she “already is”... This view of children implies that we are to respect them [children] and have reverence for them from the start and that they are a ‘sacred trust’ to be nurtured and protected at every stage of their existence. (Bunge 2001, 18) If what Rahner describes is true, then children are active participants in church life from the day they are born, not only from their Confirmation. Rahner called the church to accountability for its acknowledgement and valuing of children and their needs for spiritual formation in love from birth. If children are to fulfill their ministry “to be welcomed in Jesus’ name” (Matthew 18:4) they must be believed in and honoured. “Whoever acknowledges me before others, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven” (10: 32). It is no longer enough to hear and see what children and their advocates say and do. To fulfill the Reign of God on earth, leaders and decision makers are called to hear the witness of children living in the church and in the world now. 81 Considerations for Child-Centred Education Sharon Pritchard, in her essay on messy angels (Pritchard 2013), reflects on how society has changed and that the church needs to assess and change its model for mission. She then describes three classic processes of learning: formal, non-formal and socialization. Formal learning is described as “traditional, intentional and leveled.” Instruction is given to develop and ‘enhance the mind’ for better understanding. In the church, an instructor teaches the children using a Bible-based curriculum which may include memorization, prescribed prayers or creeds and some form of assessment. This formal learning is often called catechism or religious instruction. Non-formal learning is associated with an apprenticeship. It is intentional instruction, but it is through observation and practical skill development in relationship. The child progresses when they have mastered knowledge or a skill set that is a part of the faith practice. This is how Jesus taught and how parents nurture. The methods of Maria Montessori model this individualization and opportunity for personal mastery A third model for learning is socialization. Values and knowledge are experienced and absorbed intuitively through observation. The learner often learns unintentionally, perhaps attracted by practical information or novelty. Messy Church with its freer structure fits into this category. A New Tradition in Education The first contemporary model of child-centred education was developed by Maria Montessori, an Italian physician, educator and innovator. Her 82 educational method “builds on the way children naturally learn” (North American Montessori Centre 2019). Through the lens of psychiatry, Montessori observed the methods of education of her time, focusing on children with intellectual and developmental disabilities. She questioned what she saw. Choosing to scientifically observe and experiment with a different way of teaching that took its lead from the child, “she observed how they absorbed knowledge from their surroundings, essentially teaching themselves” (NAMC 2019). Given a safe enriched environment, most children will explore, discover and in their own time, learn in ways that have been ignored. By 1910, the Montessori method was acknowledged worldwide. From her observations, Montessori believed that “Education should no longer be mostly imparting of knowledge, but must take a new path, seeking the release of human potentialities. .. .Our aim is not merely to make the child understand, and still less to force him to memorize, but so to touch his [sic] imagination as to enthuse him to his innermost core” (NAMC 2019). The new path Montessori envisioned included imagination and enthusiasm from within. These point to a description of spiritual formation. In 1954, Sofia Cavalletti, an Italian scholar in Hebrew and Scripture accustomed to working with adults, hesitatingly agreed to prepare a boy to receive religious sacraments. To her surprise, “She saw in that child and in numerous other children since, a way of being in the presence of God that is both unique to the child and a fit to the adult who stops long enough to notice” (Cavalletti et al 1993, 30). Collaborating with Gianni Gobbi, a Montessori specialist, they co- 83 founded the Good Shepherd Centre of Catechesis for children and adults in Rome (Cavalletti et al 1993, 99). Rather than have the child watch church and religion, Cavalletti and Gobbi developed a child-friendly space, tools and programme for children to experience the sacramental and living actions of the church. But their purpose was to teach and uphold the mystery of God’s love. If we were to venture an explanation of all this, .since the religious experience is fundamentally an expression of love, it corresponds in a special way to the child’s nature. .No child...has ever been loved to the degree that he wanted and needed. In the contact with God, the child experiences an unfailing love...and nourishment to grow in harmony. (Cavalletti 1983, 14, 44, 45) This kind of love cannot be imposed or taught. Yet, it can be nurtured by adults who are prepared to wait, listen and accept the ways of the child in sensing and responding to this love by honouring “the silent request of the child which is first to acknowledge that a relationship with God is present. ... and in non-verbal language bid, ‘Help me to come closer to God by myself’” (Cavalletti 1983, 45). Empowering a child with autonomy to approach God calls for an adult to be present with an attitude of love, rather than instruction. Gobbi saw the parallel to Montessori’s “sensitive periods” (Gobbi 1998, 78). “Montessori points to the fact that “the sensitive periods” push the child to do, with extraordinary joy, an infinite number of things that are constructive for him” (Gobbi 1998, 78). The adult must be alert to this sensitive period and learn “to respect it, and to assist it, for, once this sensitivity has passed, the opportunity for a natural acquisition is forever lost” (Gobbi 1998, 79). Given a safe place and respectful space children who respond in a natural way to these sensitive periods 84 will be given the foundation for later self-knowledge. Such a welcoming environment includes preparing the adult. “As Catechists we are called to unite ourselves to the child in listening together to the Word of God and in reflecting and meditating together with the child on the Word of God. ... Observe each child and adapt to the child’s development.. .and rhythm of entering into the message and the child’s personal response to the Lord” (Gobbi 1998, 93). This methodology compels mutual collaboration. It requires taking the risk to learn beside as well as from a child. It requires waiting on the child’s timing and repetitions to internalize a concept then waiting with the child to choose their next step at their own pace to know their own process. The narrative content for the children’s experience was carefully selected. A tentative sequence for the presentation of Bible texts was prepared, co- ordinating the readings, feast days and colours of the church liturgical cycle. Stories were prioritized based on the children’s preferences that naturally aligned with most important Bibles themes, the image of the Good Shepherd being a favourite. A North American Response In 1971, Jerome W. Berryman, a Presbyterian minister from Kansas studied at the Centre for Advanced Montessori Studies under the mentorship of Sofia Cavalletti. Berryman wrote, “My own work does not attempt to duplicate her tremendous contributions. Instead I have tried to experiment with and extend what she has already achieved” (Berryman 1991, vii). In 1985, now an Episcopalian priest in Houston, he presented a workshop on “the approach to 85 religious education I had been developing ... [based on] empirical research and theory” that was attended by Sonja Stewart from Western Theological Seminary in Michigan (Stewart and Berryman 1989, 7). Berryman’s interest focused on “how to present to children, the function of religious language and liturgical action” for their moral and spiritual development, particularly in times of crisis. Stewart’s work was in early childhood education, spiritual formation, Christian worship, and the function of symbols and religious imagination in Christian formation. After ten years of collaboration, Stewart and Berryman committed their experience to print producing Young Children and Worship (Stewart and Berryman 1989) with a disclaimer, We have hesitated to publish these lessons because they are best introduced personally. As you know, oral communication is much different from that of the printed page, but these lessons needed to be in a more accessible form, both to aid workshop participants and to communicate this approach more widely to further assess how it can be used best. (Stewart and Berryman 1989, 8, 9) This hesitation advises adults about the investment of time, self and willingness they will be called to in their receptive interaction with children. In response to changes in church liturgy, children’s understanding of it, and the waning of Sunday school before church, Stewart sought a way for children to be involved in worship while learning foundational Bible knowledge. In her words, she “describes an exciting way these children experience God while learning about God. It involves helping children worship in a special place apart from the worshipping congregation so they become able to worship meaningfully 86 with the congregation” (Stewart and Berryman 1989, 13). Removing the children from adult worship excluded them from becoming familiar with the worship form and language. When these children aged-out of Sunday school, they did not have the cultural knowledge or experience to understand the liturgical actions and Biblical narratives used during worship. Not making the connection, it was easier for them to stop attending services. YC&W attempted to restore a Christian cultural foundation by providing children with worship in a child-centred presentation. This invited them into the Bible stories through the intentional use of props and actions to help them honour themselves and their companions. Table 1. YC&W Order of Worship [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Table 1 details. ] The structure of YC&W is designed within a framework of worship visible in Table 1: The four elements of gathering, listening and responding to the word, thanksgiving, and going out each have their own action: of preparing, proclaiming, feasting and dismissing respectively. The movement from individual to large group witnessing for reflection or response imitate the dynamics of adult 87 worship. The generic pattern of worship and language are adapted to the local tradition giving context for a connection to a specific adult community, what it practices and what it professes in the form of “love, security, appropriate freedom, continuity, order and meaning” (Stewart and Berryman 1989, 14). The primary strategy for a YC&W experience is a worshipful environment to “experience and praise God.” Ideally there is a designated worship space or cabinets that hold the props for the narratives so the children may access them independently. A second strategy involves timing and routines for self- regulation and the prescribed safe use of materials that are modeled and repeated in a worshipful way until they are second nature. This prepares children who are not familiar with the environment, particularly pre-school children, to feel safe and be respectful in their arrival, entry into and departure from the prepared environment independent from their parent. This self-knowledge helps the child to find the ‘quiet place within’ themselves. This, in turn, prepares the child to make space for the presence of God. Flexibility is necessary. A child who is excited or anxious might need to be led to a sitting place a few times or given extra time to observe before they understand where and how to settle in the group. A third strategy is a worship context prepared by using common ritual. To create “the time and space of worship [to] engage a special remembering called ‘anamnesis’” (Stewart and Berryman 1989, 14), bringing the Christian experience from the past and God’s promise for the future into our present, specific actions such as: removing shoes, individual greetings and settling quietly on the floor before singing quiet action songs are modeled by the leaders and children. 88 Worshipful reverence is modeled by a designated storyteller who is present to the children when they enter the worship space. The stories are carefully scripted so the action follows the words, giving the action meaning but not distracting from the narrative, and prayerfully focusing only on narrating the story, using the prepared figures and accessories in a sensitive way. Below is the beginning of a typical script for a parable. Walk slowly to the parable shelf and pick up the ‘parable’ box. Carry it to the circle. Put the box down in front of you and look at it. Sit quietly while you feel the parable forming in you. Then touch the box gently, with wonder, and say: I wonder if this is a parable? Hmmm. It might be. Parables are very precious, like gold, and this box is gold. Gently run your hand over the lid. This looks like a present. Lift the box and admire it like a present (Stewart and Berryman 1989, 159). After a narrative is given and the wonder questions asked, the figures are returned to their ‘place’ on a shelf, so a child knows where to find them in the future. The children do not need to be told this person is being prayerful. The children will notice the difference in space and attitude. After the narrative is finished, the children are invited to individually respond to open-ended “wonder” questions. Afterwards, the children are encouraged to work at individual responses, rehearsing and processing the narrative with their own meaning or referring to previous stories or their own life. The narrator may help individuals reflect during the response time by asking open-ended questions or helping a child narrate a story using the figures. When the children share their work, the narrator models 89 respect for each response. There are no right or wrong answers. Nurturing a worshipful response through group modeling and individual practice, children soon learn how to choose and care for the story pieces, the selection of art supplies and their own work. When all materials have their ‘own place’ the children can reinforce their own sense of meaning and order by returning items to their designated spot. This develops confidence in successfully managing the environment created by and for the group. At the end of the response time, the children are called back to the worship space to listen to the text read from the Bible. A prayer precedes a celebration with light refreshments where the children practice service by serving one another. Each child is given a personal blessing as they depart. The freedom to comment, watch a story uninterrupted, ponder and ask questions invites the children to use their memory and imagination to make meaning of the experience in the moment and to reference other events in their life. Having experience with praying, knowledge of some of the stories and culture of God’s people, and opportunity for individual reflection and sharing in the celebration, children are better prepared to make a meaningful transition into the adult experience of worship and its role is spiritual formation. Spiritual Disciplines Though they are not specifically described in the programme, YC&W introduces several disciplines of spiritual formation. In the narratives, less language is used, giving more focus to the child in community to the action of listening and to the child within while wondering, all aspects of spiritual 90 formation. The silent, non-verbal instruction makes the method adaptable to any language and friendly to children who are hesitant to speak. The narrator models a prayerful attitude and language familiar to the children. Individual children are encouraged to speak a prayer in their own words practicing restful waiting after each prayer. The order of the worship loosely follows the sequence of lectio divina ... ‘listen, reflect, respond, rest, repeat.’ Attitudes of respect and reverence and actions like removing shoes before stepping onto the worship space provide a signal that this is time for ‘withdrawing from the outside world’ together. The narrator models attentiveness during ‘listening to the word.’ She does not look at the children but focuses her eyes on the figures and accessories of the story, drawing the children to do the same. Though at first this is awkward, eventually each child demands the quiet not by requesting it but by showing it with their own intense involvement in the narration. The story is repeated at the end of the response time as a reading from the Bible. ‘Reflecting on the word’ is prompted through ‘wonder’ questions calmly posed to the group. Each child is encouraged to ‘respond’ or contemplate on what they have experienced. Pauses or ‘waiting’, “gives space for the Holy Spirit to act in their imagination” (Stewart and Berryman 1989, 29). The children are invited to respond through artistic process or other interpretation. For some children this may include a ‘rest’ period or using the figures to retell the story. ‘Serving others,’ a fruit of spiritual formation is enacted as each child in turn practices ‘care for others’ in handing out the cups and napkins for the 91 celebration time. Receiving practice is practiced as each child waits for their turn to be cared for. Moving out in the world, or mission, is begun with a blessing for each child before they leave the worship space. When their parent comes to fetch them, they are prepared to share their experience. A Post-Christian Response to Church and Family Messy Church (MC) came to life in 2004 near Portsmouth, England. A group at the suburban congregation of St. Wilfrid’s “were frustrated because, as a church, they were hardly reaching any children with God’s story” (Moore 2013). Lucy Moore, a drama and story-telling trainer for Barnabas Children’s Ministry was a member of the group. With a lot of creative people in the congregation “they decided ... to try to do something for all ages together ... we grow best as a church when we walk the journey with as many people as possible” (Moore 2013). They wanted to shift the thinking that by age eleven, one has grown out of Christianity. To do this, they chose to focus on families and their walk in faith. With support from the ‘new church start’ component of the Anglican Church they created a ministry intent on honouring the experience and reasoning of modern parents. A long-term goal was a self-sustaining entity for community faith growth. However, the priority was the revitalization of congregations through outreach to community members and welcoming the de-churched and un- churched. For some families, the monthly MC gathering was a social and parenting skills forum as much as it was a faith opportunity with the children. Volunteers found that sharing the Gospel story and their own faith journey in this non-threatening way drew in families with no church connection and showed 92 them “how warm, welcoming, relevant and fun a church can be” (Moore & Leadbetter 2012, 8). MC philosophy, goals and methods are shared through DVD and easy-to- read manuals. A website provides downloadable resources, access to consultants who guide local development as well as an online store. Local programmes can be located through a network registry. The first goal of MC is to build relationships within an inclusive community where the message of presence and touch can be experienced as Jesus offered them. Paul Butler reflects, “Academic theology (western systematic) is not available to children or people with learning disabilities or those who think anecdotally, visually, narrative-based, intuitives or poets” (Butler 2013). MC welcomes all who would come and be a part of the experience. He continues, “We long for truth and beauty in our theology...not the messiness of everyday life in all its diversity” (Butler 2013). Though society may try to paint a pretty picture of life, the reality is sometimes chaotic and confused. This was the social experience in Jesus’ time as well. John Drane describes a methodology of enjoyment and exploration that Jesus modeled. Jesus used “dialogue...imagination ...stories .open-ended questions.play.[and] drawing. He didn’t hesitate to rearrange social order, just as a child might” (Drane 2013, chap. 6). Drane comments on how over time, Jesus and his teaching have been interpreted. “In later centuries he was often depicted as a ‘holy fool’, not on some whimsical fancy, but because so many of his antics reflect a pedagogical style focused on interaction and fun” (Drane 2013, 93 chap. 6). Drane draws on Jesus’ call for his “disciples being and becoming children...Could it be that Jesus is actually highlighting something intrinsic to the human condition -- that true wisdom.. .is part of the creativity at the heart of God?” (Drane 2013, chap. 6). Drane draws a link to the aliveness of the sensory world of children and their connection to wisdom and creativity from God. The programme develops from the bottom-up. The grassroots experiment of MC invites exploring theology in simple, fresh, expressive experiences, the kind children are experts in. Drane describes MC at its best as “a gloriously interactive and open-ended exploration of life, faith and God in partnership with others, that, like the relationship between the primal couple [Adam and Eve] and God in the garden, is in constant danger of being systematized so as to become the exact opposite” (Drane 2013, chap. 6). MC then is not a new experiment, but a return to an organic experience of relationship with the natural and human world through a receptive and adaptive experiment that welcomes the wisdom of children. 94 Table 2. Messy Church at a Glance [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Table 2 details. ] From what may seem an idealized description of unbounded chaos, an order does creatively form. There is no prescribed structure or routines. Instead the innovators of MC offer guidelines as outlined above in Table 2: Messy Church at a Glance. The shape of the programme could include four components: the welcome, the craft time, the celebration and the meal (Moore & Leadbetter 2011, 2-13, 19, 20). The order of activity and themes are adjusted for local needs. Paul Butler “offers seven ‘F’ factors: friendship, family, food, fun, faith, flexibility and fruitfulness (Butler 2013). The values of Messy Church are modeled in creativity, celebration, hospitality, Christ-centred[ness], and all- age[dness] (Butler 2013). All activities are done in groupings. The only other elements identified to host a MC programme are intentional commitment and prayer from the host community. There are several logistics to consider. Commonly the programme is held once a month in a church building unless another location that is more 95 convenient for families is made available, like a school. The programme is usually not held on Sunday mornings as many of the volunteers are church attendees. The approach is soft, with no prescribed rituals, liturgies or lectionaries other than those the community chooses to create or adapt. As this is not a drop-in day care service, parents are as much a part of the programme as the children. The parents are involved with their children in building crafts, in community celebrating and eating together. Valuable friendships and support grow as families interact together. For volunteers and attendees alike, MC is an opportunity to explore skills, use talents and ask questions about God in a safe and supportive environment. Ongoing funding also needs to be addressed. As there is no suggestion of an offering or participation fee, most programmes are sustained as an outreach ministry by a host congregation. With no prescribed programme, MC offerings often focus on a theme from the Bible but not exclusively. Science, cooking and everyday skills have been featured. Experiments of Sweaty Church and Trashy Church used athleticism and ecology as respective foci. Blogs and social media are a forum for exchanging ideas and for community building. As the movement is being accepted ecumenically, questions about theology and discipleship are being discussed. Like the early church, the idea is spreading because of the enthusiasm people feel about participating. This enthusiasm, from the Latin, ‘possessed by God’ spills into the changes people are seen making in their everyday lives. Forgiveness and healing happen in the style of Jesus’ ministry, through presence, 96 celebration, and witness in everyday life. Spiritual Disciplines Spiritual disciplines are not presented in traditional forms in MC until an attendee, usually an adult, inquires. Then they are guided to a knowledgeable volunteer, clergyperson or a small group offered by the host church. Yet the basic shape of Messy Church is the spiritual discipline of daily life: hospitality, celebration, creativity and gathering for a meal. These are the disciplines that Jesus used to spark the spirit and restore the social dignity of people who existed on the margins of temple worship. Brother Lawrence, an advocate of the spiritual discipline of everyday actions believed the difference in an action was the attitude. “Our actions should unite us with God when we are involved in our daily activities, just as our prayers unite us with him in our quiet devotions” (Herman 1970, 8). What transforms the ordinary is the attitude. Rather than do things for ourselves, he calls us to do things for God, with God, in Christ, and through the Spirit. Ring Around the Rosie With God Members of the congregation at St. Joseph of Nazareth Church in Brampton asked for a regular family-friendly worship experience where parents and children could pray and play together without the restriction of pews and protocol. So, Friday, Family, Food, Fun and Faith (5F) was formulated blending aspects of non-formal learning from YC&W and socialized learning from MC. The model that follows strives to nurture the child within a family experience that invites exploration of the Christian worldview with an openness to fresh 97 revelation appropriate for the family’s needs. Initially, the programme loosely followed the shape and values of MC. However, the incumbent made it clear that this was not a church plant. The focus was to provide young families with an opportunity to grow in faith together as a nuclear family and as a community of families. In turn they were invited to bring others from the community. At its inception, the leaders were: the incumbent, the permanent deacon, a young hearted grandmother and an ordained minister from the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) who is also an elementary school teacher with a long association with the congregation. The first two seasons included feast-day and cultural themes with a random selection of Bible stories. As the programme leader, I was tired of trying to choose appropriate Bible stories then present them in a fresh yet meaningful way. I sensed that a predictable routine was needed to give the children some continuity. The summer after the second season, I was introduced to YC&W. I had previously used child honouring ideas from The Good Shepherd and the Child, but not the lessons. YC&W provided the lessons within an ecumenical mindset. I took two workshops to learn the delivery methods and address the needs of older children. The props were created with help from congregants. A small group of grandmothers continued to commit themselves to providing meals and general clean-up. With the added narrative and response methods, 5F became more comfortable for the participants, evidenced by their leading the routines themselves. 98 Table 3. Friday Family, Food, Faith and Fun [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Table 3 details. ] Table 3, Friday, Family, Food, Faith, and Fun, shows the basic movement of the 5F programme and its alignment with YC&W, MC, and the Anglican Church liturgy. (“///” indicates an empty cell.) The adaptations for all-ages and family participation are like the changing organic rhythms of a folk song. The Anglican Eucharist gives an identifiable shape to language about God. Hospitality: Welcome and Meal 5F was advertised through Sunday worship announcements and email reminders to all families with children in the congregation. A colourful sandwich board placed beside the church sign welcomed participants and informed the neighbours of what was happening. To encourage ownership, attendees were invited to help set up the tables and chairs for dinner, puzzle the large foam mats together for floor time, make name tags when people arrived, and help children find their personalized wooden sheep they carried with them throughout the 99 evening. As well as an informal count of participants, the sheep provided a transition/comfort object for the child to relate to and interact with. The gathering circle was a time to greet families, speak a simple check-in or receive instructions before singing thanks for the meal. Listening to the Word of God To informally prepare the children for the narrative, I brought an object, challenged a picture search from the illustrated Bibles or taught a new song. When all were gathered, the children and their parents were led upstairs to the ‘big blue circle’ reserved for God stories and worship. The children decided that the blue represented water and from the story of creation, that the circle represented God all around. Some parents watched from the edge of the mats; others visited with each other. Following the YC&W model, I set the tone for the narrative by removing my shoes and encouraging some wiggles before introducing the new song for the evening. Adult volunteers and parents who were present joined in and encouraged the children. Needing to keep my focus on the props, I relied on the adults to encourage the children to share their whispered questions. Responding to the Word of God/Craft Though the children were often quietly processing during the wonder questions, as I learned to wait longer in between, some children would offer a comment or turn to speak to an adult beside them. In turn the adult encouraged the 100 child to share with the group. As the children were quick to leave to do crafts, I would explain the model and materials before they went downstairs. Because of space, time and available adults to help, I prepared one craft per night so it could be completed. Occasionally the children’s individual works were displayed as a mural or group collage that was mounted in the entrance for congregants to see on Sunday. Usually, individual works were taken home. A few times a group activity invited children to share their ideas in words. Volunteers scribed for children who needed help. While listening for the children’s ideas of ‘how we each help other people’ as in the Good Neighbour story, some parents were pleased at the details the children recounted from the narrative. More so, they were surprised when a child made a connection to an event at school or something that happened at home. Parents were invited to wait for their child to make requests for materials and ask for help. Some parents crafted beside their child. With clean up completed, a small snack was served before the children took their craft upstairs to show at worship. Volunteers attended to final cleaning. Celebrating The priest would welcome the children from his spot seated behind a mini- altar prepared with a chalice of grapes and a bowl with pieces of bread. After they had taken off their shoes, he invited the children to place their art in the middle of the circle before they found a spot to settle. Though the priest knew the theme, he was not present for the narrative or crafts. When everyone was settled, the children were invited to briefly share their artwork as it related to the narrative. 101 The priest would then begin an abbreviated worship with language adapted for children. The scripture text was read from the Bible and then the priest would talk to the children about the theme inviting them to make connections. When he began the sentence formula for the consecration, all the fidgeting would stop as the children focused on the chalice and bowl. A quiet song accompanied the distribution of communion. Everyone who was present, volunteers and families, received communion from the priest and deacon as they quietly made their way around the circle. Going into the World in God’s Name With the conclusion of the Eucharist, the children were invited to put their sheep back in the ‘fold’, assured that the priest would make sure they were safe until next time. After a group blessing, all were invited to stand and join in a rousing round of the call and response song ‘Allelu, Allelu, Allelu, Alleluia, Praise Ye the Lord.’ Summary The blended model of MC and YC&W provided a predictable routine that the children seemed comfortable with. The age-inclusiveness allowed the children to enjoy having their parents and some grandparents to relax with. The volunteers who did not have young children around enjoyed the children’s energy. The ritual opening circle was a chance to introduce people as well as a signal for the children that food was going to be served. Casually introducing the theme allowed me to learn what the children knew and helped prepare the children for the 102 transition to the story space. The patterned scripts and slow movement of the delivery of the narrative provided simple language and pace that enabled the children’s engagement. The wonder questions gave the children opportunity to pause, make connections and start to express their thoughts. Responding through art was a more relaxed time to further express their ideas and share them with their neighbours. The modified worship celebration allowed the children to share and celebrate their work and share fully in communion in a reverent way. The rousing departure praise saw everyone smiling at each other, a type of informal blessing. The children and parents now had a common structure they could relate to when they stayed in church for intergenerational worship. With the programme shape and a regular commitment of volunteers and families, an informal assessment was in order. Several aspects of the original resources had not been addressed. MC encourages the celebration and keeping track of God moments (Moore & Leadbetter 2012, 48). Volunteers noted that some children had inspired ideas but were not sure how to respond to what they saw. Because few adults were engaged with the children, as was my own childhood experience, there was limited opportunity for the children to ask questions. YC&W suggests maintaining a folder or scrapbook of each child’s work so the child could return to an unfinished piece and have a record of their work. Due to space limitations, this was not possible. When I asked the children about the crafts, several expressed wanting more variety and choice of materials and the freedom to create how and what they wanted. Logistically, even with volunteers, there were not enough adults available to encourage the children to 103 this freedom. I looked for a process that would engage parents to participate more. 104 CHAPTER 4: WITNESSING TO THE PRESENCE OF GOD IN THE VOICE AND ACTION OF CHILDREN And he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever - the spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you ... because I live, you also will live. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them. (John 14: 15-21) For three years, a monthly hospitality ministry for families at St. Joseph of Nazareth Anglican Church in Brampton had been well received. It was time to implement the changes suggested at the end of the previous chapter: expanding the art resources for the children to respond with, noticing and recording God moments, and engaging reflective conversation with the child about the narrative theme. The best person to recognize and provide consistency for these moments is a parent or adult who the child feels comfortable with and trusts. This trusted presence not only encourages,but is more likely to guide in a loving way. Melchert and Proffitt (1998) suggest it is this trust that may explain why the reign of God belongs to children as their dependency and trust of adults for daily needs is still in place. 105 Innovation My Action Research Project (ARP) was introduced into the 5F ministry to encourage each child and adult participant to “think, speak about, from, to, with, for God” (Wilmer 2004). The concepts and language of co-learning and inquiry were informally introduced with the help of trained observers who watched for attributes of spiritual activity and recorded God moments. At the children’s suggestions, a variety of different art materials were available each evening for the children to choose from and manipulate as they felt inspired. Through data collected from surveys, audio/videography, silent observation and mini-inquiry, a Documentation artefact was sent to parents to review with their children and reflect with at home. Through this and discussion within a peer focus group, the children saw their experiences re-presented and experimented with, and practiced how to describe their experiences and what else they wanted to know. The worship delivery was adjusted to encourage the children to share their work with the group. Parents were invited in the research contract to voluntarily learn and reflect along with their children and share their findings with other parents and the research team. This allowed the volunteers to focus on creating a safe welcoming environment. The data was sorted reflectively, revealing the emerging needs and experiences that would inform shifts in programme delivery. Background Sources The 5F programme was the inspiration for the Model of Spiritual Formation, “Ring Around the Rosie with God.” In the model, the experiential, multi-sensory presentation of Bible narratives and individual responses of YC&W 106 was surrounded by the group hospitality, service, and intergenerational flexibility of MC with Anglican Eucharistic worship. Neither source addressed how to listen to the child’s experiences to understand their process of thinking, inner wisdom or experience of God Moments. To address these elements, the components and language of co-learning, open-ended inquiry and Documentation were introduced from the Reggio-Inspired Approach. In giving direction for creating good research, Booth states, “Listen to others as you would have others listen to you” (Booth 2008, xvii). This research would involve listening to children with mutual respect. The Bible provides a model in the story of Samuel and Eli. The child Samuel hears a voice in the night, thinking that Eli, his mentoring elder is calling him. The third time the child came to him prepared to serve, Eli discerned that it was God calling the boy. To test this, Eli instructed the boy to speak directly to God next time saying, “Speak. I’m your servant ready to listen.” Samuel did as he was told. In the morning Eli calls the boy to him and inquires, ‘What did he say?’ So Samuel told him, word for word. ... Eli said, ‘He is God. Let him do whatever he thinks best.’... Samuel grew up. God was with him.” (1 Samuel 3:1-21 MSG). Samuel, trusting Eli’s discernment and open inquiry, acted on his mentor’s suggestion to understand for himself the voice of God working in his life. Theological issues of authority and relationship as in the story above, are relevant to this research. Samuel comes to his elder in obedience to Eli’s authority over him. Eli honours this trust and rather than impose his own ideas, takes the time to discern that another authority is speaking to Samuel. Eli shows Samuel the 107 vulnerability of mutual respect and trust by guiding Samuel to address God himself. When Samuel recounts his experience, Eli does not judge it, but honours the message as true for Samuel and encourages him to follow it, thus developing his inner authority and intuition formed by God’s action and voice within himself. Another relational theological issue is the honouring of different religions. Members at St. Joseph’s include mixed-denomination and mixed-religion families. Raising a child in two traditions requires a faith understanding that celebrates common beliefs and respects those that are different. Nye and Hay affirm that, though difficult to define, spirituality is an innate quality in people across cultures including children (Watson 2000, 94). In the late 1990s, the Child Theology Movement (CTM) was convened to do exactly that, to rethink beliefs and church teachings with a “fresh and constructive thinking about God and God’s kingdom informed by and attentive to children in their various global contexts” (CTM 2018). As well as living in a post- Christian time, Brampton, a culturally diverse city, provides a rich global context. To be purposeful, knowledge requires application. The International Association of Children’s Spirituality (IACS) was formed in 2006 to support research into best practices for children’s spiritual development in educational and similar environments (IACS 2006). Resources from their journal along with characteristics assembled with permission from Marsha Sinetar (Sinetar 2000, 13) (Appendix D) from her book Spiritual Intelligence: What We Can Learn From the Early Awakening Child, were used to inform the observers of the importance of a neutral and open attitude when observing and inquiring into children’s spiritual 108 lives as well as what attributes to look for. Susan Ridgely in her book, The Study of Children in Religion: A Methods Handbook (2005) presents a collection of voice that recount different ways spiritual life can be recognized and the need for trained sensitivity when doing research with children. One writer, Chris Boyatzis asserts “what is needed is a genuine qualitative approach that entails patient, careful listening to children while speaking with them in extended conversation” (Boyatzis 2011, 22). Priscilla Alderson emphasizes the need for careful, uncritical questioning (Alderson 2011, 62). Ridgely herself advises to “agree with the children that they know more about their religion” than the researcher and “to give the control of the project to the children” (Ridgely 2011). With the input of child consultants, as Ridgely suggests, the theological and spiritual formation process will be “interpreted in the exchange and with the contribution of different points of view” (Ridgely 2011). Other writers encourage active interaction with children. “Rigorous AR contributes to the re-organizing of patterns of communication by encouraging new forms of discussion and talks... between people and groups who do not normally enter into dialogues with each other” (Melrose 2001, 176). Jerome Berryman asserts that it is the adult that has to “allow the child’s experience of God to influence those around them, including the adult. Like a smile, perhaps” (Berryman 1995,14). These concepts are all found within the methodology and principles of the Reggio Emelia Inspired Approach used in Ontario public schools. As well, there is a statement on holistic well-being in the Ontario education documents: “Mental 109 health and emotional well-being involve the healthy balance of all aspects of life: physical, intellectual, social, emotional, and spiritual” (Government of Ontario 2015, 39). Though it is possible under the right circumstances such as in separate and private schools, because religious education is not mandatory in schools in Ontario the spiritual is not likely to be addressed, even as a topic for academic discussion. Wright suggests “authentic spiritual education must begin by recognizing and nurturing children into the specific spiritual tradition they bring with them to the classroom” (Watson 2000, 98). Though I am able to witness God’s spirit in children from diverse religions present in our community, as a public school educator I am not allowed to nurture it though religious leaders can come to the school to do so. As religious education was not offered at the schools attended by most of the children in the research, 5F provided this nurturing opportunity. This project brought current research methods and classroom pedagogical best practices to the church to support and nurture the children in their own spiritual tradition. Supervision, Permission and Access As the research investigator, I complied with the guidelines and restrictions of the Tri-Council Policy Statement on Ethical Conduct for Research Involving Humans (2014), and the Research Ethics Board (REB) of Tyndale University approval September 28, 2018 under the supervision of Prof. Mark Chapman. The research delivery was supervised by the incumbent of St. Joseph of Nazareth Church, who informed the church Wardens of the research project being added to the 5F offering (Appendix D) and ensured the completion of Police 110 Checks for working with Vulnerable People as well as instruction under the Sexual Misconduct Policy of the Diocese of Toronto. Though I am an ordained minister in the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) in Canada and the U.S.A., I hold no clerical standing in the Anglican Church. Rather, under the incumbent’s invitation and approval, I assist with children and families' ministries. As a public school educator, I am accountable to the Professional Standards of the Ontario College of Teachers (OCT 1997). As a psycho-spiritual therapist, I am accountable to the Ministerial Code of Ethics of the Disciples (DOC 2015), the Code of Ethics of the Canadian Association of Spiritual Caregivers (CASC 2004) and the College of Registered Psychotherapists (CRPO 2017). The individual observers were accountable to the ethical codes OCT or College of Early Childhood Educators (CECE 2017). Three professional teaching peers and one church member were observers. To the children and parents of the congregation, I am the programme leader and a church member. To the teaching profession observers, I am a colleague. To the incumbent, I am an ecumenical collaborator. Though the church has a website, it was not used to disperse information to protect the identity and confidentiality of the participants. All communication was done through a closed collection of e-mail addresses provided by the parents. The research was held over four sessions at St. Joseph of Nazareth Anglican Church in Brampton, Ontario. With a last minute approval, the programme started September 28, 2018 with the last focus group held February 23, 2019, the time allowable for course completion. Each 5F session was 111 approximately two-and-a-half hours long. Initially, time for active observation was approximately 45 minutes, the time required for listening to the word, a Bible story, and responding to the word. Only the children were actively observed with adult interaction noted only as it related to a child. The target group was school- aged children between the ages of four to ten years. Data collection was limited to verbal, non-verbal, movement and artistic expression created and described by the children. All art renderings were photographed before the children took them home. Once a routine was established, the ongoing focus was on specific observations for God Moments based on the Observing Tool. Attendance fluctuated, ranging from 19 to 35 participants, of whom half or more were always children. One child attended every session, with most attending two or three (Appendix E). Because contact time with the families was limited to once a month, the parents were asked to view the Documentation at home with their child. Feedback of reflections at home was limited by the parents’ responsiveness. The forwarded comments were triangulated with the Focus group observations and original observations to inform awareness of evolving transformation. Methodology and Methods My Action Research Model was chosen as the appropriate methodology for this project as it included participant involvement and allowed for the emergent, experiential and experimental strategies considered pedagogical best practice for this age group. The refinement of the model for this research came primarily from the principles of the Reggio Emilia Approach (Ontario Reggio 112 Association 2018) and the Government of Ontario: Inquiry Based Learning module (2013). The consent process followed the Tri-Council Policy Statement on the Ethical Conduct for Research Involving Humans 2014 standard for qualitative research and consent application providing a common statement of ethical practice and expectations to ensure the children’s safety. All observations, once transferred to the dedicated computer, were dated and collated to create a chronological sequence of events. Audio/video clips were transcribed and individual photos were extracted to describe the children’s thinking, an activity that formed the final shape of each Documentation. In sorting the data, awareness for refined observing for God moments, individual children’s needs, possible art materials to consider and future themes emerged. Four Documentation binders were produced. Each Documentation artefact included a process and product page for each child in an attempt to illustrate the flow of the participants’ interactions and activity of the evening in order to make the children’s thinking and experience visible. As transformation growth emerged adjustments were made to reflect changing needs. The preparation and reflection on the data to create the Documentation initially involved one non-participant observer and myself. The completed Documentation was sent to each family with a Home Guide of leading questions (Appendix F) and ideas for reviewing the Documentation with the children. Parents were encouraged to note the children’s comments and return them to me. At the following 5F, the children were involved in a focused reflection of the previous Documentation before proceeding with the evening’s new theme. 113 With the fourth Documentation, A Final Documentation Reflection Guide and BIG Question review was sent to the parents (Appendix G). The accumulated data was sorted using the Tool for Observing to determine the presence and frequency of the thirty attributes and inform any shifts in responses that signalled transformation. Phases and Timetable An overview of the phases and timetable are described below. A more detailed timetable can be found in Appendix H. Six months before the expected start of the project, I invited colleagues to be observer-participants. Research articles addressing non-obtrusive observation, and visible attributes of spirituality in children were given to the observers to build a common vocabulary and understanding for observing, reflecting, analyzing and creating Documentation and programme presentation. By early September, all observers having completed the required safety protocols, toured the facility and discussed strategies for observing emergent processing such as holding a more detached view. The project was introduced to the congregation through a pulpit and bulletin announcement on the first Sunday of September, then through an e-mail distribution to previously participating families (Appendix I). In consultation with the incumbent, (Appendix J), consent forms and instructions to participants were adjusted to include an orientation session (Appendix K) offered after Sunday worship service to explain the protocols, answer questions, and distribute participant information surveys, consent and assent letters (Appendices Land M). The children’s assent was 114 important to affirm the child’s willing participation and role as a consultant. The Information Survey had two components (Appendix N). Part A requested basic identification and safety information, especially health sensitivities, as food would be served. Part B requested church/religion related experiences and any family routines that were spiritually based, i.e., prayers, Bible reading/video viewing. This provided a baseline to inform the child’s perception of God. A poster with the ‘Four Big Questions’ was provided for casual reference at home (Appendix O). Adult volunteers and observers completed the survey and consent forms including confidentiality and data management clauses (Appendix P). The volunteers were coached in modelling co-learning techniques to use when assisting with crafts, serving food, and cleaning up with the children. The preparation for the first cycle began the week of September 16 when I met with the incumbent to discuss the menu, song, craft activities, and other needs for the programme night. The first Bible narrative was “The Good Shepherd” (Stewart & Berryman 1989, 85). The choice for subsequent Bible narratives emerged from the children’s work. A file for the completed surveys was started and locked in a cupboard in the church office. A list of consenting/assenting participants was created the day before the first evening. Findings, Interpretation and Outcome Development The findings, interpretations and outcomes below were described using the framework of the model “Ring Around the Rosie with God” with comments focusing on the four hermeneutical dimensions presented by Goodliff: relational, 115 reflective, creative, transcendent (Goodliff 2013). Each stage will be presented as it was transformed over the four repetitions followed by the analysis of the data, the evolution of the Documentation, and consideration of changes experienced by the research team. Hospitality to all Ages: Relational For most of the research time, the children experienced the same routine, the same volunteers within the same environment moving from the basement for food and crafts to the big blue circle in the narthex for the narratives and worship. The third evening was limited to one room in the upper hall and the priest was absent. With the familiar volunteers present, the children adapted well to the change in location and responded in a subtle new and unexpected way that will be described with the Eucharist. The research participants were pre-primary to junior school-aged children accompanied by a parent or grandparent. Having attended some form of day programme most had developed safe social skills. All but one of the seven families had participated in 5F before. The number of children in attendance ranged from as low as 5 the first night to 13 the last night. Parents informed the incumbent if a child would be absent. This helped with preparing materials and food. In most cases the same adult brought the same children. The energy level and activity fluctuated with the attendance of different families and with familiarity over time. Over the months, the children brought their parents into the meeting space with more eagerness and expectation. At first, some younger 116 children were observed anticipating an intervention and later only checking with their parent for permission or assistance to use something new. Older children were more intentional in their requests or indicated they could manage themselves. However, with their parent more available, all children welcomed assurance and acknowledgement for their problem-solving skills and creativity, often responding with a quick non-verbal gesture or a smile. On the first evening the gathering and mealtime were intentionally observation-free to allow the observers to make themselves known to the children and increase the children’s comfort and familiarity with the observers to encourage responses to be as comfortable and natural as possible (Goodliff 2013, 12). At subsequent gatherings, at the observers’ suggestion, casual observations were made of the whole evening including mealtime as it was noted that the clustering at meal set the mood for some children. One child, whose older sibling no longer participated, watched for a friend who did not arrive. Her face indicated that she was sad then she shook herself and smiled and proceeded to look for an empty seat. She worked beside her new neighbour later in the evening. This shift created an opportunity for new friendships and new parent interactions. Sharing the Word: Reflective Gathering the children with illustrated Bibles at hand gave an opportunity to show the children how to look through the book and for the children to challenge each other to find the most pictures. This gave me an opportunity to discern what the children already knew about the theme. In October, to introduce 117 the story of the Fishnet, the children were invited to search for pictures of fish and nets. One child pointed to a whale with a man inside. A neighbour on inspecting the picture exclaimed, “Oh my Goodness! Oh my Goodness! How did that man get inside the whale’s tummy?” The conversation continued by identifying the fish as a whale and not a shark, demonstrated with hand gestures of water spouting versus a fin on the head. A verse of the popular song “Baby Shark” spontaneously erupted. This unanticipated moment would reappear in several children’s artwork. Documentation, Big Questions: Reflective The first evening, posters of the Big Questions were introduced orally and discussed casually from the floor mats before moving to the Big Blue Circle. The presence of more parents helped support their children’s needs allowing me to focus on the songs that signalled the story time. Most of the children remembered the routines for self-regulating and settled themselves. The second evening, this reflection time started with a review of the Documentation that had been sent to their homes. This first review was held in the sanctuary so the Documentation was visible on the screen. Most children chose to sit away from their parents. As I began describing the slides, I noticed the glazed look in some children’s eyes, a symptom of zoning out. I shifted into a briefer more animated review of the pages. The children joined in when I started singing the song. Eyes lit up when children saw themselves in the photo pages but dulled when I started to read the text. There was too much description. We did not return 118 to the sanctuary for a reflection experience, rather future reviews were much briefer and in a more intimate space. To compensate for the children who had not seen the Documentation previously, I laid out the laminated version of the new Documentation for the children to inspect and share when they first arrived allowing them to find their own page. Other than a reminder of the previous story some children did not seem too interested. When I introduced the Big Questions, there was more response. On subsequent evenings as new attending children heard the questions for the first time, the children who had heard the questions before became more energized, explained what they understood and even shared their own experiences. Two questions drew the most response. “What is a God Moment?” One child answered confidently, “It’s a time you talk to God.” By the fourth evening there was a shift to “So that’s what happened last week.” The earlier response seemed child- initiated, a thought-out response. The latter response shifted to a sense of the child receiving an insight. The question “How do you know it’s a God Moment?” brought answers that included feelings and gestures: “Because I just know, (smile and shrug).”; “You feel fuzzy all over!”; “You might feel comfortable.”; ”You feel safe!’’; “It makes you feel like you are not alone.” The other two questions did not receive much attention. “How do you let other people know when you have a God Moment?” Answers popped out, “We sing!” The question, “What is it like when you tell somebody?” was answered with a long pause. Eventually someone spoke in a matter-of-fact way, “It feels 119 safe.” When I inquired, it was affirmed that being in a church activity was a part of what made it safe. The act of letting people know seemed of little interest. This might be because of the children’s age, the limited vocabulary they have to share their growing awareness of God moments, or the experience was normalized. What the children did not or could not yet articulate was observed as they worked creating their responses and as their collective intuitive actions of sharing, waiting, and listening became more reflective than active in tone throughout an evening. Hearing the Word: Reflective, Transcendent The narration is a time for listening to and experiencing the word of God. The stories shared over the four evenings were: The Good Shepherd, the Fishnet, The Great Banquet, and Follow-Me, all parables about the Kingdom of Heaven. Accompanying songs can be found in Appendix Q. When the children gathered, they coached new attendees to keep the story space open so that everyone could see. While waiting for the narration, the anticipation some children felt was visible in their quick settling which prompted others to do the same. As the narration progressed and the props were revealed some of the comments the children made were factual, some reflective, and others inspired. In the story of the Fishnet, as the net came down to cover the fish, one child who is adept at whispering very quietly to his father, exclaimed with surprise, “Dad, they got all the fish!” His just audible voice spoke what the rest of the intensely focused 120 children were seeing and possibly feeling. Children commented about the colour and position of the fish as they were being sorted. One child suddenly quipped, “I want to eat some fish. Tuna fish. Do we have any tuna fish?” A few giggles answered, then quiet resumed. It was noticed, that even on the first evening, by the end of the story, as the children became intent on the narration, a deep calm settled over the normally busy group. Responding: Reflective, Creative, Transcendent The Wonder questions that followed the story were the first opportunity for the children to respond out loud. The first evening, I thought that the children were quiet because I had spoken the questions too quickly. The second evening when I left more space between questions, a few children answered, a parent offered a thought, but for the most part the children seemed quiet as though contemplating or still in the mood of the story. This quieter, reflective mood continued as the children proceeded to the craft supply table to select their materials. The informal process of reflecting, the work of making meaning and responding to the word through crafting showed in different ways. Some children quietly and intentionally chose a selection of materials, found a workspace and got to task at creating the idea they had in their head. Others watched and were inspired by what their neighbour was doing. Ideas were borrowed, offered, or sometimes actually added to a neighbour’s work. In most instances these additions were not anticipated or invited yet were accepted. Younger siblings who 121 often imitated their elder, over time, started to show autonomy and independence in choosing their craft medium. On the third evening, the story of the Great Banquet, when we did not change rooms, one of the younger children remained at the story space for ten minutes, using the props replaying how to set the banquet for the children’s individual wooden sheep she had assembled around the table. As she shuffled the pictures, she chanted a rhyme, “What food will I feed the sheep today? What will they eat? What will they eat?” When she finished making meaning in her own way, she quietly put everything in the story box and went on her way. This prepared me for the next gathering when her older brother asked to use the story pieces along with several other children, a social branching out for him. Video taken of a child telling about their final product sometimes differed from earlier footage of the same child in process reflecting a shift in their thinking. Some art responses were more experiential than identifiable. Inspired by the textures or changeable nature of the medium, children experimented at mixing, marveling and sharing their observations of what happens when you mix clay and sand or paint, glue and glitter. One older child, having finished her representation spent time enjoying the feeling of paint on her hands. Some children danced as they worked or hummed to themselves. On one occasion one girl quietly chanted Frere Jacques while she was painting. First her brother joined in, then the next table, until most of the children were humming or chanting along. The children responded positively to their parents’ availability, looking up 122 when they needed something or asking any available adult to hold something or fetch an item. A sense of community started to develop around certain materials like paint or sand where one parent tried to anticipate what colour needed refilling on the shared plates. Some parents sat beside their children and became artist assistants. Following the lead of the observers, they started using inquiry language when asking questions. For example, one mother watching her child’s brush hovering over a different paint pot, looked at an observer and pointed. The observer whispered a suggestion and then quietly spoke, “I see you are changing colours.” The mother mentioned later that her first reaction had been to ask, “Why did you use orange?” Once the children were engaged and in the flow of their work, there never seemed to be enough time for them to finish. Sometimes the call to clean up, that forced last minute touches, brought a child’s hovering hand to the spot that had been eluding them. Some children who knew they were not finished would carry a last few pieces of paper with them to put in place when they settled again for Worship. A small snack made available when their hands were clean, became an anticipated delight. The Eucharist: Relating, Reflecting, Transcendence Over several years, the Eucharist liturgy was modified to support the children’s needs. The litany was shortened. Prayers with predictable responses or melodies were the same. At the first ARP evening, the priest listened and asked how a child’s picture related to the narrative. One evening, the priest politely 123 listened to a young child describe what looked like a circle of clay with gems in it. The priest asked, “These gems are like fish swimming in the ocean?” The child responded, “Yes, but these are not fish, they are gems.” Trying to make a connection, the priest continued, “You know, sometimes Jesus talked about us being like a gem. You know, sometimes we are like fish.” The child undaunted replied. “Ha, ha! Funny Jesus!” Children who had been restless throughout the picture sharing, Bible reading, and reflection given by the priest would quickly settle into a quiet mode when the bread and grapes were being blessed. Besides the motivation of food, with all the children being focused on the familiar mini-altar, distractions were reduced. The third evening when the priest was not present the sharing and reflection time was transformed. The children had adjusted to the smaller space by moving more slowly and carefully around the furniture and each other. Rather than wait to have their artwork and story videographed, the children who finished first gathered on the rug and started sharing. As other children joined, the already gathered children attentively listened and commented directly to the speaker. Following the children’s lead, I waited until there was a natural pause to invite the deacon to start the prepared prayers. Other children joined the circle wanting to share, so we paused the prayers. When all the children had finished speaking, the deacon spoke an even shorter version of the prayers. The children indicated in their action of acceptance that this was the transition to the closing song. As we cleaned up, the team remarked that something had transpired during the response 124 sharing though it was not readily evident. Though the space had been smaller and for some more distracting, and there had been new participants, the children seemed eager to respond to the narrative, were innovative in unexpected ways and had been intently engaged. Unprompted, the children naturally enacted an unanticipated change in the Worship delivery. We adults witnessed this transformation and followed their lead. In reflection, the children as a group had transcended the protocol, and in a sense, made it their own. In reflection, I would identify this as a MEG or Moment of Extraordinary Grace. This innovation was related to the priest for his consideration. When the priest returned the fourth evening, he acknowledged the children’s initiative in sharing to now be the focus of reflection time by asking their approval of him having the prayers, responses and scripture text first. Several children understood and nodded or smiled indicating their agreement. The reflection sharing then proceeded with an energy that was more focused on listening to each other, acknowledging each other and not watching for who would speak next. Without cuing, the children naturally discerned when their neighbour had finished and began to share. By themselves, the children refocused and maintained this energy through some unanticipated distractions. The priest’s receptiveness gave permission for the inspiration of two children on either side of him to gracefully imitate his gestures of blessing over the communion as though joined with him by an invisible string. 125 Going out: Relational Each evening concluded with the rowdy singing of the familiar echo praise chorus, Allelu, Allelu, Allelu, Alleluia, Praise Ye the Lord. The transformation from a quiet, reflective, attentive group of children to a noisy throng who bounced out the door were witness to both God’s deep calm and the spirit of delight that the children had flowed within throughout the evening. Children who were often active had accepted the spirit of calm. Children who were often quiet gained courage to exclaim their surprise. Children who were not certain about what they had created used the safe space the group created to speak the story that unrolled for them in the moment. Children whose movements were often clumsy experienced a gracefulness when they imitated the prayer song gestures. Children who may not have been able to articulate it, showed sparks of God having been present to them at some point during the evening with a skip or hum. Having arrived alone with their parent in staggered timing, the children spent the evening interacting with other children and adults experiencing the word of God together. At the end of the night the children, with their art in hand, walked out together, chatting and commenting on the work of children passing by as the families separated to carry the message they had experienced to those waiting at home. Data Analysis: Relational, Reflective Of the three sets of observation notes collected, the silent observers’ 126 written observations were the most difficult to sustain as scribing interrupted the watching. These observations included large group dynamics and periphery action as well as that of individual children. The children engaged her when they wanted something. When individual children were left to their own timing, most children were able to follow directions, make smooth transitions and friendly interactions themselves. Direction or help offered by another child was often accepted. By the third session, younger children who initially stayed close to their parent accepted or initiated interaction with other children or a different adult. The verbal observer watched and inquired into children’s individual actions, choices, feelings, thoughts, non-verbal responses or however else a child might express themself. The verbal contact allowed for a familiarity in relating with a child. In one instance when one child was observed to be unusually quiet, her parent occupied with another sibling, the observer offered to be a companion until the parent was available. The child shared her thoughts about her work and later gave the observer permission to share them with the group. A bond had been created. The videographer captured changes in individual facial expressions, larger action, narrative accounts as well as overall environmental shifts. Not bound by scribing, this observer was able to capture details of the interactions between the other observers and children as well as quickly note casual activity happening around the room. Capturing each child speaking about their art product during the work time as well as large group sharing provided samples of idea consolidation as well as ongoing thought processing. 127 Observing the video footage verified and amplified the notes of the other observers. Replay allowed for repeated listening for more accurate transcription. In one sample, replay completely changed the understanding of the observation. Child A was observed talking to himself after child B had walked away from their story play. Child A, now alone, was muttering to himself and resetting the pieces. The two children had been observed manipulating two wooden figures in a pushing, unbalanced manner along a cloth strip and then they stopped. At first glance it seemed that child B’s actions with the figure were aggressive. What might be thought to be mutterings of dissatisfaction by child A at having been left alone, were his re-play of the unbalanced action of the figures in the story where one was attempting to carry the other figure that had been injured at the side of the road. This clarification confirmed the need for the observers to note activity as objectively as possible. During initial sorting, a direction of spiritual growth emerged to guide the choice and sequence of parables describing the Kingdom of Heaven. The Good Shepherd introduced the relational nature of valuation and safety under Jesus’ care. The Fishnet invited reflection about choices in life and the consequences. The Great Banquet illustrated unrelenting creativity in sharing God’s bounty and in refusing the invitation. Follow Me, modelled kind service to the marginalized and the possibility of transcending cultural norms. When sorting the transcribed data into spiritual attributes, it soon became apparent that another level of analysis was needed. Using the hermeneutical dimensions suggested by Goodliff the thirty attributes were sorted into the four 128 dimensions: relational, reflective, creative and transcendent (Goodliff 2013). Some data fit clearly into one dimension. Others fit into two dimensions depending on the child and the context (Appendix R). In analyzing the frequency of observing specific spiritual attributes, it was noted that not all attributes were observed each evening or in every child. As the observers’ acuity in observing developed, more spiritual attributes were noted more often. The most frequently observed attributes were connection to self and others, being pragmatic, possibility, holy ideal and reflection and something clicks. The more often observed were experiences of delight, change in understanding, subjectivity, built- in authority, and broad worldview. Next came a creative sense, meaning, single- mindedness, knowledge given, weird notions, closeness to God, and the cosmos is alive. Less observed were attributes of acute self-awareness, solitary, mystery/awe, altruistic/generous and developed humour. Lesser seen were healthy choices, moral elevation, peace, and loss of time. Least noted were strong opinion, gratitude, and intuition. Deep sense of self was not observed. (Appendix S) In analyzing the frequency, no one hermeneutical dimension was prominent. Rather over an evening, each of the four dimensions was visible. The spike in October for connecting with others is attributed to the personalities and number of the new children who arrived. They are cousins. However, this research was not focused on quantitative results, rather on qualitative. In noting qualitative responses over time, transformation of the children and other participants’ experience was observed. This was the revealed inspiration behind the witness of God in the voice and action of the children. Creating the Documentation provided 129 the reflection and visible evidence of this. Documentation: Reflecting, Creativity After duplications were reduced and the video clips were transcribed, material was sequenced to create the Documentation. The initial Documentation focused on the story, its text and the Big Questions followed by one page for each child describing their activity throughout the listening-response time. I chose this narrow focus to re-present the child’s progressive experience. From this recall, they might make a better connection to others’ activity. Feedback was received from one family. The younger sibling who had not attended the first event had eagerly waited to see what he had missed. His mother shared that he soon lost interest because there were too many words. When I reviewed the Documentation with the children the next gathering, it quickly became obvious that focusing intentionally on one person was not interesting or accurate. The children did not work in isolation but in a web of connections that started the moment they arrived. Considering these suggestions, and the expanding of the observation time the second Documentation was designed as a retelling of the entire evening. When preparing the photos according to the flow of events, it became clear how some children mingled, watched, or sought alone time during different activities. A collage format revealed that no two children responded the same way. The format for the individual pages was de-cluttered. Two pictures were chosen to support the child’s verbatim description of their art product. Because many of the descriptions included pointing, I described these actions in parentheses and used a 130 different font to differentiate the child’s speech. The sibling who previously had walked away from the first Documentation was excited to review the next one and approved the changes. The mother remarked at this younger sibling’s eagerness to share the Documentation with his father and additional excitement in translating it into French to share with his grandmother. I interviewed these siblings before the second evening. I inquired about the changes in supplies and the presence of the observers. The older sibling commented that the videoing was weird at first. It did not bother the younger, quieter sibling. Usually reserved when in a large grouping, he spoke clearly and confidently for the camera. Leading with the recognition that there was too much text, I invited the children to problem solve with me on how to change this. The parentheses were acceptable, but it was awkward to distinguish the speech. We decided on a change in colour rather than font for text. Having refined the text, the next challenge was representing the atmosphere. They liked seeing themselves in activity with others rather than being isolated. This recalled who was present that evening. For the third Documentation, the observers, now familiar with most of the children and their routines, made a point of noticing and inquiring into God moments. I tightened up the text to remove my editor presence by placing coloured spots in the photos to match what the child was describing. In the fourth and final Documentation, the observations overwhelmingly pointed to the new sense of community, awareness, and acknowledgement of God’s presence that the children showed. This was most evident in the children’s 131 respective narrations that had become more detailed and were shared with a reverent tone reflecting the prominent place the priest gave them in the worship. Even with a careful selection of photos with children in the flow, the palpable third dimension of the evening was difficult to transcribe onto the two- dimensional page Research Team: Reflecting Though the research team was not a part of the data, their developing skills for observing spiritual attributes and God moments influenced the acuity and type of data they collected over time. With more parents present and involved, the volunteers were not distracted from the enjoyment of serving the children. The priest, already comfortable being with the children, experienced a new respect for their responsive art and their narrations. The children responded to his sensitive listening by entering into the worship in a deeper way. The most notable change I experienced from the research project was the increase of and depth in relational opportunities. With other adults observing, I was able to be present to the children with less distraction. Reviewing the data each month, I became aware of the children in new ways that I watched for and encouraged at future gatherings. With parents present and engaged, I was able to watch the children interact with their parent and encourage co-learning and inquiry with their child along with the observers. Most of my reflection happened while transcribing notes and preparing the Documentation. The evidence of the children’s receptivity to trust new people and new opportunities brought up some of my own past experiences of accepting 132 opportunity when I felt vulnerable. When I observed the children’s willingness to respond to inquiries and engage their parents in co-learning, I was seeing from a place bigger than my own eyes. My perceptive lens was being cleaned. At times I felt relief and delight when the children broke out in spontaneous twirls and claps of glee, chants and singing, sparkling eyes and subtle smiles that I was feeling myself. This meant I did not need to motivate them, and it gave me permission to acknowledge these experiences in my own life. The response of the children to be welcomed and welcoming and “let the children come” to Jesus in their own way gave me permission to reflect on my own childhood and ongoing life experiences as unique but not isolated experiences of God moments that are shareable with others. As the children started to take ownership of different aspects of the programme, I felt I was no longer the animator, but a privileged companion on their journey. An unanticipated deepening in exploratory and intimate thought between myself and the individual observers developed as we commented on spiritual activity in the moment and reflected on it later. Bringing our skills together these evenings created a synergy and flow we could not experience at our workplace. Summary Over the four evenings the Action Research Project was delivered, combining awareness of spiritual formation with current educational methodology, children were observed and listened to by three trained observers who used a list of spiritual attributes to attune their interactions and observations. The children were presented with four parables describing the Kingdom of God 133 using presentation techniques from YC&W. Though many of the children already knew each other from church, their relating became more intimate and interactive with God’s word, each other, and the different adults present, including parents, volunteers and observers. Inquiry language and an attitude of co-learning were used by the observers to encourage the children to explore new possibilities with the materials. Individual and group sharing of their artwork provided for the children to ask questions among themselves, clarify their thoughts and voice their experiences and understanding of God in a new way. Observation data was transcribed and reflectively interpreted in four sequential Pedagogical Documentations. Each Documentation was sent to the families for reflection using four Big Questions. This was repeated as a large group experience to prompt discussion. Of the seven families participating, one family provided regular feedback in response to the monthly Documentation. This guided programming and ongoing development in the Documentation preparation to better reflect the relational and personal transformative experiences of the children. This process led to refinement in the observers’ awareness of the children’s actions, energy and speech, influencing the choice of narratives presented, the materials made available, and eventually the fluidity and reverence of art response sharing during the evening’s Worship service. Over time, having an attentive parent present as listener and consultant who witnessed and appreciated their growth, children responded with more artistic discovery and outward reflection and expression. The involvement of their personal stories and openness to inspiration were visible in the children’s picture 134 style, content, use of multi-media, experimentation and investment of time. A changed response to their inner voice was revealed as the children became more involved in their responses. Their connection to their verbal storytelling became more intimate and intentional. Knowing and anticipating that they would be sharing their work and ideas, the children also grew in their mutual respect and interest in others’ sharing. The effect of the children on the adults was noted particularly by the observers, the priest, and the researcher. In turn, each responded in awe at the children’s natural collaboration, wisdom, intensity and focus that drew each of us into their experience in a different way. This invited shared pondering about the changes being intentional, incidental or inspired. Implications The research project proved itself to be a valuable witness of the visible and invisible energy, response and transformation of the children at play and work with God’s word, each other, and their families. With new tools to extend their own curiosity and interest in Biblical themes the children formed a trusting community for further exploration. After the research period ended, one child was inspired to collect ideas for a family games-night, expanding on some of the narratives presented during the research project and invoking others she knew. This was a fitting post-research, child-initiated celebration. Church leaders who were involved experienced children in a different way. The incumbent, accustomed to explaining an idea during the Children’s Moment in the Sunday worship service, changed his delivery. Rather than tell the 135 children his point, he inquired into what they knew, making himself vulnerable to surprise answers that might be unrelated yet others that were profound. The Sunday school teacher related how the group of mixed-aged children attending on Sunday morning, which included the 5F children, surprised her with their creative and profound interpretations of a group activity. They showed an understanding well beyond what she had presented, expected, or anticipated. She related how she used the children’s wisdom at work herself later in the week. The other observers have each spoken of the difference the experience made in how they notice and observe children in both professional teaching and their personal life. Each of them, including myself, were challenged to unlearn our expectations about children’s development, knowledge, understanding, delight and experience in, to, with and about God. This conversation continues as each of us stops to observe our own often unnoticed or logically explained-away experiences of God. The children were a witness to the congregation. To explain how funds were used and celebrate the families at play and worship together, a sample of the October Documentation was presented at the Annual General Meeting. The Documentation binders continue to be available to the participating families and congregation at large for reminiscing and reflecting. The skills learned with the children are transferable. As a psychotherapist, the observation tool is integrated into my work with adults and families as well as children. More importantly, it is being integrated into my own awareness of God moments in my life in community and as a companion with others on their 136 Spiritual Journey. For Documentation to be effective it requires commitment of/ engagement by the parents, training of the videographer and time to create documentation. To maintain a sense of novelty, Documentation could be created only for special occasions like the annual Good Friday Family Worship. There are several research ideas that spring from this project. The first might be limiting the observation of spiritual attributes by choosing one hermeneutical dimension or focusing on moments of ordinary and extraordinary grace to create a smaller focus for deeper awareness. Longitudinal research with the same children could give insight into their ongoing use and transformation of the experience in childhood. A study could observe the response of children with identified learning needs. There are also implications beyond the church community. Because of the adaptive nature of the model, with creativity and commitment the programme could expand to an outreach ministry for families in the neighbourhood. For continuity, this would need to be an initiative of the existing families to include and welcome others rather than exclusively an action of the leadership. Alternatively, an ecumenical family ministry among the three churches in the neighbourhood could better inform and align their outreach ministries to serve the needs of the neighbourhood children collaboratively rather than separately. Beyond Christianity, the approach could be used in different faiths by adding core stories of respective religions. Though appropriate for religious schools, the model would need to be 137 further adjusted for use in public schools to include children from different religions and cultures. Character Education has been introduced into public schools in Ontario to teach social responsibility. Though it is listed as a component of healthy living in the Ontario Health and Physical Education curriculum there are limited resources or guidance available to educators about spiritual health and development. The tool for observing is a starting point for educators to discuss the difference between values, character and the spiritual self. 138 CHAPTER 5: CONCLUSION The innovations of the research project introduced contemporary child- centred developmentally appropriate pedagogy into the process of spiritual formation of children that honours and uses the knowledge, experience and curiosity of the child. Different from traditional Sunday school, the focus was on nurturing the relationship of God and self through the personalized reflection, integration and expression of the child’s experience. This provided each child with a way to integrate and remember the story for its meaning to them at the time rather than accept a meaning suggested by an adult. Because children were encouraged to respond according to their own learning needs, knowledge and interests they are more likely to internalize the meaning. The introduction to acknowledging and responding to the movement of the Spirit in a child’s life created a foundation for life-long reflection, discernment and interpretation of the child’s own and others’ experiences of faith. This experience within a community created a path for building empathy, compassion, and trust among families who they will know as long as they attend the church or perhaps longer. The tool for observing, though innovative, was found to be of limited use 139 by the observers. It provided a common language to identify indicators of spiritual presence and awareness but was cumbersome and inadequate to capture the full experience of the child as observed in the moment and as reflected in their experience of transformation. However, it was helpful for sorting the data and clarifying how a child flowed through different dimension at different times. The visual account in the Documentation, like a family album, was an opportunity for a personal memory jog but also for recalling the spiritual experiences and transformative events. The Documentation provided for community awareness and transformed response to the Spirit’s presence. Because of the extended and repeated listening and working on their own pieces in community, the children and families developed a bond of appreciation and familiarity for each other as families. This treasure will remain at the church as a gift to the participants. Ministry to children with their parents provided opportunities for parents to learn about their own faith with and from their own child as well as others. The learning was opened up to include inter-generational discussion, something school and work, the respective social experiences of children and adults, are not designed for. Ministry to families invited a trust and appreciation to form among the children, among the adults and across the generations and families, with faith stories as the common bond. In a society where change is so rapid, this may become a welcome anchor. Research with youth and young adults attests to the lasting effect of a childhood experience of God. A study by Penner, Harder, Anderson, Desorcy and 140 Hiemstra recorded a higher interest in faith by those who had childhood experiences and parents who modelled their faith practices consistently. A study by Pickett and Michaelson recorded spirituality as an asset for self-care among adolescents. This has been reported to continue into adulthood. Pridmore has compiled accounts of adults who have found the language to reflect back on the childhood experiences that have formed their faith. I believe this research experience is an approach that recognizes the proven value of inquiry learning during which children are in a mutually respecting relationship with adults on a parallel spiritual journey. Jesus proclaimed this when he said, “anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it” (Luke 18:17). Reflection In reviewing my own spiritual journey to complete this integration portfolio, I pondered what I have learned from the three assigned projects. The first, the autobiography, was for me the most challenging. I did not feel my story would be of interest to anyone because that was what I had absorbed from others during my lifetime. When I started writing it, I had fun poring over the passion of some of my experiences and improvising clever music-related titles. Unexpectedly, I became intrigued in learning about myself as I struggled to articulate feelings and relationships that sought resolution. I was amazed at all I have accomplished in my life. The inspired metaphor of growing roses provided the focus to clarify and reduce the text. Creating and implementing a model of ministry for children and families 141 in their faith journey was a process of transcribing into church life what I did every day as a teacher. Yet to do so effectively required research into the history and perception of children in Christian settings. In reviewing the new knowledge, realizations about my own childhood, and how I was taught ‘church’ clicked. Curiosity about my own childhood learning and new trends in teaching were the roots of the third project. Current best pedagogical practices and reiterated reporting in the research process provided experiences for the children that I realized I also craved. This was what I had sought as an adult to inform my own faith and life journey and validation of God’s Spirit by taking courses. However, I seemed always to have to prove myself and come up with the right words to be believed, rather than be believed and have my expression be given credibility. I have been blessed with friends who have offered mutual vulnerability and trust (co-learning) and modeled waiting on others’ thinking (inquiry learning). Yet, it was in collating the attributes of spiritual presence and reviewing the children’s videos that I gave myself permission to acknowledge that I too had experienced similar moments from childhood. I was also experiencing them, in the moment, when transcribing and selecting photos that expressed the experiences of the children with their parents during a 5F evening. The validation of my experiences having an inspired source rather than one of mental instability or irrationality was fresh air that allowed me to greatly cut out the dead wood and crossed branches in my autobiography and see it through a trellis of steady supported spiritual growth rather than spurts of spiritual showering. 142 Blessedly, despite how others counselled I should behave or think, I have the inner curiosity and inspiration to recognize and listen to the whispers of the Spirit, even if I have not always acted upon them in the moment. Providing a space for children to have the freedom to act and respond to God’s presence without judgement allowed them to find their personal physical and social comfort space demanded less of the structured protocols that are often considered necessary when working with children. This made my role of programme leader less stressful and gave me an appreciation of the children’s responses to their inner knowledge for learning, socializing and self-regulation. The academic presentation by Zoom gave me the opportunity to prepare a script in about my spiritual journey using a shared experience with children, their parents, and colleagues utilizing my own style. Observing, acknowledging and witnessing the children’s response to a God moment demonstrated that the expression of God is often not written or verbal, but rather a feeling that comes out in body movement, quiet humming or other non-standard forms of expression. As I observed and was guided by the children, I sensed that their, ‘all things are possible’ approach is what I have been secretly living while trying to find ‘rational’ language to articulate it in a manner that others can understand. This is the spark that started my journey to a DMin. With God’s grace, paraphrasing the words of Francis of Assisi, I have accepted the gift to experience and express God in the moment in action and song and, only as a last resort, to use words. 143 APPENDICES 144 Appendix A: Foundational Principles Foundational Principles Reggio Emilia, Italy (Inspired Practices 2018) • Education is a Right • Children are Active Protagonists of Their Growth and Development Processes • The Hundred Languages • Participation • Listening • Learning as a Process of Individual and Group construction • Educational Research • Educational Documentation • Progettazione • Organization • Environment, Spaces and Relations • Professional Development • Assessment • Project Infinity’s Guiding Interpretations of the Reggio Approach 145 Appendix B: Tool for Observing Children’s Voice and Action of Spirituality Sinetar, Marsha. 2000. Spiritual Intelligence What We Can Learn from the Early Awakening Child. New York: Orbis., p. 13. (See Appendix O for permission.) Characteristics of Spiritually Intelligent Children [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Table details. ] *”subjective light” - Bucke, Richard. 1969. Cosmic Consciousness. New York: Dutton 3-10 ** Ibid *** Sinetar, Marsha. 1991. Developing a 21st Century Mind, New York: Random House. “The author of this list intents it to be an imprecise, to a greater-or lesser- degree starting point for exploration , not a rigid, cut-and-dried formula.” 146 Alderson, Priscilla. 2011. Children’s Rights in Research about Religion and Spirituality. Ebook, Ridgely loc. 50. Spirituality can be seen as: a sense of connection between self and other - humans and other species Mystery, awe, generosity, gratitude Transcendence, holiness Deepest selves, connectedness, meaning Watson, Jacqueline. 2000. Whose Model of Spirituality Should Be Used in the Spiritual Development of School Children? I.J.C.S, Carfax, Vol. 5, No. 1. P. 95. [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Table details. ] Goodliff, Gill. 2013, “Spirituality Expressed in Creative Learning: Young Children’s Imagining Place as Space for Mediating Their Spirituality.” Early Childhood Development and Care 183, 2013, no. 8 (2013): 1054-1071. [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Table details. ] Charles, F. and Proffitt. 1998 “Playing in the Presence of God: Wonder, Wisdom and Education.” I.J.C.F. 3, no. 1 (June 1998): 21-34. Lamont, Roni. 2018. “Time, Place, Story, Ritual: A Year of Godly Play.” International Association of Children’s Spirituality, Conference Quebec City, July 2018. 147 Advice from Rebecca Nye Rather than try to observe all of the moments of spiritual happenings, focus on two: MOG- Moments of Ordinary Grace MEG- Moments of Extra-ordinary Grace 148 Appendix C: L’important c’est la rose by Gilbert Becaud et Louie Amade (Metrolyrics.com 2020) Toi qui marches dans le vent Seul dans la trop grande ville Avec le cafard tranquille du passant Toi qu'elle a laisse tomber Pour courir vers d'autres lunes Pour courir d'autres fortunes L'important L'important c'est la rose L'important c'est la rose L'important c'est la rose Crois-moi Toi qui cherches quelque argent Pour te boucler la semaine Dans la ville tu promenes ton ballant Cascadeur, soleil couchant Tu passes devant les banques Si tu n'es que saltimbanque Toi, petit, que tes parents Ont laisse seul sur la terre Petit oiseau sans lumiere, sans printemps Dans ta veste de drap blanc Il fait froid comme en Boheme T’as le coeur comme en careme Et pourtant... Toi pour qui, donnant-donnant J'ai chante ces quelques lignes Comme pour te faire un signe en passant Dis a ton tour maintenant Que la vie n'a d'importance Que par une fleur qui danse Sur le temp 149 Appendix D: Author’s Consent From: maxx Subject: Re: Marsha Sinetar - Official Site - Spiritual Wholeness Through the Contemplative Way Contact: Date: June 30, 2018 at 11:22:34 EDT To: Jane Pekar You're welcome. It sounds like a worthy project. If I can help let me know. MS On Jun 30, 2018, at 7:42 AM, Jane Pekar wrote thank you. Jane On Jun 16, 2018, at 19:29, maxx wrote: Thank you for your interest in my work, "Spiritual Intelligence," and yes, of course, you may use the table of Characteristics.. ..with the proviso that (A) you include a small footnote (legible) to say : “The author of this list intends it to be an imprecise, to a greater-or-lesser-degree starting point for exploration, not a rigid, cut-and-dried formula." I’d hate to see the legalists in the crowd use any list of mine for anyone with greater or lesser edges of spiritual intelligence in order to turn such traits into some sort test. which legalists will always try to do! The footnote will appear in the next edition of SI, scheduled for about two years down the line. And, (B) I’d love to see your finished paper or work when you’re done. We’ll add you to our e-letter list, and just hit “unsubscribe” if it’s more than you care to read. Only sent out once or twice a year. All encouragement and blessings in you own, wonderful work and my best to you and your colleagues. Marsha Sinetar 150 Appendix E: Attendance Attendance of Programme Participants [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Table details. ] 151 Appendix F: Home Guide Ministry Development Project with Children. Documentation HOME GUIDE Witnessing to the Presence of God in the Voice and Action of Children Dear parent Before you sit down with your child to review the Documentation, here few things you might consider: o Start by saying aloud a simple prayer inviting God’s spirit to be with you. o Have the BIG QUESTIONS about God visible. o Something for you to scribe on o Something for your child to draw on o Maybe a cuddle toy for your child to share with as well. As you read through this Documentation with your child, please note any comments or creativity your child makes and submit them to me before next Thursday if possible. . Your child will be invited to follow along as we share the Documentation with the other children at the next Friday Family, Food, Fun and Faith event. Without prompting your child, you might observe any of the following. Comments and actions may include or look like: o a remembering of the event with a pause for reflection o a request to stay with some part of the narrative page o acting out the narrative with toys at home o revisiting the craft idea in some way, making a picture o a correction to the text. o additional comments or questions that spin off of the Documentation. These are of particular interest as they guide the story for the next gathering. Parent option When you and your child have finished reviewing the Documentation, you may wish to write down your own thoughts about the event and or your time reflecting with your child. I will not be asking for this information, but you may wish to reflect on it with other parents or Fr. David. 152 Appendix G: Final Reflection Guide Final Documentation Reflection at home Dear Participants, You attended the fourth Documentation Focus group last Friday. I invite you to take a few moments together and reflect in words, drawings or actions about (video welcome) What it has been like having people observe you while you have been thinking about God? What has it been like to see your ideas and thoughts in print? Children I invite you, with your parent’s help, to consider again The BIG Questions Have you ever experienced a ‘God Moment’? How do you know? How do you let other people know? What was that like? **Please keep a copy for yourselves and forward a copy to Jane. 153 Appendix H: Phases and Timetable [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Table details. ] 154 [Table continued ] [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Table details. ] 155 Appendix I: Announcement Poster Announcement, Announcement, Announcement! Friday Family Food Fun and Faith You and your children are invited to join in Where: St. Joseph of Nazareth Church When: last Friday of the month, starting September 28 Time: light supper is served at 6:00 Why: to meet and share other families at St. Joseph’s What: Fun with Bible stories and to see when God shows up How: songs, crafts, activities Children, learn with your parent about God! Parent, learn with your child about faith! Come and hear about a *NEW* opportunity to share the wonder with each other and with the congregation. A ministry development project focused on hearing and helping our children express their experiences of the spirit of God will guide our *“Witnessing to the Presence of God in the Voice and Action of Children: Documenting and Sharing ‘God Moments’ at St. Joseph of Nazareth Church” An information and consent meeting will be held after church on September 9 or 23. Speak to Jane or call her at 647-242-6352 * Project in partial fulfillment of DMin in Spiritual Formation through Tyndale University. Announcement Introduction email A new school year has started. That means new adventures on the last Friday of every month at St. Joseph's at Friday Family Food Fun and Faith. See the poster attached for more details about a Ministry Development Project with the children. Information and consent sessions will be held Sept 9 and 23 after church. 156 Appendix J: Permission to use St. Joseph of Nazareth St. Joseph of Nazareth Anglican Church 290 Balmoral Drive, Brampton, ON L6T 1V6 Phone: (905) 793-8020 FAX: (905) 793-8626 Email: stjosephofnazareth@gmail.com www.stjosephofnazareth.church August 28, 2018 Re: Permission to conduct research at St. Joseph’s Anglican Church, Bramalea. Project title: Witnessing to the Presence of God in the Voice and Action of Children: Documenting and Sharing ‘God moments’ of Children at St. Joseph of Nazareth Anglican Church. To the Research Ethics Board of Tyndale University College and Seminary; Having reviewed the methods, ethics and support documentation for the above titled Research project, I, Reverend David Bryant, the Incumbent of St. Joseph of Nazareth Anglican Church, Bramalea, give consent, with awareness to the wardens of the church, for Jane Pekar to fulfill her plan to conduct research during the Friday Family, Food, Fun and Faith events held at our church between September 28, 2018 and March 30, 2019. She, and those who are assisting her, have completed a police check necessary for those working with Vulnerable People, and before the program begins, they will participate in the Anglican Diocese of Toronto Screening Program. I understand that if I or a participant in the project have any questions about the research and its unfolding, I may contact the supervising professor, Mark Chapman of Tyndale University Seminary and College at (416) 226-6620 Ext. 2208, or the Research Ethics Board at Tyndale reb@tyndale.ca. Sincerely, The Reverend David Bryant Incumbent, St. Joseph of Nazareth Anglican Church, Bramalea 157 Appendix K: Orientation Script Ministry Development Project during Friday Family, Food, Fun and Faith. September 28, 201 8 to February 22, 201 9 at St. Joseph’s Witness to the Presence of God in the Voice and Action of Children, Documenting and Sharing ‘GOD Moments’ of Children at St. Joseph’s. I, _________________________________ Accept the invitation for my child and I to participate in the above named research to enrich the spiritual life of my child and become aware of God’s present between and around us. o Child-friendly light supper, activities, singing, crafts, Bible time and Communion will be prepared for us. I’ll have the chance to meet and greet and have fun with other families from St. Joseph’s. o I am asked to participate and help my child as much my child and I am comfortable. If we just want to watch, that is okay. This is bonding and learning time for both of us. If at any time my child or I do not wish to continue in the project, we are welcome to continue participating in the programme. If we choose to resume, we will let Jane know. o Jane has invited friends trained as observers to take notes, video-clips and ask questions during the Bible and reflection time. (A.B, C.D., E.F.) Information will be collected and kept secure by Jane until the end of the project. o Jane and colleagues (G.H., I.J.) will create a Documentation that I will receive at the email address below. (no emails groups to respect privacy) When we receive the documentation my child and I will talk about it together. I am to send any comments or pictures or activities my child wants to follow-up to Jane before the next FFFF. The Documentation will also be shared with the congregation as a slide show then mounted on the wall for two weeks. From this, someone may want to ask my child or myself about the experience. Because we all know each other our participation in the Documentation will not be anonymous and the print copies will stay at the church. However in all reports outside of the church, our identity will be anonymous. o If I have any questions about this I may talk to Jane, Fr. David. o If I have concerns, Fr. David will give me the name of someone to talk to at Tyndale University who Jane is working with. (Mark Chapman- Director of D. Min., reb@tyndale.ca) o Should information be disclosed during the gatherings, that concern the welfare of my child or myself, I understand that Fr. David Bryant will, as the law requires, report the concern to the appropriate safety agency. o When the ministry development project is completed for report, my child and I will be able to come and hear what was learned. The Documentation will become the property 158 of the congregation of St, Joseph of Nazareth Anglican Church, Brampton. (other data will be destroyed or given to the child’s family) I have become informed about the Ministry Development Project by attending the orientation session or speaking with Jane. (answer questions, TCPS2 - Tyndale Research Ethic Board) In signing this letter of consent and completing the personal information surveys, I give consent for my child and myself to participate voluntarily in the ministry development (research) component of the monthly Family Food Fun and Faith gathering. Parent’s name ____________________ Parent’s signature _______________________ Child’s name __________________________ email address for Documentation _____________________ Date _______________________________ 159 Appendix L: Parent Permission Ministry Development Project during Friday Family, Food, Fun and Faith. September 28, 2018 to February 22, 201 9 at St. Joseph’s Witness to the Presence of God in the Voice and Action of Children, Documenting and Sharing ‘GOD Moments’ of Children at St. Joseph’s. I, _____________________________________ Accept the invitation for my child and I to participate in the above-named research to enrich the spiritual life of my child and become aware of God’s presence between and around us. o Child friendly light supper, activities, singing, crafts, Bible time and Communion will be prepared for us. I’ll have the chance to meet and greet and have fun with other families from St. Joseph’s. o I am asked to participate and help my child as much my child and I am comfortable. If we just want to watch, that is okay. This is bonding and learning time for both of us. If at any time my child or I do not wish to continue in the project, we are welcome to continue participating in the programme. If we choose to resume, we will let Jane know. o Jane has invited friends trained as observers to take notes, video-clips and ask questions during the Bible and reflection time. This information will be collected and kept secure by Jane until the end of the project. o Jane and colleagues will create a Documentation that I will receive at the email address below. When we receive the documentation my child and I will talk about it together. I am to send any comments or pictures or activities my child wants to follow up with to Jane before the next 5F. The Documentation will also be shared with the congregation as a slide show then mounted on the wall for two weeks. Because we all know each other our participation in the Documentation will not be anonymous and the print copies will stay at the church. However, in all reports outside of the church, our identity will be anonymous. o If I have any questions about this I may talk to Jane, Fr. David. o If I have concerns, Fr. David will give me the name of someone to talk to at Tyndale University who Jane is working with. o Should information be disclosed during the gatherings that concerns the welfare of my child or myself, I understand that Fr. David Bryant will, as the law requires, report the concern to the appropriate safety agency. o When the ministry development project is completed for report, my child and I will be able to come and hear what was learned. The Documentation will become the property of the congregation of St, Joseph of Nazareth Anglican Church, Brampton. I have become informed about the Ministry Development Project by attending the 160 orientation session or speaking with Jane. I understand that this project, in partial fulfillment of a D. Min. programme, has been reviewed and approved by the Research Ethics Board of Tyndale University. In signing this letter of CONSENT and completing the personal information surveys, I give consent for my child and myself to participate in the research component of the monthly Family Food Fun and Faith gathering. Parent’s name ___________________________ Parent’s signature _____________________ Child’s name ________________________________ email address for Documentation __________________________ Date _____________________________________ 161 Appendix M: Child Assent Ministry Development Project during Friday Family, Food, Fun and Faith September 28, 201 8 to February 22, 201 9 at St. Joseph’s Witness to the Presence of God in the Voice and Action of Children, Documenting and Sharing ‘GOD Moments’ of Children at St. Joseph’s. (Parent, please help your child read each point and sign the document.) I ___________________________________________ agree to participate in the project Jane is doing that asks about WHEN AND HOW I SENSE GOD o I understand that respect, safety and fairness are the same rules for everyone. o I understand that at Family Food Fun and Faith I get to eat, listen and watch a Bible story, do some art and share in communion, all with my family and friends at church. o I understand there will be three people who will watch, ask questions and take video/audio clips during the Bible and craft time. I will meet them in September. I agree to answer their questions when I am ready. I understand that if something doesn’t make sense I should ask for help. o If I don’t want to join in, I don’t have to. If I change my mind, I will let Jane know. o I understand that if something bothers me, I can talk to Fr. David. He’ll make sure I’m safe. o I understand that Jane will send my parent some pictures and stories about what we did at 5F called a Documentation. My parent and I will get to talk about it. My parent will then tell Jane what I said, asked questions about or wanted to do because of the Documentation. o I understand that the other families and people in the church will see pictures of me and read what I said and how I did things. The may ask me about it after church on Sunday. I understand when it’s finished that the Documentation books will stay at St. Joseph’s church. By signing this letter and completing the information survey, I agree to participate in the research project. Child’s name __________________________ Child’s signature ________________________________ Date _________________________________ 162 Appendix N: Survey Information Family Food Fun and Faith- Participant Information. Part A (Where possible, please have your child complete their form with your help.) Participant name _____________________________________________ Birthdate: y) ______ m) ______ d) ______ Parent’s name _________________________________ Address ___________________________________ City __________________________________________ Emergency contact name ____________________________________ Relationship _____________________________________ phone __________________________ Siblings [name (age)] ___________________________________________ Languages spoken English ___________________ French _________________ Other ______________________ School or daycare experience _______________________________ Any health needs to be aware of, e.g. wears glasses, allergies, __________________________ Any other concerns the food or programme preparers need to know _______________________________________________ Part B Circle the answer or mark an ‘x’ next to the answer. Have you been baptized? yes _____________ no _________________ How old were you? Baby ____ toddler ______ school age ______ 163 What denomination were you baptized in? ___________________________ Have you attended any of the following? If so, how often? Sunday School: regularly _____ sometimes _____ never _____ Church Worship: regularly _____ sometimes _____ never _____ Vacation Bible school: once or twice _____ never _____ Good Friday Family Service: a few times _____ never _____ Do you receive communion? Bread _____ wine/grapes _____ Who is the adult who takes you to church? _________________ Do you attend a church other than St. Joseph’s? yes _____ no _____ If so, please provide the name. ____________________ Do you have any questions you want to explore about God? _____________________ 164 Appendix O: Big Questions Poster BIG questions (post this on your fridge) Have you ever experienced a ‘God moment?” How do you know? How do you let other people know? What was that? 165 Appendix P: Observer’s Consent Ministry Development Project and Friday Family, Food, Fun and Faith September 28, 2018 to February 22, 2019 at St. Joseph’s Witness to the Presence of God in the Voice and Action of Children, Documenting and Sharing ‘GOD Moments’ of Children at St. Joseph’s. I, _______________________________ Accept the invitation to participate in the above-named research. o Child-friendly light supper, activities, singing, crafts, Bible time and Communion will be prepared for us. I’ll have the chance to meet and greet and have fun with other families from St. Joseph’s. o As a volunteer helper, I am asked to help with serving food, cleaning up or preparing crafts and helping the children with extra hands as needed. o As an observer, I am asked to take notes, video-clips or ask questions during the Bible and reflection time. This information will be collected and kept secure by Jane until the end of the project. o Jane and colleagues will create a Documentation that will be sent to the children’s parents and shown to the congregation. It will also be discussed at the next gathering where I am to take appropriate notes. Because we will all know each other our participation in the Documentation will not be anonymous and the print copies will stay at the church. However, in all reports outside of the church, our identity will be anonymous. o If I have any questions about this I may talk to Jane, Fr. David. o If I am not satisfied, Fr. David will give me the name of someone to talk to at Tyndale University who Jane is working with. o Should information be disclosed during the gatherings that concern the welfare of a child, I understand that Fr. David Bryant will support me to report the concern to the appropriate safety agency. o When the ministry development project and analysis is completed for report, I will be invited to come and hear what was learned. The Documentation will become the property of the congregation of St. Joseph of Nazareth Anglican Church, Brampton. I have become informed about the Ministry Development Project by attending an orientation session and seminar on working with Vulnerable People. In signing this letter of CONSENT and completing the personal information surveys, I consent to participate in the research component of the monthly Family Food Fun and Faith gathering. 166 Name ______________________ Signature ________________________ Role ____________________________ email address for Documentation ______________________________ Date __________________________________ I understand that I will be receiving privileged information that I am to hold in confidence both in making observations of the participants and when transcribing the videos or notes. I understand that the privacy required in sorting and managing data means I am not to share the information with anyone outside of the research observers. I agree to manage the material in a manner that is respectful to the safety of the participants. Name ___________________________ ___________________date 167 Appendix Q: Monthly Narratives and Songs Curriculum Stories used in this study, taken from Young Children and Worship (1989) and Following Jesus (2000) [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Table details. ] 168 Appendix R: Multi-dimensionality of Attributes [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Table details. ] 169 Appendix S: Frequency of Observation of the 30 Attributes Horizontal Axis- Attributes from left to right 1. Possibility 2. Creative 3. Gratitude 4. connect to self and others 5. acute self-awareness 6. intuition 7. built-in authority 8. solitary 9. moral elevation 10. close to God 11. cosmos is alive 12. mystery/awe 13. experience delight 14. peace 15. knowledge given 16. loss of time 17. holy ideal 18. meaning 19. reflect then something clicks 20. single-minded 21. subjective 22. deep sense of self 23. pragmatic 24. healthy choice 25. broad world view 26. weird notion 27. altruistic/generous 28. change of understanding 29. strong opinion 30. developed humour Vertical Axis- overall frequency of observation of attributes 170 Frequency of Observation of the 30 Attributes of Spirituality [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Table details. ] 171 [ Please contact repository@tyndale.ca for Table details. ] 172 REFERENCES Alderson, Priscilla. 2011. “Children’s Rights in Research About Religion and Spirituality.” The Study of Children in Religions: A Methods Handbook. Ebook chap. 3. New York: New York University Press. 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